So… it’s been a minute!

Ummmm… Well! Hello Blog land! Oh, I have been admiring you from afar. Waiting for the moment that I can stop and write. Truth is, I read a whole bunch of blogs and busy my mornings with exploring the podcast world. I think I am missing out on sharing my heart, hope & adventures! I should SO be starting my own podcast. I mean, seriously, I can talk and talk about anything & everything. I have a lot to share & I must look further into this! I hope this post finds you smiling. A beautiful, dreamy summer on Long Island. I never want them to end. But, secretly our Autumn/Fall is just as spectacular. A cool breeze & cooler temps snuck up and I heard and saw 100 school buses around town yesterday. The routine, the grind, has returned. I love glancing at the first day of school pics and smiling parents. Memories, they always float back. Just the other day, I passed my sons elementary school and remembered the funniest, sweetest memory. His class was presenting their laminated fathers day project to their class and the parents. Michael was in first grade, maybe 5 years old. His project was a large 11×14 poster that read “Me & My Dad LOVE to shoot off fireworks”. I remember, being stunned. What will the other parents think??? He drew a tiny little picture of him and his Dad lighting off a firework! I still giggle when I think of his honesty and totally, innocently bragging about his irresponsible Dad’s hobby. Priceless.

And now.. some much needed overdue Catch Up!:

Beautiful moments: So…. A couple of weeks ago, another bucket list & my lifelong dream happened. My daughter flew home from Madrid and we hosted a beautiful, elegant wedding and reception for our families. A picture perfect wedding day, brilliant sunshine & breezes and 100 of our family & friends gathered to celebrate her love. The food & drinks & laughter….simply amazing. I glided through the day, with Joy in my heart and watching her sparkle. I had a few private, special moments and stared at her flawless beauty. Watching my baby girl grow, blossom, fall in love….& relocate & live her new life married! to say the least… is very humbling. She was so calm and graceful. My little girl and a grown woman in one. She is living proof that life indeed moves forward. She propels us forward and shows us the light, here, now in the present. Life… indeed, it marches on fiercely. Our only daughter. I dreamed of giving you a fairytale wedding. I prayed you would meet a kind, gentle, loving soul & mate. I wrote a speech for her. I wrote from my heart. A heart that now holds a grateful space. A heart that was once shattered and bleeding…broke into a million pieces…that is mending, gently healing and compelled to still love & give. My journey through grief and rebuilding my new life. In my letter, I shared my dreams with her. I spoke about her brother smiling down and so happy for her. I dreamed of him several times that week. I missed him immensely as well. I had a few moments, missing my granddaughter, missing my son, my parents. I’ve learned how to honor them and connect to them in my spiritual, meditative practices. I do it often and I find my peace within. It’s a practice and there is no end game, just survival.

The day after her wedding, my daughter was feeling a rush of emotions. All that planning, effort, worry, details! Details! Stress & Anxiety…lalala! And of course Poof, & it’s all over so fast. It all went off splendidly. She sits on my chaise and shares her heart and then she says… I missed Mikey.. and I said quietly, I missed him too. We all have our sorrow and crosses to bear. It’s nice to hear that someone is thinking of him and loving him still….Grief is hard. It’s imperative that you talk about it, cry about it and honor them daily.

She has returned to Spain. I am teary for a few days…empty nest and all. I have returned to my gardens and Yoga and following butterflies and photographing the sheer beauty of Long Island. I love to volunteer and craft these days…I write a lot. My first book is almost finished. The next chapter of my life begins to unfold. I am excited and apprehensive at the same time. So unpredictable.. yet, it is nice to embrace “more”.

I am happy to have celebrated this beautiful couple. May they continue to explore the world, and love each other no matter what. The last thing I told them was to practice PATIENCE….it goes along way.

Nice to check in and catch up with ya’ll. I am off to tend to my gardens and flowers.

Ciao

Leelee

Return to sender….

Where do I begin? Easy and gently. That is where I’ve lived for the past 6 months. Inside my head, at least. I focus on being soft, loving, self compassionate, centering, meditative state of mind. Working through grief takes time. As much time that you need to process and accept. So, my unplanned sabbatical from blogging just happened. My journey, my shift, my new life needed time to root and I needed to sit in my new place for awhile and figure it out. Rolling with the punches as they say. Btw, it’s totally OK to get off the roller coaster for awhile. It’s ok to check out and heal the heart and find what is good for your soul. It’s ok to take time away from everything and everyone and figure it out. I’m so glad I did. I passionately threw myself into volunteer work, support groups, grief and wellness therapy, salt caves & meditations. Church and finding peace and gratitude. All good stuff. All deeply needed to heal a grieving heart and to learn how to again light up my soul. During this “shift”, a few things happened. I lost my job a few months back in sales. It stung for a short time and I let it go. It was my most successful year in sales history for me. (shakes pompom), and I was riding that high from chasing money. We learn that money is just what it is; a means to survive and prosper. I remember that I skipped to my car, shocked and elated at the same time. I dreamed of the next year jobless! How dare I? How could I? It’s a fortune to live on this island! Who do I think I am??? But, I immediately noticed a peaceful, grateful heart lay beneath the almighty dollar. I felt, that maybe I could do things that I pushed aside. Reading, Netflix!, painting furniture!, Oh, AND organzing (Thanks be to Marie Kondo) you helped me burn off major anxiety for weeks! Oh gosh, my love for organization! New Books, podcasts!, documentaries.. the list is endless. THe most important one on the list is…. time… time for me. Me,! Leelee! seriously, what is that? Free to Travel, dream, cry, lay out, walk the shore, hike the woods! Most importantly, me and my writing. I had a list of 1000 things I dreamed of doing! #1 was, Writing my book. Telling my story. I stared at the blank page. I gave myself permission to write. To stand up and share my journey through grief. To be raw and honest about surviving a death by suicide and losing my child to Opiod addiction. I was told by everyone I met, write your book. Tell your very real, powerful, healing & very honest story of substance abuse and suicide. You can help others. I had volumes written in my head. I have dozens of journals that held my deepest grief and secrets. My journaling was my safe place to pour out my pain. It always has been my saving grace. So, I am gifting myself this time to write it. I am 500 pages or so in.. it’s coming, its happening. The most incredible gift is by me writing, my words, my truth, my journey and my spiritual growth.. sharing me with you.. I began to witness that my soul is healing with each page I pen. So painful at first… then the healing begins and transforms you and I slowly find my peace and my center again. I keep reminding myself this one thing. If your book helps 1 survivor, you win. You make a difference. You live another day. So there is my legit excuse for not blogging or writing here.
Also,

A few other things happened…

So, like, my daughter fell in love & then they moved to Madrid! Yup, I know! She will Soon have a big church wedding to a lovely man in Italy. So, THATS Happening!! My bucket list & dream of visiting Italy has arrived! I credit my beautiful daughter for having the courage to fall in love. for taking a chance, for moving across the world and creating a loving, safe relationship and life with a kind sweet loving man. They will marry in his hometown, near Rome and we will join them there and celebrate them & their love with
JOY in our hearts. Love does heal. Our baby girl always, She is hope in a twinkly jar. She is my childhood dream, having a daughter to love & cherish. Her happiness and new life reminds me everyday that Love evolves and moves us forward. I genuinely look forward to celebrating her love & wedding.

reflections of you ~

Time moves us forward
life continues to march on
I sit and think of you above us
asking you to watch over her.

Our Love is present
even though you are not
Silent tears run softly
my heart whispers I miss you A lot
My soul knows you hear me

<3

life, the one that guarantees change

I sit in silence, just the hum of the fridge and a passing good morning greeting and rub from our kitty Lila. Today, I will be brave. Today, I will send all of my eternal love and joy to my daughter. She and her new husband will start their new adventure and life and move to Madrid. Yes, Spain…. It all seemed to happen so quickly. They met 2 years ago and fell head over heels for one another. My heart soared as I watched her romance and love deepen for him. I know what a kind, patient and loving man he is. They quietly married last month and her husband took a position in Madrid for 2 years. In a blink…life changes. In fact, this solidifies the merry go round of life. It forever evolves and changes. He has travelled in his career all over the globe. He is used to acclimating to different cultures and countries. My daughter will experience a new culture and continent. I trust that they will take care of each other and live their lives to the fullest. I know this experience will make her grow and mature and enrich her life. She, is my baby. She is my only daughter. I have never been separated from her for more than a few months during her college years. She attended a university less than 2 hours from our home. This is quite different. The miles are wider, but, my love remains and deepens.
After all, our family has suffered enough tragedy and loss. She lost a brother. She once told me… Mom, the one thing we have learned is to adapt. How true that is. She makes me proud everyday. A shy little girl, wise beyond her years. I watched her blossom and grow and mature. I watched her set goals and Ace them. I watched her grow into a vibrant woman. She had abit of bossiness as a toddler. She held her ground and spoke her mind. She has not lost that trait at All! But, her heart and her soul, remains pure and true. She is a feminist, a millennial. She has taught me a lot about equality. She will protect and fight fiercely for what she believes in. She at times, is my best friend. She knows, I dreamed about her when I was just a young girl. I had a Mother who adored me and loved me unconditionally. I try to be that Mom to her. I encourage and support her dreams. I believe and trust in her.
I’ve learned a few things over the years. Patience is a virtue. It develops over time. Change will happen. Even when you least expect it. The main thought and lesson in all of this….It is HOW you Deal with it. How you react to it. We, are forever evolving and growing. We can stop in our tracks and adjust, repent, repeat or we can let go. None of this is easy. In fact, if you fight it, it will bite you back hard. SO go with it. Learn to take deep breaths and reflect. I’ve always had tools to help me cope with change. This blog, my writing, my meditation and my spirituality. I turn to God and I believe he will protect her and guide her in her new role and her new journey. I ask him too.
I reach out to others who have had a child leave the nest and I listen.
I told my daughter… I will cry for 30 days and 30 nights…I make no excuses. I don’t hold in my feelings. Life is way too short and unpredictable for that. I tell her everyday….I love you. Because,it matters. Because, she matters. She is my sweet strawberry blonde, fair of skin, with peachy blushed cheeks babygirl. She will always be that to me. My love, easily crosses any ocean and continent. In fact, it deepens inside as the miles separate us.
I will travel to Italy in the Spring and see her marry the man of her dreams. I will be by her side, no matter where she sleeps. I will be her biggest fan, her confidante and my most proud role in my life, Her Mama.
When she was a baby, she called me Mama. She just did it on her own. I treasure that. I treasure all the memories she has given me. She was quick on her feet. Walking at 10 months! She asked for “French Toast Please” at a year old. She was alittle old soul in a 2 foot body. I adore you Danielle. I cherish every moment of joy you have given me. You still continue to fill my soul with your precious love and light.
Always remember…You are Enough. (Maybe even alil Extra! ummm for sure!) Most of all, I support you and will always be here for you. Through thick and thin. No matter how many miles separate us now.. I am right beside you, Always <3. Remember…that Joy blooms inside your beautiful heart. Let it out, discover all you can. Go for it! Be spontaneous and filled with love….trust in yourself. Believe in your dreams. Awake each day and embrace the beautiful life you have chosen. You will have no regrets if you live it all to the fullest. I encourage you to take deep breaths and remember to not overthink…just take it like Mama does
One Day at a Time
God, I love you…my sweet DD….forever & to the moon & back

Love
Mamabear

September morn….

Well, here I am. Once again, awakening wayyyy to early, but, also relishing in the quiet stillness of pre dawn. It wasn’t the lonely dove that woke me. It wasn’t a hot flash (oh aren’t they something!) It was you…surrounding my thoughts, my heart, swirling around in my head. I toss and turn and whisper I miss you so much, like I often do when I wake up to another day. Another day, the tears flow @ the mere realization that you are not next to us. You are far away, somewhere, where it is still so difficult for me to picture you safe and sound. Oh, my Michael, I yearn for you always….When I think about my quote I wrote to you yesterday… ~tu me manques~ which translates to, I miss you in English. I discovered the French translation is “You are missing from me”. That is what a grieving mother feels deeply, every single day. I am not fully at peace because of your physical absence. I wish I could fully understand Heaven, death. But, I don’t. Maybe, I don’t truly want too. I know one thing for sure, I will forever miss you here with me. I will forever awake and think.. is this a dream? Did my beautiful son really die? Last night, we had a vigil at the ocean. August 31st,- is now labeled National Overdose Awareness Day. I woke up yesterday and thought, is this really me now? It is. It’s 21 months since my son died. The reality stabs me over and over again. The grieving mother would do anything to turn back the clock. After all, we still sadly digress, and our mind sometimes wanders back & we go over & over & over in our minds, dissecting all the insanity and trauma of addiction. It’s a vicious cycle. Your brain says, You did everything possible to help him. The grieving mother feels differently. Truly, there is no solace. He is missing from me…that is what my heart screams silently. Yet!, I aspire to believe and embrace fully that a Heaven exists! & I wholeheartedly pray it does, I will see him again. Somehow, that tiny bit of faith, keeps me going. That thought of him hearing and watching us gives me a bit of comfort. The brave souls I have met and come to lean on and love, my support group, my beading sisters, that give the best hugs, and make me laugh and teach me how to celebrate life again and find my JOY again & above all, connect and honor our child, heals me daily. I am surrounding myself with other Mommies, who get it, without explaining anything. Last night, at our ceremony on the ocean, we floated messages into the ocean, we proudly held our child’s photo and cried and hugged a whole bunch. Music played all night, Linda delivered her heart and her purpose and message of hope and strength and LOVE. The whole night, All I felt was you. I brought the hydrangea flowers he bought for me on Mother’s day, and butterflies and a Rose from my Mom’s garden with us. Yes, of oourse, we all had tears of sorrow for the life lost. I also embraced for a moment that I felt a touch of gratitude that God blessed us with you. They all commented about how handsome you are. I reply, when he walked into a room, he lit up the entire room. I miss that, your charisma, your essence, your silliness and handsomeness… I miss it all. This morning, I said to myself. You seem to avoid spending long amounts of time, alone in your grief. Nowadays, you volunteer, you work, run around, and keep super busy and productive. I don’t often allow myself to write anymore, to sit in my grief or sadness. I figure, if I keep moving, keep active and busy, I don’t think as much. It won’t hurt as much. The truth is…time helps soften the sharpness of a sudden traumatic death. Time, gives us space to heal the heart. Our brain insulates us, and somehow we learn again how to live. I didn’t think I would feel “anything” when you died. Now, I feel everything. A mother’s loss is a very lonely, dark, desperate place. Many people tell me “I can’t even imagine”. I want to say, yeah, I once felt that way too. They don’t mean harm, they are just afraid to reach out or support me. That is what I need, support, love, a hug, a card. Say his name, remind me of a funny memory, instead, society has stupid rules and patented inappropriate & silly phrases that don’t really help. Many many family and friends have faded from my life now. Hiding from my loss, or rather their deep fear of loss.

So, I learned, many years ago, to Plant my own seeds and water my own Garden. I am a Survivor. I had to learn and often force myself to take the steps to help me get through a traumatic loss. My Faith in God, a few good safe support groups, a qualified good therapist. Surround yourself with people that allow your feelings to surface. They just listen, that is all you really need. Just that LOVE….& COMPASSION…that I found, is how you make it. The other option? I think, and have witnessed sadly..some choose to drink or drug yourself to death and avoid all feelings and emotion. I have witnessed addiction and lived watching many people succumb and die because of it. Perhaps that is why it is so very difficult for me to fully accept that he could not overcome his addiction. No matter what I, or “we” did to help him. It was his addiction, and I wanted to will it out of him! Slay it for him. I simply could not. Sigh…I carry that around a lot. A mother’s cross to bear. Today, I acknowledge that I need to share these feelings, not bottle them up or suppress them down. Funny, when he was sick and suffering, I penned and journalled my thoughts daily. I filled volumes of journals with my pain and his pain and our suffering and fears. My greatest fear was that he would die from an overdose. He did. I hate that I carried that for so long. I admit, I spoke to him many times and begged him, desperate for him to recover. I read him every article about the epidemic of Heroin, then the lethal, deadly doses of Fentaynol . My son and I, We talked a lot, I cried to him. I wrote him volumes of letters.. anything to penetrate his sick brain. My sweet, beautiful boy, He assured me, reassured me & promised me that he knew how not to die. Sick isn’t it? I lived in constant fear and anxiety. Here’s the thing; I think about him. He just turned 31 years old, the month before he overdosed. So young.. my heart breaks, shatters at how young he left us all. Yet…I seldom acknowledge this very important reality…My brave, sick son… He tried 1000 times to regain his life back. I watched him struggle and fail and relapse. His shame, guilt, left him empty and desperate. BUT! I never say it enough. My son, tried over and over again, for 2 years to find peace and recovery. I guess he didn’t get lucky. Even with his stunning, sparkly Irish blue eyes. Ya know, Statistically, sadly, only a few percent recover. He told me, I want my old life back…I understood his wish and supported him the best I could. When he relapsed and died on Christmas Eve, he left so much here. His pain was so great, he succumbed and I was gutted. People often comment to me that “you’ve been through so much!”. Yeah, my world was shattered. Don’t be sorry, just know I hurt every day. I still smile and feel love & joy. I’m still me, just an altered version of who I once was….

So now…almost 2 years later…and every single week since then, we get another call that someone else has died from overdose. We grieve right along side them. Addiction is flattening. It is destroying many innocent children, adults, unborn babies…this epidemic is so big, so out of control, I am frankly overwhelmed how it will ever stop or end? I lost my son, I carry that loss and trauma every day. Now, I stand with other parents who lost their child. Together, we realized we can still live. We can carry a message or hug a family who recently lost their child. That is our purpose, & now I make beads for families. We honor their child & give them the beads and whisper. We are here if and when you are ready, we are here to Love you and support you. I tell them, we too, have sadly suffered the very same loss. It helps, I am witness to that. They brought me beads and they saved my life and my heart….The only way to get by, & to survive is finding your tribe! Reach out and make the call. Show up, Cry, and share your heart and Love. Then watch the miracles unfold.

I’m no expert here, I have a story to tell. It’s about losing someone you love and learning to cope. The road is long, the climb is steep and exhausting. I don’t sugar coat that. It for sure changes you, pain often does. This journey of grief (sucks) but I was already brave and nutured and loved. I believe those things have carried me on my most darkest days. I quote something I read the other day…We don’t get over a loss, certainly not the loss of your child…it just needs to be carried ~….God, how heartwrenchingly true that is! It’s freeing, saying, No, I won’t get over this! I’m not supposed too!, our loved ones and friends really can’t relate to that, but that’s ok! me reciting to myself, ~we just need to learn how to carry it~. I like that, because I am constantly learning. There is no pressure or time stamp or stage of grief or graduation! Here is what I know now…My son, Michael, He remains deeply embedded, and the love grows and continues to grow, I call that a gift from your child. Eternal love <3. He is my anchor, we are forever connected.

Oh, most importantly… I only do this shit like…
One day at a time~ that's all I can do.

Peace & Love to you ~

leelee