Rainy days, storms, all will pass

I awoke with a song in my head, a beautiful melody, a calming sound. This occasionally happens to me. Not often, but often enough to write about it.  It was one of my personal mentors, favorite artist. Ever. Sara  McLachlan.  Angel.  I hear her softly sing to me:


By Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay

There’s always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard, at the end of the day

I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins

And maybe empty
Oh, and weightless, and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight…

In the arms, of the angels……

I thanked my brother, I felt his energy around me & perhaps it was a strong sign, for me, some sort of an affirmation, a glimpse of clarity, understanding of his state of mind. Perhaps, heaven was weeping with all of us, mourning the mass murder of 10 people at a college in Oregon. I am not sure, the path our world, our beautiful “United States”, our complex society, social media driven generation, the amount of human suffering, war, hate, crimes of hate, that lead to these mass murders. In my heart, it is a devastating reality. Our loss of humanity, from basic rules, loss of faith, God, trust, brotherhood and fellowship, family. I remember, Bill Clinton spoke at a rally once. He stated,  the All American family, no longer exists. How true, Mr. Clinton, that statement was your only truth.  All of us, we all feel it slipping away. Stunned, disheartened, discouraged. Lost and powerless.  We do not feel united. In our nation’s grief, our mourning for the victims, we feel united, yet we do not have the power to change it, to stop the killer, murderer, to heal the mentally sick. We feel powerless and frail. Fear. We are all starting to thrive in a fearful society. Tuned out, disconnected, disassociated and honestly,  we all are part of it. We dwell amongst it all, Sadly, not all of us will escape, unscathed, spared of the horror of twisted, psychotic young men who have begun to do mass random murders for their psychotic “cause”. Many families are making funeral arrangements today for their child. They rage over “nothing”, they are not famous, or particularly special or important. They are just sick, mentally sick.  It could be a simple stupid political stance, racism, radical religious beliefs,  sexism, all are a form of hate. Hate crimes and certainly self hatred. It is anger, psychotic rage, entitlement, defiance. This psychotic behavior, has become the “normal” in the USA, how very tragic, scarred, and fearful we have now become. These repeated murders, is truly the nightmare every parent thinks about. Our children go away for the first time. We pray every day they are safe, and not harmed, hurt. Who could even process their child senselessly fall victim to a deranged murderer.  It is the subtle snap of one sick mentally ill person. There is a mission, in the murderer’s mind. He has a plan, a goal of killing other human beings. Ironically, 9 times out of 10, they kill themselves, self murder as the finality. It’s overwhelmingly sad and clinically, totally, insane. The most frightening truth?  It is happening steadily. My heart is heavy, burdened with trying once again, to make sense out of a no sense.  A violent, sudden act. I, have struggled personally with this for 9 months myself. Suicide is a jumbled, violent, impulsive, traumatic death, the most confusing death by far. It has taken it’s toll on me and my family, we are slowly healing, daily grieving, it is very painful and deep. So, for the last 10 years, these young men committing a senseless, spontaneous, attack, violent, shredding our guts, creating trauma and death in moments. I sit and grieve the new murderer’s of the USA. These young, sick men, are gunning down classrooms of students and teachers, in theatres and in places of worship. The world is crumbling, slowly becoming subhuman and numb. We watch and it all unravel on social media, local news, CNN, Obama stepped out and spoke. Continually it tragically has become a frequent occurrence? Society watches from our cozy living rooms. I go to my office and the detached, numb, co workers who sit around me, are texting. (surprising, no, not at all). They do not talk about it.  They all have children too? We do not pray together, or speak of the victims, the horrific loss our nation is suffering. Societal detachment, numbness.  I once predicted the world would fade into a tiny 4″ screen, allowing our kids to check out, tune out. Isolate and ignore.  The media hounds in and scurries for the “story”, the MO of the shooter.  They piece together a story about, this sick, young, impulsive psychotic kid.  Society today. The next generation of radicals, bi polars ,over medicated, under medicated, hidden, isolated. They can be diagnosed as  schizophrenic, gun obsessed 20 year olds. 6 school college/movie/church mass murderings.  Just off the top of my head. I remember the first mass murder,  Columbine.  My daughter did her  college essay about it. Brilliantly written from a mere young woman. I believe she was deeply affected while she researched her thesis. I saved her college essay. I never dreamed it would be the first of many mass killings. So, I pray to God, light a candle and ask when and HOW will this all stop? Who, besides God can change the mind of sick, lost soul? Who can begin to save, and renew our nation?  And now, 10 dead, and the swat team, killed the shooter/murdered, this time.  He won’t be honored. He won’t be eulogized, he will leave behind his scars, his rage, hate, sins with the family who loved him and raised him. They will mourn the child they once knew. Not the beast, sick, deranged murderer he became.  As I write this, I re read my words. I sense my underlying anger, my own private rage, my heart hurting for all who perished and all I can think to do is pray.  Perhaps, if all of us, begin to pray, our world will slowly begin to heal.  Love, ~leelee

The Center of my being

Good Morning. Beautiful Day. I awoke this morning with was surfing the net and reading the trend. It stated that yesterday,  evidentally  was,… “Daughter’s Day”. Who knew? Huh? I am not the least bit surprised, I mean, America has a dedicated day for everything imaginable. What I do know, is the blessing of having a beautiful, blooming, every changing, wise beyond her years, honest and talented daughter. A secret wish I held inside since I was a young child myself. To be blessed with a daughter, and find my prince charming.  I had an extraordinary mother, friend, confidant and mentor. I was extremely close to my mother. We were quite alike in many ways, and, quite different in others. I believe now, my baby is 25, that I too have an extraordinary relationship with my own baby girl. One I cherish, One, I am thankful for everyday. One that continues to grow and amaze me with each passing year. One, loving, caring young woman who has been my champion, my sounding board, held me and cried with me through my grief and loss. Cheerleaded me through my victories and promotions. She loves me, takes care of me, how blessed am I?. Very.  My little dreamer, a creative little creature with many hidden talents and ever so bright. I often reflect on the shy little girl who clung to my thigh and hid her pale sparkly blue eyes.  Today, she stands an inch or two taller than I, she has a hearty, high pitched laugh that is full of love and joy.  A mane of auburn thick long hair, and tiny little freckles here and there… Yes, my friends, it goes that fast. In a blink, she is a woman, on her own, staking a claim, making a difference, melting my heart and winning in the game of love & life. She explores every aspect of living. She has motivation, faith in her heart, she is good inside.  I admire her. I am proud of how she sets goals, enjoys the finer things in life, yet appreciates nature and simplicity. She is a mini Martha Stewart and we enjoy sharing recipes, crafts, festivals, shopping and pampering ourselves together. I have a bestie now, just like me and my Mama.  We talk daily, we spend time together weekly. She shares from her heart, we talk about everything and anything. We are in sync, she helps me find humor in so many quirky everyday things.  We have mommy & me time and belly laughs and heart to hearts.  I respect her. I trust her, somewhere, somehow, I must have done something right. I look at her and for a moment feel the stars align. She is a forced to be reckoned with. Strong with her opinions and vocal with her beliefs and feelings too.  My daughter, has worked so hard at loving herself. Learned the importance of taking care of herself, her health, her mind & body & spirit are aligning.  It is beautiful to watch and sit on the sidelines and cheer. Inside, I am elated.  All a mother truly wants, is to see their child be happy. Be loved, be kind and generous. A mother feels her child in her soul.  She hurts when they hurt. If only my daughter knew of my overflowing pride and joy I carry deeply inside, she would see her pale, sweet freckled face, smiling and giggling with me.

So, Happy Daughter’s Day to all the beautiful, strong, committed, brilliant young girls. One day, you certainly all will rule the world.  *peace


~ leelee

#loveutothemoon&backDDno one else

Summer fades and so do the sunflowers…

Grateful morning to you all. I seem to shelf my leeleemoments more often than I would like.  I read a boat load of blogs, followed them for years, and I look forward to playing catch up with my favorite bestest blogs I adore. You, the reader, start to know the blogger like a neighbor, an advisor, a good story teller, a mother, sister, wife, a person behind the blog. Every so often, a blogger will post something that simply connects you to them. The bond, via social media, can be powerful and even life changing. Inspiration comes in so many ways. I seek it constantly. It can be as simple as a massive weeping willow tree I stumble upon or it can be from reading someone’s moving story or a surprise miniature sunflower that I discover in my flower garden.   As the summer fades, and the light changes with each sunrise and sunset, I reflect a lot. Memories and flashbacks swirl in and out of my head.  It gets darker, much earlier, the days are slightly shortened now.   I dream and pin* crazy pumpkin things, and I decorate here and there with dark, rich floral, colors and wreaths. Autumn on Long Island is quite heavenly.  I am always amazed when I stroll through my vegetable garden. I say, it’s the gift that keeps on giving!  I continue to harvest plum tomaotes and funny looking cucumbers, and the crisp little peppers that keep coming, steadily. I harvested tons of fresh herbs and the aroma grounds me. It’s the simple things, yes indeed. I water my annual flowers, they are still blooming and thriving.  We hold onto what is left of summer, anticipating and planning what is ahead.  The holidays approach, and I am apprehensive and pensive about what they will be or bring. A couple of upcoming weddings, gives me hope and stability. Life continues, it waits for you. I am slowly, steadying my feet. Anchoring, engaging and continually loving myself, gently, accepting.  One step at a time, one day at a time, we get there, the best we can. Enjoy your day!

love, leelee


Summer’s End – on the East End


Hello! On this beautiful Saturday. I get alittle excited around the end of August.  The island changes, it’s a subtle change of colors and the sunsets, the water color skies, well, it simply takes my breath away. I feel a difference in the air, the  sun light, the cool ocean breezes, I could go on forever about it. Instead, I plan on soaking up every moment of it. My sunflower’s are in full bloom. I photograph them a lot. They bring me such simply joy. I chuckle to myself, it only takes one little tiny seed to create this magnificent flower.  It’s the little things right? The island slowly changes its hue, and the mornings are cooler, the sun is so bright and warm without a trace of humidity. I pronounce it “A menopausal dream”.  The truth is, I never want the days to end. I want to soak up every drop of nature, beach, flowers, festivals, outdoor venues of music. I think to myself? How can I ever leave here? Why would I ever want too? Truth is, I don’t. I never have. That says a lot about travelling down the east coast and realizing my truth. I live in a paradise. I truly appreciate every beach I have visited and collected seashells from. Every sunset I have photographed and watched is truly beautiful, but my home, my roots, I have it all here.

We took a trip out to  “The Hamptons”. Wait! It’s not what you think! I didn’t rent a house with 20 friends and drink myself into a boozy coma.  We headed to a beautiful and unique Sculpture/Gardens, nestled on 16 acres of pure heaven. We were not expecting too much, I just love unique specimens and flowers. This garden was created by an artist Jack Larsen. Longhouse Reserve was his vision and gift to the community.  He wanted it to be a contemplative exhibit. Jack, sir, you did it proud. It houses over 30 sculptures, donated by various artists and sculpter’s from around the globe. He created gardens and textures that all meld with each other. Rare bamboo, bronze, a lily pond, peaceful pools and the most immaculate grounds, this energy is just what the doctor ordered.  Upon entering, there is a “wish tree”. Created by Yoko Ono, you write your wish and attach it to a tree. They send all the wishes to Yoko, and she is incorporating all of them in an art piece in Japan.  I wrote my wish and knew I was on the right “path”. You can follow a guided tour by Mr. Larsen,  via your cell phone. It was peaceful, quiet and very zen to say the least. His vision, and planning of textures and lighting along with lovingly cared for specimens, breathtaking to say the least.  The little treasures of Long Island, they never cease to amaze me.

Today, I am volunteering for Walk out of Darkness. I feel compelled to connect with other survivors of a suicide loss.  The walk for our community will be at  Jones Beach on Oct. 23rd, 2015. It’s surreal, really, I will be walking in honor of my brother Thomas this year. I’m sure, this is part of my journey to healing. It is really important to me to keep his spirit alive and with me, and in some way honor him.  It is extremely sad that this has become my reality.  My love for him drives me to be present and aware.  It is equally important to bring awareness to this epidemic of suicide. Most importantly, suicide prevention.

Be thankful today my friends and readers. Be present and kind. I truly feel, by giving of ourselves, it comes back to us tenfold. Enjoy this glorious weekend and be spontaneous! Go discover something awesome in your town!


Love & Blessings

~ leelee