I’m here. Hiding in the shadows. Doing my very best. Adapting, scraping by, surviving, hell yes. So…. My world, my new world, new life, and my new grief. Epic juggling act. I’m getting better at it, maybe. And, btw, my shit got real. For real. My Full plate, uh… yeah, you might say that. I’m breathing. Can I get an Amen please?. I’m humbled. I’m exhausted. I’m surviving. Clinging to the earth, hanging on by a nail. Life is very intense these days. Actually, All of it, is intense, exhausting, and at times, too hectic, too worrisome, too painful, too busy, too resentful, too hard. Yet… I trudge on. I work through these emotions daily. The tides of my existence now are hard to ride. The emotions raw and deep. I have painful moments, almost, too much to even let pour out on these pages. But, still here I am. I show up and I still keep doing. I crawl, claw, through each moment, all of them, as I always have, for anyone or everyone. For me and my beautiful son I lost. I try and be brave for us. I told my meditation teacher the other day. I wear his sudden, devastating passing, all his sins, his pain, his shame and his tragic death, like a heavy backpack. I drag it around me, everyday and God, I protect it. I honor it, him, every single day. I crash and fall asleep hard and my mind and body rest. Sometimes, I catch glimpses of him in my dreams. Sometimes, I wake up and I cry so hard, I scare myself. Sometimes, I sit the backpack besides me. I open it gently, slowly, weeding through this intricate web of addiction and it’s destruction. The disease of addiction. I scream inside at it everyday. How cunning and slithery and so hard to understand, and the harrowing task of me consciously accepting it all with such confusion and pain. The devastating, reality & tragedy of addiction. Everyday, I swallow that pill. Acceptance, powerlessness, and for me, his Mama, my personal failure. Failure to fix. The pain of losing on every level and then losing him. That blow is deadly, and it continues to flatten me and gut me. The monster of addiction lingers. Lord, help me let go alittle today. I continue to do my healing work. My art therapy, my journaling, my reading, meditations, support groups and meetings. I escape, the monster everyday, acutely aware that I allow it to still chase me! Sadly, I must acknowlege my grief, everyday, I do all this in private. It is a very lonely place. I don’t allow the sadness to encompass me, I just acknowledge it with love. My love for Michael. My undying, eternal love for my child. That, I am afraid, will never go away. Some days, the backpack makes me want to collapse. It is so very heavy, still. I write, read, cry, garden, dig and relish in awe of my gardens. My roses intoxicate me. My Mama’s garden in full bloom, bursting love at me! My like 12 foot Sunflowers…the richest yellow and abundance God can create out of a leftover seed…magical* and it’s
all in my front and backyard. I’m healed in and with nature. My Reiki master whispered that to me months ago. It’s true. Feet in the sand or grass, it is and will heal me and it is grounding me. Back to this earth, to this world. The world where a brokenhearted, mamabear, shall dwell. Missing him, so very much. Deeper than the ocean…higher than the stars. My love is keeping me alive today. Thank you universe. Thank you Michael Anthony. You are certainly with me today. Nine sad months today. I can hardly type it. When I do, I weep. When I awoke this morning, I collapsed in a pool of tears. You are my sunshine~ I told you that and sang that to you often, as a baby. You still are the sunshine in my soul~ but, I am sad today. and I think, words can’t describe his loss. My heart clings, it is so so so hard to describe. I feel it all. I just grieve and crawl some more. I think about him a lot. I drift for hours, through the years, memories, and the moments. I am still stunned. Perhaps, I will always feel lost here. When I have the time to be alone. I try to connect to him, the best I know how. I will continue to find him in the spirit connection. That is where I want and need to heal with him. I allow it to surface and spill out of my soul. I lean into my grief. I do not want nor can I escape it. Moments of terror, and flashbacks will occur. The pain sears your heart. I am slowly, painfully, accepting, acknowledging he is gone from here. That will hurt forever.. But, No, honestly, that does not go away. The longing for a beautiful fair haired boy with kaleidoscope eyes. I will forever wane, want, miss, kiss, acknowledge, remember, regret, and constantly reflect. I pray to him, for him, for us. Truly, I am lost without my son. He is more than missed. His death, has sliced a part of me away. I do everything in my power to fill that space. I fill it with love and forgiveness. I fill my life now with support groups, their foundations, fellowships, new connections, volunteering, fundraisers. I connect to others who have suffered the very same loss from an overdose. I study the disease of addiction, so I can live here and find some peace within. If you ever lived with addiction, the nightmare it is seriously traumatic daily. I get it. I try everyday to find a drop of hope and inspiration. I search for what sustains me now. I meditate and know that itsy, bitsy, teeny, drop of faith in God is radiating inside. It is circling me, protecting me, guiding me. I force myself to see and believe in heaven. I so desperately seek that clarity again. I envision that my beloved Mother now has him, with her, next to her. I was told that from a stranger, that she does. I cling to that thought and it comforts me today. I consciously crawl to The God inside me, asking him to guide and continue driving me forward. I pray to better understand and accept that I somehow find my way back, “home”. I always figure shit out, I’m a cancer girl, practical and a realist. I eventually need to work through stuff in order to accept and heal and move forward. After all, I’m the middle child, nurturer, solver, fixer. I journal and write about him constantly. It helps me breathe and connect every fiber to him. I ask him for guidance now. I go to court tomorrow, to fight to visit his daughter. Mostly, I am lovingly patient with myself. I’m all I got, right?. I acknowledge my purpose here. I ponder this thought… I have to leave my fingerprint here. My dream and goal is to show my daughter what strength and self care mean. I want to be a loving, giving woman. I yearn and strive everyday, seeking my new role, life, purpose. I chase peace, by giving, sharing, spoiling, travelling, ad to practice self care. I truly know that beauty still exists. I know that Love is what heals us, always. I want her to always strive to be HER personal best. To take care of her beautiful heart and mind and body above all else. Then she will spread her beauty to everyone she loves. Accept and love yourself my sweet DD, you have a lot to give this world. I love you endlessly.
So, I’m surviving, doing ALL of this super gently. Vowing to just take each day as it comes. He wants us to be happy and healthy. I still feel his love inside my heart. This day, is very hard today. Tomorrow may be lighter, softer. It’s just that my mind has now adopted the date. Like a time stamp. Everything stops for a moment. I am reminded, he is gone. Yeah, it sucks. It sucks so bad, I don’t even to attempt to write the darkness. It is like a monster. The darkness of young loss, grief, regret still looms inside and around me. I knew it would. Sometimes,it reminds me of the monster, the beast of addiction. Today, I only seek the light. To free myself of the perils and horror of addiction. I long to just connect with him, his higher self. It’s beautiful when I meditate and I Reiki and connect. It’s healing. I am able to open my heart and mind to him being around me. His light. God’s grace. Divine light that brings me a moment of peace and joy. This I am told is obtainable, attainable. I am moving towards it. Trusting to believe. There is goodness and love. There is beauty and joy. We chant in meditation
I Am Love ~
That headspace is a good place to start each day. When I make time to self love, I am better. I certainly focus better. I am able to let go easier. Of course…. Not everyday is “good” or even mediocre. I’ve learned to be patient, and it’s ok to cry and get over yourself. Just let yourself feel.
I just do my very best, the best I can do, today. I continue to water my own garden, sew my own seeds, and trudge on. I am very much a thinker. I take it in, and slowly, I dissect it. Somewhere, in between, I circle it, examine it, and try and make peace with so very much. It’s a challenge. I work at healing everyday. I continuously slay the monster in my head. The one that stole my child. It’s a personal battle. One that I lost. Addiction often wins. That is hard to allow. Hard to have my heart accept it. Hard to swallow.
I foolishly watched half of “my sisters keeper” the other evening. Oh, I definitely knew it was a huge risk. But, in my top 10 of all time movies. Her sister Anna talks about her sister Kate dying. She say’s. We never truly figure out why they die. We aren’t supposed to figure out death. I had a moment there, where it made sense to me. Stop trying to figure it out. ~ I’m sure trying.
Love & light