Challenges, powerlessness

I awoke early, too early. The husband can be quite loud and abrupt at 4am. I know how important SLEEP is….it heals the brain, it heals the body. It allows us to escape the harsh realities, it is crucial for recovery and healing. Unfortunately, once I am awakened suddenly, the thoughts are rapid, they are instantaneous, Tom and Anna Lisa.  I often feel, that I am dreaming of them. My subconscious has to be working overtime. They are the first thought and the last thought everyday. I have adjusted to this. Loss, grief, the emptiness you feel inside daily. I describe it best by an overwhelming sadness. I am acutely aware, that the sadness is deep in my heart. I know the term…”heartbroken”, I have felt that pang a few times in my life. I guess what I am trying to describe is a physical pain. The heart yearns to love. It was installed inside us to accept love and most of all give love to others.  When you lose someone who you deeply love in your heart, it feels like a painful jagged piece is hurting. The heart is wounded.  It beats, but your sadness, grief makes it heavier. It is now scarred, bruised and wounded.  I pray and ask God, to please lift the burden, the sadness, the heartbreak.  I am striving daily to function more normally, gently and efficiently. The pressures of work, home and the custody battle of our granddaughter have taken it’s toll on all of us. The pain and loss so acute, I can barely allow myself to talk about it. I forced myself to emotionally detach. The mind can only process so much stress. I often think to myself…how was Thomas feeling?. My faith pulls me up, boosts my spirit and I rise, everyday.  I lean heavily on support groups and fellowships for healing and grace. I remember to thank God everyday. I pray to him everyday, to protect, guide and watch over my family. I still worry incessantly about everyone, fully knowing, I have little or no control over their choices and decisions. I can only focus on my journey and be supportive and present and hopefully, loving and kind.

The last few days have been tough. I received some news regarding my son’s custody battle. I hurt for my son. I feel defeated and I haven’t even begun to fight. I am disappointed and saddened by all of it. The hardest thing being, I have no control whatsoever.  I am too emotional to battle unstable people who we were nothing but kind and open too. I have no choice but to give this up to God and pray for the best outcome and support my son the best that I can.  I try and counsel my son, and guide him best I can, the rest will be up to him.  In the meantime, even though I don’t speak your name much, I can’t bear to look at your picture and I miss you every single day, Anna Lisa, you are loved & missed and prayed for daily. Nana adores every single ounce and inch of you, from the moment I held you, I melted. My beautiful, perfect, precious baby.

I strive and push myself everyday to be “ok”. I don’t ask or seek anything but inner peace and wholeness. Some days, are steeper, harder, rockier. I know, those are the days, I must push harder. I joined a grief study program last week. It is a pretty intense “grief class”. Work book and all. I have mixed emotions about committing to this 13 week course.  For one, I need it. Secondly, it is church based, good for the soul. Thirdly, Jesus is there, listening. Forth, Church ladies are nurturing, loving and gentle. I miss my Mom. I’m a foster daughter, I’ll take what I can get today. Lastly, I yearn to connect with people on a deeper level. I am gravitating in different circles of others grieving and that surrounds me with support and a deeper understanding of my faith. One day at a time. I am getting there. Lots of bumps and cliffs even, but I haven’t fallen yet. I have a big mountain to climb ya know.

I continually ask for prayers. I don’t know if someone, you, anyone is praying for us right now, I sure am. I pray for others daily too. It gets me through, makes me feel centered, loved. I will lift my troubles and woes up to God. He tells me to do so. Thank you for stopping by today.

Love & Peace  ~ leelee

In your garden…

Good Morning:

I stopped over your house. It looks exquisite as always. The snow has melted, the buds are up and you are not there. I walked around the yard with Ryan, he bought beautiful lilies and dahlia’s for your gardens. He dug the hole and we planted.  She, walked quietly behind us. I could sense her sadness and pain.  My mind was beginning to play a trick or two on me. I was abit afraid to step into the garage. I felt I would see something of yours. I looked at the big gates, and pictured you walking thru one, a rake or shovel in hand. It’s what you loved to do, garden, landscape, decorate. It shows, it’s breathtaking.  My heart sinks, I miss you so much. We sat on your porch and soaked up the sun for awhile. She doesn’t speak of you. They do not say your name. It must be too painful to go there. I glance at the wall and see a beautiful engraved stone, someone gave her. It reads…Gone by not forgotten. It is surreal Tom. My heart wishes, pleads within me, I wish you stayed. It shakes me, every time I go to your home.  I imagine you there, then not there, the heart breaks often, it is something I must learn to accept and grieve. Perhaps, 3 months isn’t enough time to accept your death. She told me that day. He is gone, he is not coming back. She is struggling, facing reality, she is now alone, without you. We both know, her & I, that life did not stop for you. That everyone, everything, still moves forward. It catapults us into the future, even when we want to dwell and grieve in the past.  For survivors of suicide loss, the feeling that we can still grow, love, discover, make memories, it consumes our mind.  That broken piece missing, how can this be? The harsh realities of death. The never ending questions in my mind, how did you not see this beautiful existence? This beautiful life and how the world adored you? The moment we see a second of beautiful, we remember you. The moment I hear your granddaughter speak, giggle and run, I think of you. The moment I pull up to your beautiful home, my heart pains me. I want you back. I want you to be at peace, I want what our lives were 3 months ago. The reality is, you are gone and I feel so much alone.

I force myself to breathe, to move forward. I honor you daily, pray daily and in my own little way, keep you alive in my heart, daily. I walked the boardwalk yesterday with my daughter. It was the most beautiful day. I noticed everyone was spending family time on the beach, together. I was moved by all the couples, happily holding hands and strolling. The children thrilled to be out in the fresh air, running and laughing.  Sons, daughters, parents, grandparents, all together, sharing the beautiful day.  There now is a dark hole, deep in my soul. There is no repairing it, filling it. The day you died, I knew, it would be there, that hole, forever. Today, I secretly pray you hear me. You can sense my love & grief and comfort me in some way. I strive just to see a moment of beauty and be present and aware of it.

By chance, Tom, if you can hear me, read me. Please pray for my son today. He has been through so much, struggling, and trying to stay afloat.  If you can pray for his daughter, for us, we need the love & prayers today. In the meantime, remember I love you always, to the moon & back again.

 

~ leelee

April showers, flowers & tears

Hello, and thank you for being here. I share my heart today, I am here, feeling misty blue. Clouds all week, but I am in my quiet moment. I have an abundance of gratitude to have these moments of solitude. I thought about posting 2 days ago. For some odd reason, we catalog in our brains, specific  calendar dates in our head. Births, deaths, anniversaries. All hold a special meaning for us.  We tend to cling to the day someone dies. We are eager to remember the timeline, the moments, hours before, leading up to, and we deep down wish we could turn back time. Perhaps, I should accept fully that I can never change what has happened. Most definitely, with the Grace of God, I am. In my time, with tons of support from fellowship, grieving bereavement groups, and sharing my grief with others who are also grieving a loss. Wednesday, would mark Tom’s death, 90 days. I sat and journaled about this. 90 Days, 90 years? Does it matter? The span and space inbetween? Would my loss or my heartbreak be any less? I think not. It is no different, loss. It was someone we love, cherished, adored. They leave the physical world, swiftly, unexpectedly. Some loved ones, suffer with a terminal illness or disease. I had watched my father slowly succumb to lung cancer. It shook me, and disturbed me for quite sometime. He fought, he took every single chemo and radiation treatment. He was still fighting and living each day. Tom’s death was tragic, violent and sudden. Guess what…90 days is a blur. I can’t even imagine any person I know or love not get that. Sadly, many are “past” it. Moved on, let go, accepted, grieved quicker, buried it, deny it or simply won’t grieve outwardly. I am none of those things, my heart doesn’t feel any less sad. Sadness, is such a huge part of grief. I am sad for and about Tom constant.  I am not confused, ashamed, depressed or suicidal. I am just sad and in mourning.

I wake up each day, wanting to live. Some days, I say, I do this for Tom. I think of him lovingly. I think of him giving and taking care of everyone and everything. I meditate and try and envision him in total peace. The peace he sought privately, that no one knew he lost or didn’t acquire.  I pray for each of his children and wife and my family to honor him, love him and be healthy and present in today.

I try and find some balance. A place to cry. A place to hide. A place to see beauty and hope. I am getting there. None of this is easy. I try and not make it more difficult. I try and be authentic and all the while knowing this one thing. You must walk into it, lean into it, and crawl through it, to see the other side. There is no short cuts, no hidden agenda. It is grief, it will always be a part of me. The only way to heal, is to face it and let it be a part of your journey. I try and remember. The way I feel today, this moment, will not last forever. It will, he will, soften, and his light will shine in me again.

Love & Peace to you,

~leelee

April arrives and we Rise!

Good Morning my friends. I am tickled pink that I slept an amazingly,  long  & restful sleep. I had a busy week at work. I am grateful each day that I can be productive. The distraction has been a blessing. It allows me to focus on work related things. It is helping my brain heal.  My job makes the day go quickly and sort of keeps me in line these days. I’m not going to b.s.,  I still have days, moments, where I feel like shutting off my world, my brain, my grieving heart. I want to simply curl up on the couch and watch mindless reality TV, and not deal. But, I don’t. I push myself. Some days, I just want someone to hold me and listen to my heart and understand it.

I hosted a dinner this week for my niece and my adorable great niece. They colored eggs and we hid them and she smiled like the sun.  A joy and a beautiful child. She is 3 now, soon to be 4. Her mom and I talked about how she will only remember her grandfather, perhaps only through pictures and video’s. My niece has suffered greatly since her father’s death. I feel protective of them maternally. I am proud of her, a single mom, struggling to make ends meet and now this loss, it burdens my heart. I gave her a canvas of her Dad & her daughter. She cried and told me, it was still too painful to hang it yet. I understood and my heart broke. He will be greatly missed tomorrow. I do not feel the need to celebrate this year. I will attend a sunrise Mass at the lake. I will listen and praise and thank God and be grateful for this beautiful life.  I will be missing my brother Thomas. We all will, miss him.

Though my heart is heavy, and grieving, I still see beauty all around me. I make a point of visually finding it each day. Either through a quote or a picture or a video or simply driving by the stables on the way to work. Beauty is all around us, you just have to pause and seek it. My daughter and I decided we wanted to cultivate and grow sunflowers.  So, I splurged over @ BURPEE Seeds and bought a variety to grow. I had a vision the other day. Perhaps, I can plant some here and there. In the woods or by the church or lake and make someone smile and spread a little love around. 

More and more I realize.   We Rise by Lifting Others~……

May I wish you all a healthy, warm and blessed Easter & Passover. May you all enjoy a moment, a day with your loved ones. Remember to embrace and tell them how they fill your heart and how much you love them.  Peace & Blessings  ~ leeleewe rise