January thoughts 2021

So, it looks like WE made it. Through the 2020 uncertainty and this year of struggles, strife, eruptions, protests, violence, and a pandemic, chaotic, elections and an eruption of extreme emotions, making our world sometimes unstable, divided and unsafe. COVID 19 is not over. 2020 is, but, the virus is very much here. The vaccine has been approved and they are plugging along as best as they can. I sincerely hope we can thank Pfizer for eradicating and saving lives one day. I saw my town numbers quadruple in the last couple of months. I now know many families that have gotten COVID 19. I am just laying low. I really am avoiding contact and exposure. I cooked meals for a neighbor for two weeks while she recovered. I try and do my little part. Yesterday, I avoided taking down my twinkly Christmas tree…just a week more! and then I thought…Well…why NOT? I quickly went about my Saturday, cleaning, cooking and COVID crafting! It’s become a big favorite of mine. Occupy your mind for a few hours, focus on art and creating a new wreath or sign. It’s simple fun. It’s relaxing and therapeutic. I gathered all my hearts and Red and Pink bows, flowers, ribbons and went to town. I enjoy creating whimsical decor. Valentines day is inspiring and romantic and it also stirs up my serotonin! Bascially, I glue and attach shit together and I feel loved! Be good to yourself this year. Do things that Make you feel Happy. Try new projects and hobbies. We all have time to expand our horizons. I love baking for my neighbors and dropping off a special treat. Remember, it’s the little things that wind up being so Important. So many pantry’s need food items. Make a small donation to your local churches and food pantries. We all need to take care of one another. I believe, hope & kindness will see us through.

I take time to write. We tend to let the most important priorities fall off. Like, self love, self care rituals In 2021, these are so important, now more than ever before. It’s ok, we humans are easily distracted! What is important is that you get back to it. Writing is a HUGE release. It is a tool for healing, a tool for anger, grief, and it can also help you process and start to heal your pain or grief or trauma. Perhaps you have pushed down childhood trauma? abuse? Start to write it out. Burn it if you want! Just get it out. If you can spare ten minutes a day to journal your thoughts, what you’re feeling.. or not feeling, try it. Take a month to write about YOU. It can be a gift of releasing sadness and grief after a break up. It can motivate you to start that project, paint that room, tear up the rug, finish a floor or redecorate your living space. It can help you clear out feelings of loneliness, insecurities, self doubt, guilt, self loathing. If you are feeling depressed, writing can open up the soul. It hurts to write sometimes, it hurts to remember sometimes. What is important here is to just Write it OUT… get it out, release it. I promise you.. you will feel a lightness inside. Another act of self love, self improvement.

So, take small steps. This isn’t a race. Life isn’t a race. We hold many chapters of our lives deep in our soul. Peeling some of the layers exposes us to find our new self. Our authentic self. Our world is forever changing and evolving. So should we. You’re worth trying something different or new. It’s ok to change your course. You can heal pain and trauma. Small steps. Most importantly, remember that you matter. Get OUTSIDE in nature. Gods gifts allow us to appreciate simplicity. Fresh air, tall trees, trails and waterfalls. Gardens and places that make you smile and feel loved and supported. Finding your very own gratitude and nourishing your soul. Let that be your mantra and motivation for 2021. Our new 46th President, Joe Biden said; Our country is in desperate need of healing and hope. I think he “gets it”! For that, I am hopeful too. Peace and Love to all of you in 2021.

~ leelee

December thoughts….

I was hoping to open with… “We’re in the final stretch!” errr, meaning, we had the Pandemic COVID virus under control or something like that. Truth is, we don’t. Yet. I am hopeful that the new vaccines will eradicate a lot of the anxiety and worry and deaths that COVID-19 has caused. So, the “hoax” virus is estimated in total could be close 500,000 deaths! One half a million lives lost due to complications of COVID-19. No Hoax there folks! So, young, middle or old. There is no rhyme or reason to this virus. Since Thanksgiving, the CDC, WHO, President Elect, have all pleaded with our nation to not “mingle”. Do not gather in large groups, do not throw big house parties, or meet up with a crowd of people to celebrate with cocktails. I know, some break the rules. I know teens and college kids are invinsible. They are now ordered to virtual learning and home schooling and stay in orders per state. What a combination! Who can juggle that? Emotionally? Finacially. The world had to shut down. Did we have any other choice? Since March, COVID has devastated hundreds of thousands of people. Loss of job, 50% loss of sales, business. Who can truly survive? They certainly can’t thrive this winter. The liquor stores will. Congrats! Liquor was immediately deemed essential to survive the pandemic. If I see one more meme or TikTok video with day drinking Mom’s…not a good look Mama’s. AA is going to be super busy next year for sure. White Claw (spiked seltzer) are Billionaires now. I don’t get it! Churches were shut down! You could not go in and pray or sing. I’m still baffled and frightened by our President ignoring or not addressing this nation over the last 10 months! He mocked Masks and he and his family all had COVID. It’s a tragedy, truly. I was so happy when my church figured it out and our pastor held service outside every perfect Sunday all summer long in our vehicles. It saved my heart and soul. Praying for those less fortunate, volunteering and donating meals and clothing to the ones that need it so badly now. Prayer and hope, that is what church taught me. Everyone needs to help each other and take care of each other. So, when the local casino opened BEFORE churches were approved to open, well, I started to see the world differently. Priorities, humanity, homelessness, hungry families, unemployment…it’s A LOT. I see it everyday. I found immense gratitude, each day for my warm home and nourishing food. The least I can do is give. Donations, food, an ear to listen, baking, cooking, volunteering. Healing comes from the simple act of giving back. No matter how small the gesture is. It is appreciated and can make someone feel loved. I see hardworking people with two jobs not making the rent. Hungry children at our schools, domestic abuse and child abuse rise as people fall silently. A pandemic. A scary, unstable time in our world. It runs a vicious, deadly course. It does not discriminate or choose who will live or die. We live in America. We have the ability to heal the sick, just not all of them. The only saving grace is the world statistics. Less than 1% of the population will die from COVID-19. I pray for the less than 1%. I know what grief tastes and feels like. I can’t imagine, saying goodbye on an IPAD to your parent or grandparent. Emotionally, the medical healthcare workers are at risk 24/7. You rarely hear ANY of them complain. They are robots, numb and overworked and underpaid. Yet, they sacrifice everything to save lives. I’m in awe of all of you, truly.

I haven’t seen my daughter since 2019. It will be a year soon. I haven’t seen my Granddaughter in 18 months. I miss her terribly. She now resides in Greece. We gave her a beautiful wedding last year. Love is beautiful. She had an elegant reception with 100 people who love her. Joy and happiness were in abundance. I was thankful and overjoyed for her. Now! She is expecting a baby in May. They live abroad. I realized this Thanksgiving was the first time ever that I did not have my children with us. It’s hard. I get it! I haven’t hugged my daughter in almost a year. We spend hours on Face time. (Thank GOD for that miracle) and talk many times a day. OnThanksgiving morning. She cooked her entire meal while I was on Face time with her. Lessons learned. This is truly what Thanksgiving means. To be with the ones you love always. I felt close to her, proud of her and grateful to be her Mama. I am certainly missing her near me, next to me. I made a turkey for 2 this year. It was the first holiday in over 40 years that we were alone. IT was certainly….. Different. Not terrible. It’s just the reality of 2020 right now. I have learned to accept and make something GOOD out of it. I delivered the leftovers to our nephew who lives alone. I’m sure he enjoyed a hot meal. It’s the love we share. The love we are able to give without expectations. It’s the little things that still matter. A Christmas tree with sparkly lights. I awake everyday and smile. Some people have no tree, no presents, no home this year. It’s picking a child off the Angel tree at church and buying a special toy for them. It’s baking and delivering food with Love. It’s not hard. It’s not a fortune to cook a meal. It is important to spread that love and ask that everyone just do something. If you buy someone a hot tea and donut, or a happy meal or a sandwich, a pie…it doesn’t matter what it is. It matters that you care enough to help and give back. As our president elect so beautifully said. Our nation is in need of Hope again. Healing again. Let’s get there together.

I have taken advantage of all the extra stay at home time to do many projects. I took up photography and expanded my gardens with beautiful flowers and shrubs. I took little trips to photograph bridges, barns and flowers. I escaped the news and incessant political venom and hate. I, instead, watched the season ofspring roll into a beautiful summer. I noticed each bloom, bulb, leaf, birds nests and all that nature has to show and give to us. I was introduced to exotic birds and sweet sounds of nature flowing and buzzing. If or when I felt smothered, I would drive out to the east end of Long Island and gather shells and rocks to paint and hide. Gratitude, just kept blooming inside my soul. I finally finished a project or read book that I just kept putting off. I wrote my story and hope someday it helps someone. My Mama left me a check once. It was written to herself for “Simple Abundance”. Thank you Mom for reminding me. Lately, my most fun and exciting projects is that I pretend to be an artist. I make crafts and repurpose stuff and relish in the simplicity of creativity and imagination. I redecorated with the things I already have and organized closets, basement, etc. and then I donated my “stuff”. We all can clean out the attic and basement and garage and donate things we don’t use or need. One man’s junk is another’s treasure. I donated half of all my Christmas decorations to a family that had a house fire. I just felt that the children would appreciate a touch of home for the holidays. Again, it’s the little things. I think I may sound a bit like the Coca Cola song. I’d like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony. Harmony is not such a bad thing. I miss music outside, concerts, hugging and laughing with no mask. I zoom weekly with my support groups, it helps so much. I yearn to read and learn about humanity and how Kindness is spreading. I also acknowledge that many are suffering. Depression, addiction, alcoholism, suicide all on the rise because of life, and our current circumstances. Many have no tools, no therapy, no insurance, no contact, no love. I urge anyone suffering in silence to find online support (if possible). The 12 step recovery meetings are free. They work. Just make the call. Toll free Hotlines are still working. Reach out and seek help. Everyone deserves to NOT Suffer. I have also had to face and accept that our own family members are suffering and dealing with all of the above. They are hurting. They are sick and addicted. They are angry and emotionless. To be honest, I had to accept and let them go, gently. They don’t want any help because they are unwell. I cried many times for them, for me, and accepting where they are right now. I cried for us.I miss “us” the most. I told them all how thankful I am that they are all alive and we didn’t lose anyone to COVID. I recall my youngest brother on our one and only Zoom call in March. He said, he was sick and tired of the BS and hoax and honestly, he said.. I think we should just all get it and get it over with. I was in shock, really? He was angry at the Pandemic Hoax and forced to shelter in. After all, it was fucking up his social life and his ability to earn money, blah blah blah. I wasn’t being honest with myself or with him. For years, I watched addiction change someone completely and what was once fun is now non existent. No wonder they had no ability to love and support me over the last few years. It cut deep and I let it torture me in my darkest days. You shouldn’t have to beg for support or love. Today, I just have to remember.. I can’t control, fix or save anyone. I can only live and control how I live and who I choose to spend my time with. Lessons learned and some are harsh.

I know who I am. Where my heart is. I figured out what heals me and propels me to keep on. It doesn’t appear or happen overnight. Grief takes work and patience. Time is a great healer…it is true. I am guilty of wanting to share it with the ones I love. I wanted to make a difference in their lives. I wanted to share my story and how I recovered. I tried many times. Years later, I finally had to let go and move on. Painful still. What I do know is you must find your tribe! Seek out support and love. What I found along the way is Faith and Gratitude. Finding your own inner peace. Priceless. Planting your own seeds and taking the time to love yourself in whatever state of being you are in currently. I still chase waterfalls and flower gardens and oceans and shells and rocks. I know what matters. I try and be a loving, kind, human. I’m a work in progress, finding my path and my purpose here. My sister calls it, “God’s work”. Perhaps she is right. I am so grateful and thankful for her love & support. I am constantly trying to be understanding and supportive. Sometimes, that is all someone needs, just to be heard. I learned, some lessons can’t be taught. I do know a few things. I chose not to suffer anymore.

As we head into 2021, I am filled with hope. I am excited about a new life entering our world and hearts. She will be loved beyond the moon and the stars. I see my cup is full, brimming over with limitless possibilities! Just take it all one day at a time.

Love, & Peace, stay safe!

Leelee

We’re never too old to learn a few things

Good Morning My Lovely:
I hope this post finds you smiling and relaxed. I awoke to a heavy rain shower and smiled. Rain has been pretty scarce in the north this summer. You won’t hear me complain about it, because, beach days are abundant. I met my sis in law yesterday at her private beach in Babylon. The vibe there and energy is instantly uplifting. We had a cool breeze, partly cloudy and comfy. I sit there in my beach chair, surrounded by beautiful, strong, women and I am filled with gratitude. I live on an island that sometimes feels like paradise. I have traveled up and down the East and West coastlines and I am fully aware that I live on a tiny island of paradise. I grew up close to the bay, boating, fishing, clamming, crabbing and camping and beaching it. It was simple, organic and I am very much attached to it. We have a saying on the Island… I am 20 minutes from the bay and 20 minutes the other way is the ocean. As I grew older, I learned to appreciate it more and more. I often sneak out east early and explore and photograph all the beauty that surrounds me. There is an abundance of it. I have yet to explore the entire long island… but, it is what I thoroughly enjoy doing. I snuck out and drove alot when COVID 19 landed. I found the beaches empty and loved it. Throughout my exploration and self explorations; I have found beauty all around me. I think it’s one of the reasons I started a blog. I wanted to share my “leelee” moments and record them for my children to read, long after I am gone. I wanted to share my heart and a few of my favorite things. I originally planned on blogging about FOOD. I love to cook and create delicious dishes, however, it is time consuming to blog it all! Maybe, one day, when I slow down….maybe.

I see we are approaching the 5th Month of COVID 19 Pandemic. The virus that changed the entire world. Has it changed you? Did this anger you more than scare you? Did you feel panic, face financial loss? Did you lose someone you love to COVID 19 Virus? I have been observing and listening and praying. I chose NOT to listen to the news. I believe there is a level of brain washing. The media, and its hype. I just try and follow the rules. I do read the totals and tallies daily. I can see the flattening of the curve….I do feel safer out in public, but, we still wear masks. I often think about our masking. How Long? I wish I knew how to sew! I realize it is an added thingy. You leave your car.. you now have to account for keys, phone, wallet & MASK! Everyone laughs at themselves for having to return to your car for the MASK. It’s OK! For what IT’s WORTH, we are all still healthy! I find the population is much more relaxed about it now, and the numbers are holding, so all that is a good thing. We live in a world of uncertainty and panic for some. We all need to do our part.

This paragraph, the one that hurts me to write the most about is our current situation with protests, riots, hate, racism and the great divide. I have seen the hate and abuse. I sadly witnessed a group of kids destroy a police vehicle. The rage…it hurts my soul. I felt fear for the first time since COVID 19. A different type of fear.Now it is Fear of violence. Fear of hatred. Thousands gathered to protest. They did not end peacefully. This is not the 60’s… There are no peace signs. No one is singing the Coca Cola song. This pent up, built up, Rage, Anger, Frustration & Hatred. These emotions have saddened me. Does it really matter if I were to play ping pong with you? This one is right. This one is wrong. I see his point and I see yours. What I DON’T see or hear is peace. Our president doesn’t even address it! He doesn’t seem to care to get involved. That hurts me even more. I don’t hear the words peace & harmony. I must be naive. I live with inner peace and acceptance. I do not relate to violence in any form. I want to understand this insanity. I want to believe we can overcome. Can we?

In the meantime, our church will pray for all of you suffering. We will support our police. We acknowledge there is good in the world. We also acknowledge, there are bad people in the world. Cops too. But, mostly, I want to respect them. I want to support anyone who lays their LIFE on the line everyday for You and I. My father was a NYPD Cop. He was tough, rough around the edges. He had a career that he LOVED and adored for 25 years. He would come home and tell us stories about where he was working and the people that impacted his life. Racist or not, he would always share details about saving someone’s life or finding a baby in the street wandering around, or delivering twins in his squad car. He once cried telling us of a “hardworking” family he knew for years in a rough neighborhood. They beat him half to death and robbed him. He cried for that man, I remember. Real moments that meant something to him and us. Like I said, he was tough, old school. But, he was always fair. That is what people are screaming FOR! Yes, they are destroying, hurting each other in the process. They don’t have coping skills, they grew up hard. They scream for: Equal rights, humanity, fairness, justice, to be heard! to be recognized and respected. Don’t we all deserve that????? Let’s hope we get there someday. There is always hope.

Part of me is sad that this had to happen. George Floyd died. I watched it and cried. It was enough to wage the war on bad cops. I get it. I think every human knows he was a bad cop. I can’t stand that the other 5 officers did NOT stop him. Perhaps, from that day forward, they now will. Change comes. It’s part of living life. Stop hurting innocent people. Stop hating the Blue, they are trying to do their job now. Perhaps, one day, they will save your life. I know respect is earned. I wish we could call a truce and let it be. Like War, it solves nothing.

So this Pandemic has opened my eyes to many things. I did not expect to deal with this level of Racism Protests. I hope over time, there is some resolution some change, some healing. Until then….I will be at the beach…counting my blessings and thanking God for one more day.

Peace*…~

leelee

Pause…..finding your superpower in the NOW*

Hello out there.  I’d knock, but, you probably wouldn’t or shouldn’t answer. The whole social distance thing is REAL! The enormity of COVID 19 (media/news coverage) must be intense.  I wouldn’t know, I chose not to feed into my news feed/social media/feeding frenzy. Instead, from day ONE, I chose to explore. I chose nature and art and of course writing, and learning. As for the Pause… Leelee happily, joyfully,  signed up for every Goddess/Warrior/Self Love/Workout/Yoga/Meditation/Shamanic practices/Mindfulness/Gratitude/teacher/ coach/mentor/therapist/All Guru’s! I willed them to me! & they graciously offered it up! For Free Yo! for MOI! I went in deep. I seriously couldn’t contain my excitement. I was estatic at the opportunity to learn. I was literally so elated about the “pause” and the opportunity to Educate and Explore myself, I was almost embarrassed to share my new spiritual awakening with my tribe. I did share with those I trust. I was also told NOT to hold this awakening “in”. Share it with people. Teach, comfort those around you. The Pause, I feel caused the universe to Shift. Adjust if you will. I feel deeply that I received deeper understanding of humanity and the air was instantly cleaner. My ears began buzzing (tinnitus) triple loud. The atmosphere is cleansing itself. In months, the Himilayan mountains were visible. Rome saw the stars clear and bright because the pollution and smog lifted. The earth is resting, cleansing itself of toxins. I like to think of this time as a Global renewal and a new awakening!
The world had to Stop-Pause-Stay Home. Everyone, Universally. That in itself is powerful. So, In a blink, we shut it DOWN. Boom. The world stopped spinning for the first time ever.

The chaotic, self absorbed, egotistical, money obsessed, stressed out, “wealthy” money makers. The ones that are owned and obsessed and ruled by earning money. I feel sorry for you. Many people equate money and/or success = happiness. I’m pretty sure I lost you, ummm, probably at Hello. That’s ok. I remind you, lovingly, you have NO control right now. None. Sorry. I think about a trader/ wall street guru, who is rolling their eyes about now… but, like, just here me out K?  Perhaps, this Global Pause- jolted, catapulted us forward. Perhaps it enabled us ALL to make way for a new, cleaner, kinder planet and world. Maybe the Gods already knew how much pain and agony our sacred earth had been suffering? Crime, addiction, suicide, cancer, war, hate, bullying, pesticides, greed, indifference, a desensitized generation of entitled, self absorbed millennials that suddenly become overnight” influencers” or young billionaires are made instantly off of a puffy lip product! We lost our minds and our sense of calm. We never “paused”. Life was constantly in motion. Work, career, money ruled over Love, family and God. Yet, with the new mindfulness movement, secretly we all craved a more organic simple life. Living in the rat race takes its toll. It wasn’t that we all needed “more”. We have more than what we need! I just learned to appreciate, every raindrop, every moment. The question looming around: Did we need a Pandemic to cure our sick, self absorbed, ego driven, cruel world? Would this shift help those mentally suffering? Just by stopping- pausing, slowing down, stay home? Truly, surreal moment in history. That’s for sure. The COVID 19 virus is real. It spread super FAST from China and abroad. Today, presently, there is no cure or vaccine. We must open our eyes and then we must figure this out. We never prepared ourselves for Shelter in Place! Some may have prepared for the end of the world. Most of us, don’t. My brain kept thinking, this feels like a scene from Sandra Bullock’s, Bird Box in a weird way. Unchatered territory for sure! I mean, What does Pandemic mean anyway?? Is that like yet another new millennial term like( e.g.),errrr, Polar Vortex or something? I dunno, frankly, I, myself, felt a strong inner shift inside. A spiritual awakening happened the moment we were ordered told “Shelter in Place”. I already had mines! Girl, I dreamed about staying at home for years. Indulging oneself to mindfulness & self wellness and self=awareness. I seriously was totally prepared to hunker it on down! (cept TP).. but, that works itself out eventually right? Oh and BTW, I LOVE the TP commercials. 8 weeks later some marketing genius at Charmin got a light bulb moment! Let’s advertise our very much, needed, and out of stock, short supply Brand of TP and we are still like, “winning” during this pandemic! Shrugs, first of all, I am only permitted to buy the ahemm, ONE PLY, “gentle/safer for septic tanks” tissue! I literally am Jelli of people who buy Angel Soft for their cute butt. JELLI! Mine is like soft sandpaper, and you better LIKE it!

So, the days tick on. One by one. I avoid the news. I know what is happening. I read the daily numbers, every single day by town. I live in Suffolk County. It’s a red zone, hot spot. What started 10 weeks ago with a few or a dozen people testing positive. It is now in the THOUSANDS in many towns across Long Island. Every single day the numbers INCREASE. You may live remote or with 1 case in your town. That is not my situation currently. It is what it is. There is definately some panic in the world. But, Shouldn’t there be? I expected extremists and radicals to flip out. I don’t blame them. I mean, who has ever had to shut down a country? Stop millions from working, or earning a living? No one prepared for this shit! (Apparently 45 knew it was coming last year!) but, whatever. Still, we must adapt. I live in New York. I was prepared for New York City being a red zone. It is the potpourri melting pot of cultures, so, for me, it makes sense. I understand that many people who suffer from and with anxiety or depression or paranoia, now are at a higher risk. My therapist is working double since the pandemic. Most people admit they have increased their drinking to cope. Many began new medications to cope. Overdoses have increased quickly since the shut down. Doctors are stretched beyond their human limits. Suicide rates increase. People are suffering, child abuse, domestic violence, hunger, despair from all the financial stress. I think, all of those emotions and feelings are scary and concerning. I think many are struggling to figure it out. It’s ok. We are all in this together. This, my friends is as REAL as it will get. A Huge wake up call for humanity. I try and absorb the enormity of the situation. I vow to do my part. I began a fundraiser for many hungry kids here on Long Island. It is hard to ignore the reality. I work with high risk children in schools, all below poverty level. This is just an added burden for them and their families. I just try and reach out and help. They NEED it. I don’t need anything, I have all I could ever need. I can give to someone in need. I am proud to be able to help. Mostly, I hope many can return to work soon. Fact: You can’t live on Long Island without making BIG dollars. So yeah, I understand the desperation and rush to return to “normal”. But, seriously, what is normal now? Do you really believe we will just pick up where we stopped? Personally, I don’t. If we remember twenty years ago. The World Trade Center terrorist attack. We all changed. Our world was different. What I most remember is the outpouring of Love, support, compassion and unity. I remember proudly displaying our flag and everyone cared. Everyone shared. Everyone wept for one another. Today, I see everyone is a armchair expert. Everyone has their opinions, predictions, conspiracy theories. I just try and live my BEST self today. Why? Because that is all we have is today. We already learned that living through 9/11. The truth, the secret to living a beautiful life IS: We only have NOW. Nothing else is promised to us. Now, is all that truly matters.

I never listened to Trump. I mean, who can even tolerate watching and listening to his Extra Super Huge Ego! Certainly not during a time like now? We are well aware that our 45th president was/is a businessman/real estate mogul. He loves the all mighty American dollar right? He owns a bunch of hotels and casinos himself. He is a wealthy man. So, to order only Essential Business remain open was a very hard but absolutely SMART decision. Our city shut down for a few weeks after 9/11. The stock market closed for the first time in history. We understand a “pause”. What is the world showing us now? What lesson is it for each one of us to learn? We had China and Italy to model that for USA, right? eh? However, I do remember him quoting in early March, “we hope to be out of this by Easter” … enough said 45, enough said! Smacks tape over his mouth. I internally whisper, four 4 more years of this! Shivers. Anywayyyy… We all saw what happened in Wuhan and Italy. I cried at the mass grave sites. I believe we sadly learned from their error & their sad tragedy and human loss and sacrifice. I believe we are better equipped. We have the medical equipment necessary and staff and we have that thang – that – NY GRIT! We get through anything together. Crime is way down? That’s a miracle in itself. I started to see 100’s of the most amazing and heartfelt commercials pour out on national TV. Each one, brings tears to my eyes. LOVE and compassion. Recently, I really enjoy the TP ones! I watch and feel Pride for our essential workers. I read only the stories of Hope and Love in my local news. I share them with my family. Sparks of love. Moments of human kindness and compassion. I cry everyday reading them. I pray for each health worker in this country. You are brave and you are what is keeping America alive. GOD bless you all. Heroes emerge from tragedy. I call them Angels in scrubs. I am humbled and honored to acknowledge all of you. Angel bumps everywhere. I am thankful and grateful to each one of you. The Front Lines cover all workers. Everyone who gets up and braves this virus and goes to work everday, I salute you!

I was on board with social distancing. Gosh, I love my alone time SO MUCH! The work from home option became a reality. Closing the schools/churches/restaurants. It sometimes felt like a dream. Yet, I was sitting home watching this unfold. Fascinating. Unprecedented. Now, “Tele “learning is the new normal. Parents are all home schooling their kids! Oh Man! you are ROCK STARS, everyone’s showing their TRUE superpowers and its refreshing honestly. I know it has it struggles, especially with special needs children. I commend you. I think you are courageous, brave and resilient. I am teary just thinking about this “pause”. The upside…. You get to be with your kids 24/7. When will that EVER happen again??? They grow so fast. It’s true, you blink and they are graduating, off to college, married! Sieze the moments. Live and relish in Today. You have the power to bond and love and spend that “quality” time you always envied. Right Now. Today. Embrace it best you can. Lately, I have seen videos of a work from home Mommy, seeing her baby take their first steps. I have seen 1000 neighbors with strollers, dogs, kids in tow and smiles. They walk everyday now. They are a solid team. Mommy & Daddy and kiddies and puppies. I see lots of Daddies with their children, spending time that they never had the opportunity to spend. I think this we are all changing as humans. The universe is slowly showing us what truly matters! Mostly, I think this will bond and heal our families. It will solidify that together we can all recover. We can support each other as neighbors, friends and communites. We all are learning to adapt and to live differently. I stop and admire the afternoon strolls now. I love listening to children giggle. I stop and remember way back when and try and remember those precious moments together. I see people paying for someone’s groceries. Offering to shop for the elderly. I saw my Niece, come home and collapse in tears and totally traumatized. She is working in a nursing home, overworked with a short staff. Tough times for sure. I think about the working Mom and Dads working from home, AND homeschooling at the same time. You’re everything right now. Tele- therapy/medicine. Ahhhmazing! Then ALL colleges and campuses shut down. Mind blowing! No graduation class? The disappointment for the class of 2020. I feel them. Then, instantly, all students had to adjust to home learning. No ditching. So, the millennials have NO choice. No opting out. No protests! We are ALL in this shit together. Yet…amazingly, somehow, (for the most part) it is working. Slowly they had learned to adapt. Improvise, expand and be flexible. Drive by Birthday wishes and Screams are the norm now. I tear up and watch them all line up to support their friend/classmate. We adapt. We are learning. They are learning. Change enables us to see a different perspective. A pause allows us to look within ourselves. Self examination into our own minds and thoughts and coping abilities. It’s a true test of your “grit” or gratitude. You choose. You either fight it or you fall into it. I chose to fall and dig deep.

Now! I ask for a moment of silence. I would like to acknowledge and Thank the internet conferencing company called, ZOOM. This one conferencing company SAVED our world! Seriously, They are and continue to support and be the lifeline and connection for everyone, everyday! Globally, I applaud you. 100 year old grannies are zooming! I am proud!

We stayed in and home for one major reason: To Keep Americans alive. Right? Oh, yeah, by the way, This is NOT all about You today.. (boohoo). So… PUHLEASEeeee, I don’t care to hear your whining, entitled opinions about sheltering in place. You’re not the Pres, you are not a Scientist (Except my son in law is, lol). So, keep your “fuck it” theory to yourself. The mindset of self absorbed individuals that rant. We should all just GO OUT AND GET IT! and get it over with!… I am flawed at your ignorance and stupidity. I even wrote a snarky post about it. I am well aware that 80% of cases are considered “mild” or even Asymptomatic. Personally, I am Thankful for that. However, I’m fighting for the underdog, ya know, those other 20% of people fighting, sick, suffering and sadly dying from COVID-19 it’s scary and it’s real. So, please keep your theory to yourself. Go out, do you! your ego based, narrow minded mingling. Whine about the bars closed. Whine about your nails (a lot). Stay self absorbed and oblivious to helping someone else other than yourself. Nice knowing you, but, I am sick and embarrassed by your narcisstic, selfish, self absorbed rants. I don’t care about your hair or nails. I don’t. I do care about my community and pitching in. There is something to be said about doing your part. Staying positive, humble and kind. Oh, you bet your ass that I’m complying. I can’t risk getting sick and leaving my only daughter here alone in her 20’s. That is Not happening. I love HER that much, so Shut Up and pretend to be “smart”. Don’t ask to hang out. However, we CAN Zoom. Some families remain connected and close. They care about one another. They reach out. They facetime with their kids and Grandkids. They are constantly connected… There is a huge message in that, embrace it! It’s beautiful. It’s LOVE.. I envy and admire that tremendously. LOVE cures all.

Today, like… week 10 of self quarantining: I woke up today, in a warm bed. Slept in and listened to the rain and the Dove who sings each morning. I have delicious food to cook and eat. I can walk and take a deep breaths. I am blessed today. I feel protected/safe. Mostly, I felt gratitude. Enormous gratitude that is building inside. I call it inner peace. Total peace. It is well within my soul~.

Instantly and instinctively, My empathy and compassion kick in. How can I help? How can I be of service? How can I make a difference in someone’s life today? What part of me is needed to help heal our world? I already made a path. Volunteering lead me down a path. Support groups showed me the way to healing. I offer my services, I am a recovery coach. I am available to support people struggling. I Remember a few years ago? 3.5 years ago exactly. Lord knows, I was struggling. In deep pain and sadness. I was consumed with worry and fear. 3.5 years ago, I lost my son to an Opiod/Overdose. See, I’ve already met the darkness and the tragic sudden loss of my child. I am a survivor. I have already learned to adapt. I have the courage. I became a warrior for the causes that touch me. Honestly, what could be possibly be worse than living in fear for years? When I lived in fear, worry, anxiety it made me sick and weak. I had no control or ability to save him. That nearly drove me insane. So, you see, I wasted years and years in that powerless state of fear. I didn’t quite see it like that back then. My mission was to save my son. Tragically he didn’t recover, he died from it. I could not save him. The moment when you must face your biggest fear and then it happens, well, there is nothing left but to recover. That is a long, hard road. It is possible. I am here to stand in my recovery and move forward with my knowledge and truth. I truly don’t think I could ever fear much anymore. I had to figure out how to turn that around and make peace with all of it. I learned that you can’t save anyone. You can’t control addiction and you certainly can’t control the outcome. COVID-19 is like that. We are just learning about this virus and how to treat it and hopefully find a vaccine for it in the future. We are swimming in unchartered waters. We are racing for the “cure” if you will. I will do my part to support that. Today, my heart only worries and hurts for those who have lost their loved ones due to COVID 19 Virus. I do pray everyday for things to get better. I truly, deeply believe that this will all get better and so will we! Do your part today. Give with your whole heart. Human compassion, awareness, self love and nurturing your soul and building and growing in your faith. These things sustain us through the worst of times. I am a true testament to what a survivor is.

I spend my days, busy, content in doing a million little things. I became an artist overnight. Errr.. Self proclaimed! I redecorated every room. I cleaned all the dust bunnies and scrubbed and disinfected all the unseen corners. All we have is time. I chose to look at it today as a gift. Time. What has the pause showed me about myself? I am teachable. I have loved every webinar on self improvement, self care, self love. You discover beautiful things about yourself if you choose to go within. Meditation is big part of my sheltering in place routine. I do Yoga (online) and lots of different meditations. It’s a practice, so take 5 minutes and start there. I guarantee you see the benefits! Even just breathing for 5 minutes. Amazing, organic self love. Please try it! I recommend The mindful movement (On YOUTUBE). Sarah Raymond is one of my favorites. I listen to all her meditations. I think she has changed my life, in so many ways. <3. Gratitude! Some other things I enjoy: I pick a new recipe every couple days and create delicious, comforting meals. Cooking is my zen, always has been. I think a lot when I cook. I love writing. I have been writing a lot. I am documenting my experience and spiritual awakening of sorts in my book. I love to send cards, notes, beads to other Mom's grieving. I text my support group members with a hug every few days. I send packages out to my family to let them know I am thinking about them and missing them. A big part of my days are planning out projects. So much stuff to keep me busy and happy. My passion is decorating and my gardens are my total Joy. I love planting and making my backyard whimsical. I call it "my lil heaven"... and for me it is! I enjoy the fresh air, cool spring breezes, long days filled with sunshine. It's my healing energy. The dirt, the sunrays, the birds... its ALL good in my lil heaven. Gardening and creating renews me everyday. I've learned really creative ways to use up leftovers and waste nothing! I love repurposing household items into new art. I drive out to the ocean and pick the best smoothest rocks. I bring them home and clean them up and paint them. Inspirational sayings, words of encouragement and hope. I leave them all over town as little gifts and surprises for those that need a hug. Low and behold, I opened the local newspaper and everyone is painting rocks and spreading their support and love! Clearly, it's spreading. The "shift" is penetrating our earth. I sneak a package of seeds and a painted rock saying ~you are beautiful~ to my new neighbor who lost her husband last year. I donate to food banks, cook meals for sober homes and make care packages for nurses. I send my nephew home cooked meals to heat up and enjoy after his long shifts as an ambulance driver. Honestly... Hey? Isn't that what God did? Like, the last supper. Shared his bread and wine. Smart man. I try and follow him. I let him guide my heart and teach me to be a good woman, mother, wife, friend, human. I swear, I am grateful every single day. I worship the sunshine and every flower and seed sprouting. I have made friends with every neighborhood bird this spring. They sing with Joy everyday. It's comforting. I've learned to appreciate the little things. I open my heart and meditate each day in Gratitude. I feel the powerful energy of Love and Compassion. It's contagious and I hope you catch it too. I have time to sit and reflect on memories of the past. The life and love my parents made and gave for us. The sacrifices and unconditional love and support has been my salvation and rock through it all. I always feel lucky. Lucky to have been loved by two amazing people who taught me so much about life and about family. Their LOVE remains.... deep in my heart. My faith strengthens. My heart lifts. My healing continues and I remain humble. Oh, I never say... I'm bored. Ever. I encourage you to find your passion! Once you begin, your life will change for the better. Don't give up. Things will and are getting better, slowly. Be good to yourself and everyone you love. Tell your kids everyday, you love them and they matter. Be the change and involve your children in giving, in making a difference, in helping your neighbor and most important, being compassionate humans. What a gift! I had so much to say. I tend to shy away, make excuses. Today, I am taking a couple of hours and penning my thoughts and my gratitude in this blog. I decided to spend the morning remembering, honoring, sharing, caring, and bringing you the BEST LeeLee Moments...as I hear, feel and live them. Namaste, Stay Healthy and Stay Humble & Please Stay Home <3 ~leelee