Pre Christmas thoughts & her flower
Good Morning to you. I hope this blog post finds you well rested and content. I strive not to over stress or develop anxiety over a simple holiday. Christmas has meaning, deep seeded from my Mother and her love for it. I have shared here before, that the last few years have been a slow and steady progression of grieving and healing. I could barely muster up any heart or desire to “celebrate” our Lord Jesus. Part of me was angry, part of me so sad. I remember the first Christmas Eve, I didn’t host. My mom had passed October, the holidays crashed down so fast, it is still a blur. What was clear in my heart was, both my parents were deceased. I truly felt orphaned for the first time in my entire existence. I yearned for a stand in maternal figure. I allowed myself to grieve. I went to my brother’s for dinner and it was simple and easy. I knew it was ok not to feel good. It was quite normal to feel numb to it all. You definitely go thru the motions, I also knew, the day would not last forever. I had grown accustomed to Christmases without your loved ones. After my father died, missing them around your table, reminiscing about them, sort of became a tradition. I desperately tried to keep them alive , I spoke about them so my children would remember them easily. I wanted their memories and traditions , to remain intact. I know I wanted to preserve those moments forever. The truth is, those memories from our childhood and early adulthood are no longer apart of our Christmas. Slowly, we learned to adapt and adjust to change. My brother doesn’t speak much about our parents. He doesn’t stand and make a big speech or say a blessing or a prayer before dinner. He doesn’t read a Christmas letter to his children or wife. He doesn’t carry any of those traditions my parents began . My oldest brother Thomas, opens his home and his heart to everyone to come and enjoy, relax and have a beautiful meal with his family. He has a beautiful Granddaughter, who is 3 now. She has been our light and hope each and every year since her birth. She is our families future.
As you well know, this Year is a very special one. My Granddaughter, will arrive on New Years Eve. This Christmas will be different. Our lives will be enriched and forever changed. I have dreamt about this, about her, about my children having their own… My entire life. Here she comes <3. My heart is beating faster as I type. My excitement is stirring. Our little angel Anna Lisa is ready to be born. Praise Jesus, may she be healthy and loved and blessed every day of her life. I daydream about this baby, I can’t wait to meet, and hold and love eternally. Mostly, I think of my Mom. How I wish you were next to me to share this together. Please watch over us and pray for them.
So, as all of us run around and prep & get ready to celebrate his birth, we eat, drink and be “merry” and enjoy a few well deserved days together, I am truly blessed to have a family to share it with. The birth of our Savior, the twinkling lights and glitter and sparkle. The children squealing with delight, the presents wrapped and piled High, my overspending, indulging my kids, reflecting on this past year, & the beginning of a new journey for Lisa. The decision to change my health, to quit cigs, to rid myself of 4 shots and 10 pills a day, all of that unhealthy lifestyle and daily pain and suffering is gone. I am a new person, in many ways. I have goals, and I really feel I can achieve them slowly. I finally found a career, a job that I love, that gives me personal satisfaction and a good income. I am thankful each and every day for all that I have and continue to work towards being. This year, I cleaned out my closets, nooks and crannies and donated and gave to local charities. I found families in need and contributed gifts and food & many of my Christmas decorations & ornaments, so they too could have a warm and special Christmas. I am prepping and wrapping and stuffing and cooking and baking and singing Christmas tunes. I found Christmas again, my heart feels you everyday. I feel my Mom swirling around me often. I won’t deny, I still have my moments. Ya know, I watch a show, a movie, a commercial and there you are. The tears, they flow easily for you. I suppose they always will, because I love & adore you both so…. Mom, in memory of you, and many beautiful days of your flowers around the house. I was determined to replica your Amaryllis blooms. I bought a couple and finally! I got them to bloom! Just in time for Christmas, every minute I stare at them, I think I can feel you near me, close to me. I miss every thing about you, especially @ Christmas. I always picture Heaven having a really awesome Christmas. Totally your style Mom, over the top and very sparkly. I bet you are the hostess, sharing your love and cream puffs with everyone. Blessings & love to you all ~ leelee