Self reflections, counting blessings….

It’s 10:am, this week has been a whirlwind. I am filled with thoughts today, tears flow easily. This happens time to time for me. I start to miss my parents. When stresses build and big decisions need to be made, I had always turned to them.  For support or good advice, a helping hand, a reassurance that I was making good choices, reaffirming that I was strong enough to handle whatever life is giving or taking from me. It truly was a lifeline, the closeness and trust me & my parents built. They afterall, raised 5 kids, took care of their parents and a lifetime of experiences, heartache, stress, yet they both stuck together and toughed it out. I would lean on my Dad to guide me and encourage me. I would lean on my Mom to comfort me and listen to my heart. They never waivered, their love was always stronger than anyone or anything. Trust is something that bonds your souls together. I knew 100%, they would never steer me wrong. I trusted their instincts and in turn, it made me trust my own.  It taught me how to express myself, to communicate and to listen. I try to instill this in my own children. Somehow, I feel like I haven’t accomplished that.  I can still hear my father consoling me, encouraging me…saying “you know what to do, just do it”. My mom had a softness about her. I just knew she always wanted the best for me. She would constantly tell me, how gifted and loving and intuitive I was. She was certainly my biggest “Fan”. She would quietly tell me how proud she was of me, how inspired she was BY me. She would reflect and tell me, Lisa Marie,  I didn’t do half the things you do on a daily basis. You work, take care of your family, you go to college, you write, & you drive all over! (she had a great fear of driving, although she white knuckled it for years). They built me up, adored me, spoiled me, and most of all they believed in ME.  Somedays, when I am driving, I meditate and memories and flashbacks come to me. Gone are the days I could escape and fly over to their house and sit and drink coffee and talk about really deep, important stuff. I respected their opinions, I felt protected and cherished. My safe haven, it centered me. Now, it will soon be 4 years since my mom died, I am forced to make big decisions all on my own. My journey is long. I spent years grieving my father. It cut me deeply, it still does I suppose. When my mom died suddenly, I was forced to deal with family estate issues. It tore us apart, it changed everything I knew. Now I realize, it will never be the same. It severed relationships, and took its toll on all of us.  I constantly see a vast hole in the middle of our family. They appear “missing” and my siblings are separated and our relationships changed and most of all, my relationship with my sister is non existent. I think about her all the time. I am ashamed to admit this, but I can’t get past what she became over the years, someone I couldn’t trust. I trusted her with my life. The pain is still there. I have never even gotten an apology. I don’t think the apology would heal us. Again, I am torn and ripped apart with emotion and sadness. I have not changed, I took care of my mother for 7 years in my home, my priorities are different, perhaps they always were. I am grateful they raised me to be strong and loving. Forgiveness is not something my parents did easily. I am trying to be better than that.  I focus on being a better mom, wife, co worker, friend. I don’t compare myself to others, I simply am blessed to have all that I have and love. Keeping it simple, knowing full well, the grass is NOT greener on the other side…although sometimes it does look pretty damn green & plush. I am no fool. I want to live and show my children how to live “real”, mostly to be true to yourself first, be kind, be a giver, to enjoy the very simple things and be healthy .I preach constantly that no amount of money will ever bring you the happiness that dwells inside you. I hope they listen and hear me. I will always support them, and encourage them to be independent and to strive to be more…not have more.  I just quoted my father again, perhaps he still dwells and lives within me. If only I could sit and have a cup of coffee and shoot the breeze with him today…If only.  ~love & peace  leelee

A sweet surprise for ~leelee~!!!!

Hello World! It’s me, yes really! It’s ME! I’ve drifted and neglected my beloved blog, sometimes LIFE just gets too busy and hectic and the summer sucks you into its bliss and your priorities change and your job is demanding and you have many commitments that you know you must show up for, well these are all truly lame excuses. Let me just sit and relax for 2 minutes! My youngest child is so creative. She has a knack for all sorts of crafty things and projects and one of her talents is web designing. She’s pretty good at it and she has a wonderful DIY website of her own. She was preaching for months and months, how my blog needed a lift and I so needed my own “domain”. With a new job, a new apartment, a new boyfriend, freelance work, etc. She doesn’t have a lot of downtime to fix mama’s blog page! I get it, I never pushed her or nagged her. We celebrated my Birthday yesterday, with a lovely dinner and cake and presents and this was her big present to me. A newly designed blog and web page with my very own domain. I cried a bucket of tears, she is so thoughtful and always finds the perfect way to show me.  I miss my blog, my sanctuary, my readers. Writing is therapy, its cleansing and sometimes the memories are so very vivid, I often write while tears flow down my cheeks. For me, since I was a kid, its been my passion. Lately, I have pushed it to the wayside. I always say to myself…SELF! When you have something to say, to share, to pen, you will write again. So here I am, with a few minutes to spare before I leave for work.  The summer is flying by. I blink and I turn the calendar ahead another month!  We made our yearly July 4th reunion in New Hampshire. Loads of fun and sun (and HOT!). It was really nice to get away for a few days, I didn’t even BLOG when I was away. I just enjoyed the days and nights on the lake. The fireworks! The bbq! Dancing and singing and surrounded by people who love each other passionately. They enjoy each other AND they’re all related to one another. Good times for all!  In a quick recap, the gardens are flourishing, my kids are healthy and busy, my husband is good and helpful. I love seeing my great Neices growing and swimming and beaching and making memories and laughing. My neice Amanda will marry in October, she is the first of all of our children to marry, exciting! I am in the middle of making some big changes in my life..more to come of that soon I hope. Overall, God is good and he watches over my family and I pray each day and thank Jesus for his love & devotion. I promise to come back, to continue on my journey here. I always have a “story” and I love sharing them with you! Stay well and remember to catch every sunset you can. Love & Peace ~ leelee