Good Morning, this Thanksgiving morning. I am solemn, reflective, quiet and aware. I was surfing the net and reading various articles. I read that even though my heart and soul are grieving today for my brother Thomas. I should dig deeper for a moment. It suggests to try to find one thing I can be grateful or thankful for. I allowed myself a moment to acknowledge his absence at his table this year. First one. Mourning him, it’s natural to feel sad and miss him. He carved a turkey like a surgeon. It was quite serious and methodical. The first bird he carved, he said that he had watched Bobby Flay on Food Network and he was going to replicate that technique. What seemed to be close to an hour later, his wife and I wondered if he could just speed up! Good times. Family. When it all becomes a memory, you feel it twice as deep. So I will venture over to his home and have dinner with his wife and his kids. A small gathering, simple, easy. The only thing missing, will be him. Always him. He took the wind out of my sail. He took the moment of safety and warmth and center, the essence of our family, his extended family instantly traumatized, severed, Just like him. It severed our bonds of unity. He took his soul and his life, himself. You never get over such a thing, ever. You stay. You swallow it. You endure the aftermath. You pray like you never had before. Everyday for forgiveness, acceptance. The hardest work you will ever do. Emotionally, traumatic loss is completely exhausting. On all levels, you go through a complete transformation. Mind, body & spirit are tested beyond your conception. The journey of acceptance of a violent traumatic death is paralyzing. The healing process is slow and steep. You have a range of deep grief that is suffocating and scary. It won’t last forever. I told myself that in my head. I leaned into it. My body of armor was his love, his kindness and compassion and devotion to everyone he loved. His commitment and self driven, aggressive, no nonsense man Thomas was. I leaned on him for strength. You honor his memory and live as though he is watching. You pour yourself into support groups, you talk about it to someone. You sleep a lot. You walk and breathe fresh air a lot. You eat clean and healthy. You Love yourself harder, richer, with fever. Each day, you see a tiny bit clearer. The whole in your chest is smaller, lighter. You become able to read something and retain it. You show up early again. You can focus on a tv show, or someone else’s conversation. The memory returns. The brain heals, slowly. You can feel it. I meditate and write volumes of journals, thoughts, love, memories, frustrations, fears. I write it all. I share a tiny bit of me with you. I snuck away to every beach I love. It healed me. I made peace with God, with my family, with Tom. You remember the 7th of each month, sadly. You educate yourself about suicide. You become a crusader to prevent or help save another lost soul. You make a connection with someone who “gets it”. You plant flowers and remember his love of landscape and gardening. I sometimes visit him on sunny days. You tend his garden and water your new life. The one that started the day he left us. You listen to the voice inside you. One cries in anguish over his pain and suffering. One whispers in his melodic, soft tone. Lisa, I love you, live in peace. Love life like I did. Find what you love the most and do it often. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Focus on loving yourself & taking care of yourself. You must be your best. The rest will take care of itself. I hear him tell me. I was sick, I felt I had no other solution. I did not want to die, I just wanted to stop the pain and find peace. He left, saying to everyone, I love you Always. I believe that, and above all, feel exactly the same for him. That is what I take with me everyday. That is how I survive and honor him. I often envision him with my entire family. Close to my parents and Grandparents. It gives me a moment of peace, clarity in this fucked up, life changing year. Oh….sorry off on a leelee tangent. Here comes What I Am Thankful For….
Michael & Danielle – The depth of my love and devotion is beyond the moon & stars, as deep as the ocean can be. You both are part of my soul. I am eternally thankful and blessed to have 2 beautiful, healthy, loving mini me’s. I dreamed of you. I remember, I was about 5, playing house. I said I wanted 6 kids. Like the Brady Bunch! We only had 5, and I wanted an even number. All I truly ever wanted was YOU. I am acutely aware of how fragile & precious each day is. Our family, all of us, have endured the most difficult and painful, trying, scary year of our lives. A mother worries, it maybe futile or foolish to some. For me, it is impossible to not want to fix, mend, heal all your troubles, struggles. I forever will be your Mama. It is the only thing that I want to be proud of. I am more than touched by your love. You have helped Mommy heal in many ways this year. I am proud both of you are trying to be good, kind, loving people. Your happiness and well being is my deepest prayer and hope. I am dedicated to you. Your goals and dreams. They encompass my heart. You two are the constant light and hope that makes me love life. I always ask that you be honest, open and compassionate to each other. I love how you take care of me and make me feel special, all the time. I see your hearts, by the little things you do for me and with me. My heart overflows with thankfulness, because of my two blessings. <3 love you always xxx mamabear
woohoo! 100 posts. I think it’s some sort of accomplishment? I mean, I didn’t flake out, or stop abruptly and fall off the face of bloggyland! I stood. I climbed, crawled to keep my moments flowing. I learned a few things along the way. When you finally make it to the top of the hill, soak it in for a moment. Record that. Photograph it, pray, smile and be thankful. Be in the moment for as long as you can or wish too. The climb down is a piece of cake, really. Stay on course, it’s worth it <3