I was reading a serenity quote this morning. Lord, you know how much I crave to be in that space, that place of knowing and accepting. Peace! Will I ever truly be there again? So… It’s been awhile since I last posted. I was absorbed and consumed with many court appearances and hopeful to be reuniting with my Granddaughter. Two 1/2 years ago, she and her Mother, disappeared. She managed to go to court to encourage my son to give up his parental rights. She, obviously had another agenda. Sadly, she wishes to erase that part of her life. She thinks she can shield her daughter from us. She certainly tried to persuade my son. The son I lost to an overdose 7 months ago. One of my saddest, painful memories of my son, is him coming home from court. He appeared so defeated. So down, depressed about that day…it still haunts me. I remember speaking to him that evening. The weight of the world and all his problems were suffocating him, consuming him, he was so sad. I told him that night. You do not have to relinquish anything. It is never too late to become a Dad. Even if it takes you years to get there, it would and will be worth it. Children only know love and they are innocent. She will want to know you. He said he was tired and didn’t want to talk anymore and he went to bed. My beautiful, 31 year old son, relapsed 4 weeks later, and he died. He silently suffered for over 2 years with addiction. I watched him suffering. I watched him slowly descend and become overwhelmed with addiction and the inability to deal or recover. It is heartbreaking watching someone fall apart. It is painful to not be able to stop them. Saving him, was our job. Every time he relapsed/failed, so did I. So… After 6 long months of petitioning for visits in family court, we were awarded a visitation. That never happened. In fact, she decided to stop contact and disappear again.
Tomorrow, I return to court. She violated the court order. Here we go again. I often wonder how am I doing this? Where do I get the strength, the patience, the ability to keep fighting? I choose to believe that I am being guided and protected. God, is carrying me, my son is guiding me. I often pray and ask for guidance. I cry and tell him. I am doing what you could not. I just want to love and spoil your baby girl. She deserves to know and feel that from our family.
So, the quote today; Respond with Serenity says:
When you’re confronted with turmoil,
respond with Serenity, it will lift you to a Higher level of
experience and accomplishment….
I sure hope so. After losing a child, you immediately are forced to become a pro at letting go of so much. Disappointment, forgiveness, acceptance. Each one is painful, difficult and I have disconnected myself from so many people, & many loved ones. Honestly, I truly thought they would be there, They would be compassionate and be helpful, They would be there for ME. I needed so desperately to lean on them and grieve. I was so very wrong. I automatically expected them to show up and to not let me go. To understand and hold me, listen to me, talk about him & support me and my husband and my daughter. They would reassure me…I just needed all them to love me through this. This has been the most painful realization to date. The reality is, they distanced themselves. They stopped calling, reaching out. They disappeared, vanished and they shut down on me. I analyze or rather rationalize their lack of compassion. They are unable to confront or speak about death. The most painful, heartbreaking reality is, they do not say his name or speak of my son. Ever. I am internally, deeply, offended by that. My new reality is perhaps too painful for them to be supportive. They have no idea how much pain and sorrow they have created inside me. I am forced to feel alone and isolated. My trusted inner circle has shrunk. It’s very small now. I will not let them consume me, that in itself is a daily struggle. People often say; I Can’t Even Imagine! No, you can’t, I certainly get that. So, I found new friends and support groups who “get me”. This is how I am surviving…finding support and therapy and compassionate women who love me and understand loss and death. This is a crucial and an important step to my survival and existence now. I have also found a blessing in this. I can be compassionate, understanding, comforting to others who are suffering. I can say, I’m so sorry you lost someone, and mean it. I can hug a stranger and listen to them. I can offer to help them, cook for them, anything to help them make it through another day. No one tells you to learn to self soothe yourself when your child dies. It’s a harsh lesson for me. Some days, I am so heartbroken, I can hardly focus on much else. My job keeps me very distracted and busy, #grateful. I spend a lot of time reading, writing, volunteering… it helps.
So, a little prayer, if you care too, for tomorrow, I again appear before the court. Begging, remaining silent, and hopeful something good will come of all this drama and turmoil. I keep my eye on the prize. My Anna Lisa.
<3 Nana loves you and I continue to fight for you, for my son, for our family.