TGIF..and all that good good stuff. I have been thinking about sharing my thoughts, penning my woes. I have a crazy busy schedule, & much of this, is totally on purpose. Busy hands my Nanny would say make the mind quiet…
I just booked a weekend getaway, to one of our private islands here on Long Island. I can describe it as a secret gem. It is in the middle of the Great South Bay and the Atlantic…how much better can that even get??? really?!! These islands forbid any vehicles or motorbikes. They are remote enough, accessed by large Ferries, perk* the local town delivers anything you want via Ferry boat. Oh, and its super pricey. The fancy oceanfront house in peek season runs between 5-10K per week. Yeah, its that nice and secluded. When I think of Fire Island, (off season!) I think of total nature & serenity and quiet. Wild deer and birds and butteflies. No, I am not making this up. The architecture and design of these dreamy homes are unique and special. All the blocks connect byhandmade walkways. Each home has its own theme and name. Mermaid heaven, or Never Enough, or Tiki palace. So dang adorable, I simply can’t get enough. There are many private islands to explore and all of them are stunning. It is truly a photographer’s dream. So…The locals and the trendy young and rich City folks & foreigners & families pack up and go back to reality and school and life, and we sneak in! Perfect timing for sure.
That is when the Island shines for me…. raw and breathtakingly pretty. This truly is why I will always, love and call it home.
I can watch each sunrise and sunset. I can sit and reflect. Write, read, lounge, sip, grill and Nap! I require very little. I appreciate every little thing nowadays…I can smell the ocean and feel the sun already. Blinks 3 times.. whew, ok, back to reality Leelee. Just breathe.
I feel grateful for these getaways. I have acknowledged that travelling has helped tremendously with managing my grief. A new city to explore. No work demands. No social media or drama. I can absorb myself with gardens and flowers. Hiking and a new beach or gallery. Sampling amazing seafood and listening to soothing music. For a moment, I am amongst the living again and I feel free. I often describe grief like the ocean and the waves and tides. I accept, that every day, I shall grieve privately and I may feel sad for awhile. I am told, that is completely normal. It is safe to say, I have changed, and I don’t always feel “normal”, I just feel different.
I have been gentle with my heart. I have reached out for support. He led me to find beautiful Mommies that suffered the very same loss. I have found Reiki and Meditating and Yoga and journaling and profound books about healing, loss of a child, addiction and faith and God. This has saved me and become my mantra. I stare at his face, everyday. Yes, it makes me cry. Yes, it is hard and I feel so lost without him near us. He is physically beautiful to stare at <3…So, I am coping. I am honoring him and here's the thing; I have loved him every single minute, deeply connected to his heart. I am consumed with 31 years of Mikey and of all the memories and sadly, some recent flashbacks that are heart wrenching to relive. I share some of them sometimes with those that can bear my loss and pain. I learned that he is always & forever in my heart. That is where he stays. That is forever where your children remain. The reality of his loss, weighs heavy in my body, my soul, my eyes. Heart broken would be a good description of my insides. I say this often. I am trying my very best, just for today. I lean in and hold tight. I sleep hard now. He is in my dreams sometimes. I weep for him everyday..and talk to him in private. I am doing my very best today…. I am a survivor. Grief is a long journey, so I do not rush. I sit. I listen and wait for a sign or a lesson.
I guess what I am trying to say is, I am here. I am alive and I am surviving & trying to find my new place, here, on this earth, without him, for now.
Love & Peace