Good Morning from hotass NY! Yep, a real heatwave here on beautiful long island. We didn’t have much of a spring, so BAM here it is. I look at my flower gardens and know they are truly my happy place. Like my kitty cat, Lila, they don’t require very much at all. Just love. I am desperate to remember this…Love is all you need. I have wanted to reach out and touch base…it’s been a minute. I’ve been wanting to share and catch up for awhile… I know it’s important to share my journey, my process, my heart…the slow transformation. For the last year and a half, I gently and bravely dealt with the loss of my son Mikey to an overdose. There are still days when I awake and think Did this really happen? I suppose a part of me will always feel the trauma and shock. I suppose a part of me will never truly understand how swiftly he left this world. I also know that he will be forever in my heart and mind. I sometimes think I will see him again someday, let’s put it this way, I hope and pray I do.
Grief is a tedious and painful process. Some, choose or rather are raised not to focus on grief or the pain of losing someone you love dearly. I found support groups and friends that understand and grieve with you. I found unconditional love and understanding. I volunteer and reach out to others who have suffered the very same loss. It helps, it heals, it sustains us. We are a grateful, loving bunch of mommies. It’s ok to say his name, to speak of your struggles and grief. I believe it has allowed me to survive this nightmare and tragedy and hold it all together. Notice, I did not say, hold it all in. My experience with suicide and overdose has shown me so much. Most people can’t articulate or offer comfort. In my world, most don’t speak at all about him. They, the silent ones, have no clue just how painful that is for me. I’ve come to terms with a lot. Not acknowledging my son is perhaps one of the most surprising and painful experiences for sure. When my tears come, I see the terror in their faces. I see them avoid me…I want to scream! Don’t be scared, the worst has already happened. Nothing, no one can ever replace my beautiful boy. His daughter, now 3, is my joy and heart. She is a sweet little girl and I am grateful for every second I spend with her. When I look at her, I see a glimpse of him. I sometimes cry when she leaves, grieving that he is not with us, with her. I fought for her, and I don’t regret one second of that process. Her mother has even softened and perhaps can see the benefit in us loving her. She smiles the entire visit and blows me kisses and touches her tender heart and whispers…I love you. I’ve often think to myself…this little child doesn’t even know how much she has healed our broken hearts. She truly has. Our precious little Anna Lisa, Nana loves you to the moon and back.
So my title today ~Collect Beautiful Moments~ it’s true. I had to learn how to do that again. Slowly, I am learning again, without my son, to collect them again. When I was a young and began writing, I remember I wrote this in a journal. ~ Life is made up of a string of little hearts, over time, memories are all strung together, to create One beautiful life.~ When I saw that quote in a wedding store (more on that!) I immediately was drawn to it. Then, I remembered…ahhhhh, this is what I wrote 30+ years ago. I purchased the little framed quote and it meant so much to me. My bride to be was Not so convinced! In fact, she insisted it did not “match” her theme or color scheme! lol. Ahhhh, I have learned to pick my battles, therefore, I let it go. I proudly display that quote in my kitchen now and look at it everyday. I am now allowing myself to live in the moment again and truly feel the joy. I am so thankful that I can now share that here, again.
Speaking of weddings! My daughter is engaged and getting Married! She met a kind & loving gentleman and will wed next year. I see and feel her total happiness. We all want our children to be healthy and find love. She is head over heels and so are we! I will admit here that I was terrified that I would not be able to feel true joy. I was so scared that my grief would prevent me from feeling. I was wrong. Just watching her, planning and shopping and picking her wedding gown, flowers, caterer, bonding over every little detail has brought me enormous joy and excitement. She, my beautiful child, has been a constant support and strength for me. I am so very proud of everything she has become. I know now, the best is yet to come for her. So, we continue to collect beautiful moments, as I have learned time and time again, that is really all we have today.
Peace & Love