Birthday in heaven

I awoke this morning, like I do everyday, before dawn, I’m getting used to this. It’s my time I guess, my moments with him. It happens everyday, like clockwork. I get up and glance at the clock, hoping it is after 4am? I scuffle into the bathroom and I talk to him. Everyday, the same feeling. I need to connect to him. Feel him near me. I speak to him in whispers and my love pours through my veins. The tears they flow, my heart, shattered in pieces and I am aware of the enormous burden and pain, the grieving, the shock and reality. I awake today and say Happy Birthday Thomas. Today, my brother would be 56. He died 2 weeks ago. We won’t celebrate. I am consumed by loss. I am trying to be gentle, easy on my soul. None of this is easy. It never is. Acceptance isn’t easy. Hell, we all struggle with letting go, letting it be, accepting what “is” our entire lives. Death teaches you finality, and in the same moment, it teaches you how precious each moment is, “for we only have today, for none of us know what tomorrow brings”….The only glimmer of hope is I know, in time, the pain softens. In time, the memories take over again, and your mind allows you to forget the horror and reality of losing your loved one. The process is all too familiar, but it still sucks. Every second of it does. My role…as the big sister, And…the middle child,  is to make sure everyone is “ok”. Whatever ok means at this stage it’s kind of strange.  I reach out and offer my services! I cook. Italian women do that. They all seem to enjoy the home cooking and I want to comfort and console and nourish them.  The kids haven’t reached out. They post a picture here and there. His wife is slowly dealing with the aftermath.  I went grocery shopping and dropped off dinner and groceries at his house. His wife didn’t mention his birthday. She did mention, she thought it would be her first night alone in their home. My heart broke. She is so scared and lost. She is trying to be strong and hold on for everyone.  I honestly can’t imagine her grief and worry. It’s just 2 weeks. She is overwhelmed, who wouldn’t be? Please continue to pray for our family. My faith is helping me cope and hold on.  I miss him every moment.

The first real snowfall on the island this morning. it looks so pure and white and still.  I am grateful that I have no agenda or schedule to deal with today. I will try and pray, read scripture, and honor him in my heart and allow myself to grieve him and miss him. I will reach out to his children again, and just let them know I am here, thinking and grieving with them.  I feel like I keep dwelling in thoughts.  I feel like I need to piece together a story, a beginning, a middle and an end. I get angry at myself, and remind myself that in the one moment my brother decided to die, does not define him.  It does not control us or him. It does not dictate who he was or what had become of him. His decision, I believe, is something no one will ever ever grasp or understand. It boggles my mind and thoughts. I pray eventually it will just be . Acceptance takes time, so does healing and forgiveness. This is not easy or quick, but the reality sucks.

These last two posts have been very difficult.  Secretly, you pray you aren’t the blogger, it’s not your story. Sadly, it is. I am dealing, one day at a time. I am sharing my pain, dumping it in my “secret” blog.  I am still not up to sharing pictures and smiles and I can hardly bare listening to music. Today, I listened to spiritual songs I love.   I started with Carrie Underwood, her live rendition of How Great Thou Are”, my favorite.  I finished with Josh Groban, “You’re still here”. The only dedication I care to share with my brother Thomas today. J’taime Thomas Joseph.