Rainy days, storms, all will pass

I awoke with a song in my head, a beautiful melody, a calming sound. This occasionally happens to me. Not often, but often enough to write about it.  It was one of my personal mentors, favorite artist. Ever. Sara  McLachlan.  Angel.  I hear her softly sing to me:

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay

There’s always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard, at the end of the day

I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins

And maybe empty
Oh, and weightless, and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight…

In the arms, of the angels……

I thanked my brother, I felt his energy around me & perhaps it was a strong sign, for me, some sort of an affirmation, a glimpse of clarity, understanding of his state of mind. Perhaps, heaven was weeping with all of us, mourning the mass murder of 10 people at a college in Oregon. I am not sure, the path our world, our beautiful “United States”, our complex society, social media driven generation, the amount of human suffering, war, hate, crimes of hate, that lead to these mass murders. In my heart, it is a devastating reality. Our loss of humanity, from basic rules, loss of faith, God, trust, brotherhood and fellowship, family. I remember, Bill Clinton spoke at a rally once. He stated,  the All American family, no longer exists. How true, Mr. Clinton, that statement was your only truth.  All of us, we all feel it slipping away. Stunned, disheartened, discouraged. Lost and powerless.  We do not feel united. In our nation’s grief, our mourning for the victims, we feel united, yet we do not have the power to change it, to stop the killer, murderer, to heal the mentally sick. We feel powerless and frail. Fear. We are all starting to thrive in a fearful society. Tuned out, disconnected, disassociated and honestly,  we all are part of it. We dwell amongst it all, Sadly, not all of us will escape, unscathed, spared of the horror of twisted, psychotic young men who have begun to do mass random murders for their psychotic “cause”. Many families are making funeral arrangements today for their child. They rage over “nothing”, they are not famous, or particularly special or important. They are just sick, mentally sick.  It could be a simple stupid political stance, racism, radical religious beliefs,  sexism, all are a form of hate. Hate crimes and certainly self hatred. It is anger, psychotic rage, entitlement, defiance. This psychotic behavior, has become the “normal” in the USA, how very tragic, scarred, and fearful we have now become. These repeated murders, is truly the nightmare every parent thinks about. Our children go away for the first time. We pray every day they are safe, and not harmed, hurt. Who could even process their child senselessly fall victim to a deranged murderer.  It is the subtle snap of one sick mentally ill person. There is a mission, in the murderer’s mind. He has a plan, a goal of killing other human beings. Ironically, 9 times out of 10, they kill themselves, self murder as the finality. It’s overwhelmingly sad and clinically, totally, insane. The most frightening truth?  It is happening steadily. My heart is heavy, burdened with trying once again, to make sense out of a no sense.  A violent, sudden act. I, have struggled personally with this for 9 months myself. Suicide is a jumbled, violent, impulsive, traumatic death, the most confusing death by far. It has taken it’s toll on me and my family, we are slowly healing, daily grieving, it is very painful and deep. So, for the last 10 years, these young men committing a senseless, spontaneous, attack, violent, shredding our guts, creating trauma and death in moments. I sit and grieve the new murderer’s of the USA. These young, sick men, are gunning down classrooms of students and teachers, in theatres and in places of worship. The world is crumbling, slowly becoming subhuman and numb. We watch and it all unravel on social media, local news, CNN, Obama stepped out and spoke. Continually it tragically has become a frequent occurrence? Society watches from our cozy living rooms. I go to my office and the detached, numb, co workers who sit around me, are texting. (surprising, no, not at all). They do not talk about it.  They all have children too? We do not pray together, or speak of the victims, the horrific loss our nation is suffering. Societal detachment, numbness.  I once predicted the world would fade into a tiny 4″ screen, allowing our kids to check out, tune out. Isolate and ignore.  The media hounds in and scurries for the “story”, the MO of the shooter.  They piece together a story about, this sick, young, impulsive psychotic kid.  Society today. The next generation of radicals, bi polars ,over medicated, under medicated, hidden, isolated. They can be diagnosed as  schizophrenic, gun obsessed 20 year olds. 6 school college/movie/church mass murderings.  Just off the top of my head. I remember the first mass murder,  Columbine.  My daughter did her  college essay about it. Brilliantly written from a mere young woman. I believe she was deeply affected while she researched her thesis. I saved her college essay. I never dreamed it would be the first of many mass killings. So, I pray to God, light a candle and ask when and HOW will this all stop? Who, besides God can change the mind of sick, lost soul? Who can begin to save, and renew our nation?  And now, 10 dead, and the swat team, killed the shooter/murdered, this time.  He won’t be honored. He won’t be eulogized, he will leave behind his scars, his rage, hate, sins with the family who loved him and raised him. They will mourn the child they once knew. Not the beast, sick, deranged murderer he became.  As I write this, I re read my words. I sense my underlying anger, my own private rage, my heart hurting for all who perished and all I can think to do is pray.  Perhaps, if all of us, begin to pray, our world will slowly begin to heal.  Love, ~leelee