It just keeps coming….
Good Morning. It is a peaceful morning. The month of May on Long Island is equivalent too why people travel all over the world to find the perfect cool, breezy beach weather. Most of May has been mild. No extreme heat or humidity. A pre menopausal delight, I might add. Although, May is coming to a close, June is also spectacular too. I need a long walk on the beach. I need to focus on the “current” crisis. I wasn’t kidding when I said our new family motto is “It just keeps Coming”. Each day, I have been praying, all day, everyday. I pray for clarity, strength and the ability to be clear and focus on my family. The anxiety has returned, along with moments of despair and sadness. I’m used to it right? I was even allowing myself to recognize, that I was feeling better. My grief was lifting. I was functioning and feeling more like leelee. I felt more grounded to the earth and I felt I was gaining a lot of inner peace and acceptance. I am. Along the journey, I forgot about the roadblocks. I forgot about other’s falling apart around me. I forgot about how so many loved ones had buried their grief. They managed to push it way down deep and suffer silently. I forgot that others did not or wouldn’t seek help or support. I didn’t want to think what would happen because of their decisions. I just keep praying to God. I ask daily for him to protect and guide my loved ones. I tell him of my constant worry and stress and how it has taken it’s toll on everyone I love. I surrounded myself with outside support. I had too. I learned quickly, instantly, that death from a suicide leaves people silent and unable to comfort or find the words to comfort us. Some of my loved ones were battling their own addictions and medicating their grief and sadness. I knew it would only make it harder, numbing the pain can actually be more painful. I also knew, I could not stop them. They have to want to heal themselves, more than I.
My battle internally is exhausting. I just pray to God. I ask for him to give me the ability to remain supportive and loving. I ask him to guide me, show me what to do. I cry and tell him I am afraid of losing another person that I love. Suicide leaves the survivor of that loss with a heightened sense of fear and worry. I recognize this as somewhat normal. When one experiences a tragic, violent death, those feelings, fears linger. I work through them daily. I remind myself to stay connected, tell each person how much I love them and care about them. I always, and will always remind my family, especially, my children, that no matter what, I will always be here, for you, for US, for our family, because I love them more than anyone or anything in this entire universe. I hope they hear that and most of all, trust in that.
Now, I am facing another crisis. One I never thought would enter my world. How stupid of me, naïve perhaps? To think I was immune? Lucky? whatever. I thanked God, everyday for my healthy children. I felt so blessed, grateful they were “ok”. I thought that addiction would never touch my child, or my family? They would and could rise above it and not become a statistic. I believed they were strong enough to not become addicted. Both of my children are in their 20’s. Neither showed any signs of substance abuse or dependency. We often talked about the other kids, their battles. It never dawned on me. I was living with a drug addict. Here I am. A mother of a drug addict. Struggling, desperate to find help and recovery for him. Devastated and scared shitless. Acutely aware of his secret and his secret life. I am ready to battle for him, I am scared. Mostly, I am consumed with getting him into treatment. He is too ashamed, afraid to admit it to me. The battle has begun. I am focused, determined and as I told my son recently. No one, not one person in this entire world will love, protect, help and lay their own life down for you. But I will. I just pray he remembers that. I am his mother. I have no choice. The moment I held him, 29 years ago, I knew that moment, I would love and protect him forever. That is what we do. That is all I know. The love for your child has no boundaries. It consumes you and it becomes part of you. My beautiful, sparkling blue eyed baby boy is in trouble. Please pray for him, for our family and for his recovery. God is with me, guiding me. He will never leave me, he knows I can handle this and will continue to comfort me and give me strength. All I need to remember is to ask and hand this over to God. He will listen, and he will deliver. I am trying. I am reaching out to anyone who can help and heal him. I wish you all a beautiful day. ~ leelee