living without you here
First and foremost, I survived the dreaded, highly anticipated, first Mother’s day without you here. You gave me your sign the day before, a tiny set of angel wings I had lost while gardening last year. They just appeared in the corner of the yard while I was planting bulbs for you. So, maybe, my meditations, maybe, those little signs of you around us will keep me breathing and moving. You see, my Mikey, I try so very hard to stay present, to be in the moment, and not break down and surrender. I will admit, I bolted upright yesterday, a huge sob, choking me in my sleep. Perhaps, I dreamed of you…perhaps, the reality slaps me hard and I am forced to accept you gone from here. Somehow, I sucked it up, or pushed it down…and I got up and went into a hot shower. I knew your sister was coming to take me away for the day. She planned an extra special High Tea and lunch, followed by a hike in the beautiful woods of Avalon Park in Stonybrook. She insisted we go to the vineyard up the hill and have a glass of wine. I don’t say it often enough, that kid saves me, over and over again. She just knows, she feels and reads my heart, not many people take the time to do that. Honestly, my daughter, God bless her strength and her compassion and her love for me. Her wisdom is beyond her years. Perhaps, she inherited our female,family intuition. Perhaps, I’ve done a good job raising a beautiful, caring woman. She gently carries me through my grief and my heartache, filling our days with laughter and beautiful gifts and long walks. We kid each other about that hashtag – #Blessed, but, I know, without a doubt it’s true. I knew from the second I found out I was having her, I would be truly #blessed. So, she whisked me away from my private hell. The tea house was like a fairytale. It was something I would dream about, and there we were. Enjoying the “moment”. I glanced around this quaint restaurant and saw beautiful women, strong women, with their Mom’s, friends, sisters. I thanked her 100 times, it was THAT special. The sun was shining and we laughed how the weather forecasters predicted a horrible rainy weekend. She fed her ducks and geese and birds and talked to all of them, telling them, they were her friends. She loves nature, just like me. She and I hiked up the trails and chatted about her new love, her plans, and oddly, with her by my side, I feel the stress and anxiety subside. The heartache is there…but with her next to me, I can still smile and giggle and joke. She is showing me, teaching me, helping me to go on, to heal, to accept. I am very proud when I look at her beautiful sparkling blue eyes, that she also is grieving, and accepting, and trying to build and adjust to our new life. we just do it one day at a time.
We visited the Vineyard, and enjoyed a glass of wine, and took a walk to the harbor. Snapping pics, and drinking in the beautiful sunshine. It was magical, it was soothing and peaceful. She is all of those things to me. I’m fascinated by the fact that as we spent this near perfect day together. We both stopped and offered to take family photos of people we met along the way. I stared at their beautiful children. I stared at the beautiful couples and told them what a beautiful family they had. We were glad to capture a moment for all of them. Yes, I privately grieved mine..but I kept reminding myself, I had 31 years of Mother’s day with Michael…never, will they be enough, but, I had them and we were never apart. Secretly, I will wish for 31 more, but, I also stare at the two Hydrangea plants he gave me and think about my beautiful son. I can still hear him ask me. Mama Bear! What do you want for Mother’s day??..and I would say..flowers, plants! But! Don’t spend a lot of money. My Mikey, he bought me many flowers, many Mother’s day gifts and cards, his heart and love is such a beautiful part of him. I missed him every second, as I do everyday…and I suppose I will for the rest of my days. I went to church in the morning, trying to pray and find my peace. I sat in the pew and heard the pastor recite the people we pray for. On that list again, was Anna Lisa…..soon, we will find out if they are answered.
Love & Light to all the Mommies in the world