reuniting, and learning to Live again

Hello on this cloudy Monday morning.  The weekend was a whirlwind of activities, entertaining and having a moment, a few leelee moments thrown in for good measure.  Recently, I reunited with my sister. We had been separated, not talking, for almost 5 years.  It was a long hiatus, nothing that I was ever used to doing or becoming.  Over those “lost” years, my sister suffered with great depression and developed a drinking problem. I say “problem”, because she had never had a dependency. Least of all, alcohol and never drugs. Addiction is a cunning, insidious thing. The drug or the demon appears out of nowhere. It is sneaky, quiet at first. Easy to hide, step around and deny. I guess 5 years later, when you wake up one day and realize….A) I don’t remember a thing over the last 12 hours. B) I fell drunk down a staircase, or,  C) I can’t stop on my own. I guess it is fair to say, you have a drinking problem.  In recovery, you learn quickly, the drug, the drink was only a temporary solution.  I’m pretty certain, that long before you became an addict, or a drunk, those problems existed. Denial is the first demon you cross in addiction. I can stop or I don’t have a problem is a typical response from an addict or alcoholic. That reality is too painful for someone that is mentally depleted and depressed.  Admitting and expressing your feelings is HARD. Gut wrenching painful and to an addict, scary and impossible. All those feelings are ignored or pushed down or buried deep inside, & they linger, & they become more overwhelming. The sick part of addiction, is you just keep medicating it. You become dependent, unable to stop, to get help, to admit, you become a depressed shell of who you were. The courage and the balls to admit you have a problem, I believe is 50% of the inner battle. Once you say that out loud , admit you are really fucked up and in pain! Once you seek help, there is a good chance, you will get better. If you want too. If your true desire is to be clean.  A tough, long journey. Hell yes. A worthwhile one? absolutely. So for the last 6 years, I prayed everyday for my sister. Our family became distant and guarded. She remained alone, with little support, in another state. I didn’t want a relationship. I spoke to her a few times and she was not the brown eyed tom boy I remember. She was quite insane, manic and very stressed and hateful.  I tried for years to have a healthy relationship. An honest relationship. She became more angry, bitter and overwhelmed.  Our trust was shattered and my mother’s secrets and her depleted estate and money issues tore us apart.  It cut me deep. Unfortunately, those secrets, deceit,  separated us from her, she was all alone and hurting.  I would get updates every so often of her depression, her financial collapse and how she was not handling it very well.  My brother’s told me she drank. My brother’s told me she was a broken soul. I grieved and prayed she would find the help she needed. Today, my sister  celebrates2 weeks sober. I have never seen her so calm. I see hope. I see my little sis coming back to life. Thank you God. She told me everyday this weekend. It’s really amazing to wake up, (clear) and not “come too”.  I rejoiced for her. We spent this weekend together, every second glued to one another. She relaxed, she wasn’t crying or in pain. She feels free.  She asked me for a local AA meeting, she would need to get to a meeting daily. I found them in 2 clicks online. Amazing organization. You work the program. The only requirement:  The desire to stop drinking or drugging. Seeking recovery. The miracle is, it gives you back your “hope”.  It’s the program, the 12 steps that saves millions of lives, one day at a time.  It saved my mother. I see it saving her too. The tricky part is to allow GOD in there…somewhere, somehow, & however you choose to manifest that. That is the secret to recovery and healing.  There is no negotiating that. AA is based on the steps and most importantly finding Your Higher Power.  I heard 3 speakers this weekend. Powerful, raw, honest and all of them in tears. Tears from gratitude! Tears from thankfulness. This program, those people saved their lives. Now they share their story and save another. Powerful, real shit. I was never so proud of her. She didn’t speak, although, she wanted too. She listened. Smart girl. She always was.

Sunday, ahhhh, heavenly day on the island.  Determined to go to the ocean. That’s all she talked about for weeks. I wanna get to our beach. I have to sink my toes in! It’s been too long! I knew she dreamed about it. She missed it. She was like a little kid about a day at the beach! The thing is, she travelled here with her friend. No kids, no husband, she was alone. She could sit in her beach chair and not worry, run, chase or care for anyone but herself. She baked her very pale unexposed skin, soaking up the rays, the breeze, the waves and her serenity. She didn’t need a long walk. She didn’t even hit the shore or dabble her toes in the freezing ocean. She just chilled. She was amazing. We stayed till we were alittle crisp. We enjoyed every moment. Memories of our lives swirling. Memories of my brother, painfully raw for me. We spent a lot of time on the Great South Bay. He loved the ocean. We all do. It’s in our blood. We grew up on this Island, it is our peace and serenity. God’s creation for sure. Massive and powerful. I believe I have done my best self healing on these beaches, for many years, hours of reflection, tears, writing and praying.  The salty sea air is magical. Trust me. We came home and I made her favorite dinner. Lean roast beef with homemade gravy & mashed potatoes. She ate hearty, she looked rested. She looked healthy. Prayer must work! I see the miracle happening before me.  I feel her strength building. Sobriety can be a beautiful thing. I am optimistic, but real. None of this shit is easy, but in my soul, if anyone can achieve it, she can. I had multiple blessings this weekend. I wish I had more time. Hugging her was good. Holding her was comforting. I missed my sister so much, I just never allowed myself to admit it.  I wish my brother’s could have joined us. I grieved a lot this weekend. My beautiful brother Thomas, left us, he chose death as a solution. I will ALWAYS grieve his choice.  An exit, so traumatic. I tremble as I type it. I hit that wall again, full speed. I hear him, I hear God saying. This is where you move forward. This is where you heal from. But?  God? It hurts a lot. It scares me to look ahead. I still feel lost. I still feel like an orphan. I still miss him everyday. He must hear me, for he comforts me. In that comfort I hear this message…. by moving forward, you are healing. It’s no small coincidence, that the message, the mantra if you will for AA is….

One Day At A Time ~  Isn’t today all ANY of us really have? I believe so.  So far, it’s been working for me…and for her. Love & Blessings to all

~ leelee