Sullen Sundays

I seem to awake before the birds lately. No explanation. Perhaps the hacking cougher next to me? Well, I lay there. Still, I try not to fidget and then that mental list, my weekend goals! What? It’s Sunday already? Ok, I’m up. Thanks.  So, I brew my Folgers, and finish the movie I passed out in the middle of last night. Birdman. Hmmmm, no one told me, I mean I asked my husband. Is this about suicide or anything? He comments to me,  Umm, actually, I only saw the beginning. Great. I dove in anyway. Well, thank you Michael Keaton. I had no idea I would become obsessed with Riggen. I mean you were a badass Batman, back in the day. Who knew you had these acting chops? Fucking, brilliant role. The ending is insane, but then it dawned on me. Suicide is totally insane. Well, at 4am, it seems,  I gain this sort of clarity, perspective. The truth is, I am just trying to make sense out of a senseless, violent death. I followed that whole shitshow up with 2 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, and what the hell,  since I’m on a death roll, lets also watch an hour of my Long Island Medium. Brilliant shit. All of it actually. The Grey’s finale was superb. I worship the writer’s, the producers. It’s good shit. They close with Meredith narrating. You can heal from a tragedy. You can be whole and happy again. She goes on to say. The sun will certainly shine again. Ding! Another message, another step in healing my heart. Hearing it multiple times for me is essential. I gain more clarity, more perspective, I get “it”, but I am also making peace with it, it’s healing. A step, a moment. That is what it takes. Don’t rush. Keep it slow, be gentle with your heart, write, read, cry. I do it all. I pray, I plant. Anything that allows my mind to be at peace. So… I’m doing it, Lord, God, you’re guiding me. One day at a time.

 So, of course,  I wrap it all up with a good wholesome cry!  I cry alone, again, as the episode ends. I relate, way too much. I’ve lost so many loved ones. The list is long now. I ponder to myself, should you watch this shit? Is it therapeutic for you? My heart says it is. I’ve noticed since watching Long Island Medium, that the increase of suicide/drug overdoses deaths have doubled/tripled since Theresa Caputo started channeling dead spirits. Not ironic, not in the least. It is society, the silent epidemic, drug overdose and suicides. What a sad state of hopelessness our world has become.  I often wonder if she could channel my family. She has plenty to pick from now. I believe in her ability to read a heart. A grieving heart, sorrow, unresolved guilt, questions and signs. I believe in signs from the other side. I’ve followed all the mediums & psychics since I was a kid. I have always been a believer, in many things. I am totally comforted  to know that our loved ones can peek in and see us living. I’ve had many signs from my loved ones that passed. I choose to believe every one of them. In the years I have followed Theresa,  I have seen her literally clear grief, self torture from a loved ones face. Some spent years, decades carrying around that burden, that grief.  That my friends, is good enough for me. She is a healer, in her own way. She saw her first spirit at 4 years old. Some are blessed in this life to have that gift. Now, me, I’m a mama. I also have been blessed with intuition. I believe I was born with it. My gut has rarely been wrong. So much so, it scares me today. As a mother,  I have many worries and reasons for my conerns & my tears. Your children are part of your soul. If only they could understand how much you pray for them, wish for them, love them forever & beyond. That is the bond you share with  your child.  They are the reason I am who I am. I adored my mother. She was a loving, giving soul.  I miss my mom. So….Mother’s day passed, I didn’t allow myself to go there, I didn’t dwell. I walked the beach and I took notice of life, of families, mothers & daughters and their daughters spending the morning together. Yes, my heart breaks, but I had 47 mothers days with my own mother, each one I loved & I cherish them all. She must be busy with my brother, caring for him. Tom left us so suddenly, I still cry about that a lot. So….I pulled in my driveway and saw her! Yes!,  20 brilliant white blooms of the Lilac bush she bought me. I clipped a few and felt her all over again. I thanked her and smiled inside. She gave me that bush on Mother’s Day. Special ordered it for me. She always made me feel extra special, loved.  I talk to my brother, Tom. My heart misses his presence, his face. I miss Tom everyday. I’m feeling better, sad, but definitely better.

  I ping off ten things I want to accomplish, organize, sort, organize, sort & donate. My secret little hoarder obsession plays in my mind. Ok, listen,  I know why I do it, I don’t care to analyze, I just love to thrift. The hunt is almost like sex. I know, sick right. Another valid reason for obsessive shopping…. I dropped 5 sizes over the last 18 months. I had to stock up on smaller sizes, needless to say, thrifting, consignment shops have saved my credit cards! it’s been very good to me.  Now, I can honestly pick thru 100 racks and find the cutest top or the most adorable sundress, off the rack. WHAT? Who is that chick? It feels amazing. It is a freedom I denied myself for way too long. Feeling the benefits of shedding 100 lbs, it is a new lease, a new body, a new me. Shopping, well, retail therapy? why not! I console my sick little inner hoarder with this. Anything  you do not use, you donate. Pay it forward biotch! I really love to give back. It is the least I can do for anyone less fortunate. Thanks be to God. Enjoy your Sunday, The sun is indeed coming up today! *peace

~leelee