Survival and miracles

Good Morning sweet blogland. I felt strong enough, and compelled and driven to write and share my heart again, here. Not an easy feat, being vulnerable and raw. Penning your innermost secrets, pain, and grief. I continue to do it, knowing it is a very important part of my journey. I continue to write because, that is what makes sense to me. I continue to write, so I look into a future, my future, one I don’t know anything about. You see, when my son died of an overdose last Christmas Eve, my world stopped. I didn’t know if I could ever take a deep breath again. Yet, I was able to sleep soundly. I didn’t know if I would ever feel joy or peace again. I found prayer and peace there. I found other mommies who lost their child too and we hold each other and support each other. I practiced meditation and self care. I reached out and volunteered and found joy in the simple act of giving. I filled a 500 page journal with my deepest grief, anger, fear, sadness, hope. I focused on just today. I reminded myself often, be gentle on yourself, your heart, your broken, wounded heart. I prayed for healing and relief. I cried more and let the tears fall. I quickly realized… as much as this hurts and no matter how scared and afraid I am, I must allow my grief to come. Some say, tears are cleansing. I get that. I don’t think crying is bad. I am surrounded by people who do. I am dealing better with that now. We all grieve our own way. In our own time. I am swallowing some of that theory now. When my Michael first died. I felt like I had 100 pound backpack on. 24/7. My own cross, the weight of his young passing. The overdose from Heroin. I carried it everywhere. The greatest fear is acceptance and the harsh reality of death. They will not return. He is not in rehab or detox or jail or living in a sober home. He died from drugs. There is no bargaining with God anymore. Pleading, threatening, begging, pretending, judging. Death is something we all will face. I never in a million years thought I would face a death of my child. Ever. Afterall, I am his Mama. I am bred to save and protect my children. I suppose, I will struggle the rest of my days with that. Powerlessness. Addiction. A hard pill to swallow, everyday. The demon, addiction, wins. I can’t put into words how devastating that is. I somehow thought, with all the love and rehabilitation, he would “get” it. WE would conquer and win. I was wrong.
So, I am beginning to educate myself. I crusade and involve myself with the staggering, startling and scary reality, The Heroin epidemic. It isn’t only “here” in NY. Sadly, there isn’t a state, a city, that hasn’t been poisoned and possessed with Opiod addiction. My son, quickly became a statistic. He tried 100 times to run from addiction, to chase it away, only to relapse and live in the pain. Some days, I try and imagine his inner pain, the physical need, his desperate attempt to hide it all from us. Today, I am able to remember he did his best. Over and over he completed detox’s and 28 day stays and sober homes and inpatient/outpatient, he tried his best. I think perhaps, I need to work on some forgiveness. I need to study the disease of addiction to fully understand his battle. You see, I have learned this much; it was NOT my battle, although, I felt responsible and determined to beat it, to cure him, to save him. Love, sadly, could not alone save him. I am thankful for the Love, as I believe, our bond is still intact, eternally.
I read his text messages a couple of times. He must have texted I Love You 100 times over a few months. & So did I. As painful as it seems, our Love remained even in his darkest moments. That brings me some comfort. I also learned, that Love remains and strengthens, every single minute, even after he died. Those ties are not broken, ever.
A few days ago, I asked him to stay close to me. His passing on Christmas Eve is difficult for all of us. I did not want to focus on the day he died. I will not judge and base his entire life on the day he overdosed.So, I quietly prayed to Michael. I whispered for him to walk with me through the holiday. I opened my blinds and saw a big Blue Jay sitting above the angel outside. I smiled for a moment. The blue jay flew to the bird bath and splashed for a minute. Hmmm, I thought, maybe that is a sign.
The next day, I opened the blinds and the blue jay was there, in the very same spot again. I’d like to think it was a sign. A deep calm had been with me for days. I again, was grateful for not falling apart.
The next day, his beautiful daughter came over to open gifts. Her big eyes and light hair and soft giggles warming my heart. The miracle, the gift, after all the pain and agony of going to court has ended. The love that radiates within is overwhelming, peaceful, calming and full of joy and beauty for her. Our Anna Lisa…She is precious and soft and innocent. I sat and reflected over and over. Do our loved ones sit above and are able to be with us? Do they all experience this joy and love with us? Did he somehow orchestrate the reunion of his precious daughter with us? Did he soften the mother’s heart enough to let us in? I do not know the answer. I may never know. I do know, someone, somewhere has given us back HOPE and Joy….she may only be a toddler, soon to be 3, but she has a beautiful soul, and she resembles her daddy in so many ways. I feel blessed. Something inside of me feels strongly that he was able to give her back to us. I believe his love transcended us all and we are extremely grateful to love her again.
So, call it a Christmas Miracle…or special gift. She is now a part of us.

Yesterday, we took his ashes to our families cemetery plot. I engraved his name on the stone and placed some of his ashes there with my parents and brother. I whispered to him yesterday. Someone told me you are with Nanny. If that be true my son, then I can rest peacefully, knowing you are by her side in heaven.
Till I see you and hold you again… Merry Christmas Mikey <3

~mamabear

Christmas miracles and countdown continues!

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It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas! Indeed it is, and I am seriously seeking a small useful Elf type person to get me ready! I love this time of year, for the last decade or so, the term Merry was hard to fathom. I mean, I love being with my family, and sharing a good meal and presents, but I was grieving and trying to heal from the devastation of losing both my parents. I’ve said this before….my Mother, was “Christmas” in every sense of the word. She prepared for weeks, her décor was over the top Italian, but we loved it. Our Christmas Eve Fish feast was quite the production too. I now know, what I miss the most, is her. Her in her slippers scuffling up the stairs with platters and trays and over stuffed bowls of her delicious cuisine. She baked for months, all Daddy’s favorites, and her Grandmother’s desserts. All from scratch. She didn’t have a “kitchen aide” for 50 years, she hand mixed her dough. I  remember her making 25 lbs of sweet butter cookies. I swear my siblings & I lived on Butter Cookies for a month! She would start early in the morning and create and prepare till late in the evening. She did it for US, she did it for tradition, purely out of love.  Her happiness was to only see us smile, and love each other and most of all that we ALL be together. That is what I miss, and continue to deal with each year.  The miracle in all of it is, my children remember every moment of our Christmas Eve’s and desperately want to keep the traditions and family together. They miss their Grandparents, and we all feel the loss each holiday season. For many years, the light was dim. It was dark and painful without them next to us.  The last 5 years, I wept to my Mom, how could I manage without her? How can I find the light, her Christmas again? One year, my mother gave  me a Thomas Kinkade porcelain lighted Christmas tree. It was exquisite and detailed. It revolves and is lit within, with cut out stars that reflect all over the room. The painter of Light he was noted for…my Mother was my light and I hers, especially in our darkest moments. It is so beautiful and I love his work, I was truly touched. It symbolized so much for us, her deep love of family & Christmas trees! I cherish it, and think of her every time I look at it.  I feel her spirit and love around me lately. Guiding me again, comforting me in her gentle ways. I need her kindness and support now, and wish my parents could be here, next to me. The other day,  I was browsing at a consignment shop. Over the past year I have donated a thousand items of larger sized clothing, it feels liberating, but I also need lots of new clothing (boo hoo nawt really!) so I decided to try and consign some of it. I haven’t had much success in re selling them..it is what it is. A few months ago I found a little piece of heaven at this shop.  I had just scored a beautiful Victorian bench/Setee  for our bedroom. It is something I dreamed of having since I was a child. It’s romantic and royal and vintage…He also has a small art gallery there now and I was browsing thru and I saw a small Kinkade painting I admired. The owner and I were chatting and he was willing to sell me the painting for a very good price. I loved the painting a lot, yet it was a small 5X7 not exactly what I had envisioned, but he piqued my interest for sure! I didn’t buy it, I wanted to think more on it.  I’m glad I waited…a miracle was coming but at the time, I didn’t know it.

I believe in the ability to channel energies and love from the other side. I have had some incredible experiences with connecting with my parents energy and love. I was out running errands and collecting Snowmen as usual! Ok!!! So,  I adopted a few yesterday and the week before, they were cold and homeless and they “spoke” to me! It’s my favorite hobby over the last 10 years or so..it does my soul some good #snowmanobsessed!

Back to the miracle! LOL!

I was heading back to the consignment shop, they called and asked me to pick up merchandise I had consigned there, they were revamping the store…I was abit sad. I had a ton of new clothing I was hoping to sell, so I can in turn, buy more clothes! I was feeling defeated, and had not sold anything to date there, I was ready to cash in and donate it to someone who could really use it.  I walk in and see the owner Charles is there, the consignment/thrift  shop is new to the Smithtown area, & he relocated there a couple of months ago. He is a gentle soul, with a good eye for art and collecting and has some interesting vintage/ antique furniture going on.  I told him, I was feeling sad, that his employee called me to come collect my merchandise and I had just dropped off a large amount of new clothing last week too! I was feeling “meh”…bummed. He said, you don’t have to take it back! Just take some older items from 2 months ago, you could leave the rest. I was bummed! I had spent hours getting it all there and nothing sold! I told him, I would rather donate it, I just can’t bring it back home! He said…I feel bad, how can I make this right for you? I glance down at the floor and there sits a Thomas Kinkade  a fabulous piece, a  winter wonderland scene, large 16×20 painting, framed in gold. (Adrenaline Rises People)!  I smile and we laugh abit, I said, hmmm well this  one is Lovely! and he said…I saw you pull in, I thought you might like it!  Here’s the happy ending. He pulls a shopping cart with all my merchandise piled high.  It would fill  up my entire car if I schlep that stuff back home! & My hubby will Kill Me! I’m thinking…brain is processing…oh boy… So I coyly suggest….How about we trade! You keep ALL my merchandise (Over $500 +easy in new retail clothing) plus all kinds of other goodies, and I keep a few pieces of clothes and the painting.  He haggles for a few bucks on some other clothing I found and he smiles and agrees, noting, you really DO love to negotiate. Umm hell to the YES…Charles, I certainly do. The next few hours is a blur frankly, I was in la la land, at Lowes, (God, I loathe LOWES on a Saturday!) and I arrive home safely and anxiously await the moment when I hang her…my Kinkade, my miracle & dream.  I know my Mom is watching and smiling. #christmasmiracles. <3.  Here is a peek at my prize, and the beautiful Kinkade Christmas Tree my mother gave  me                      Enjoy & blessings to you & yours ~ leelee.