Reflections of love, Father’s & sons
I awake with the heavy rains on the Island. They came, all night, relentless. I thought for a moment…this is how many tears I have cried, shed when my father died. I cried as many, if not more when my brother died. So, as you can imagine, Father’s Day is not quite the celebration it once was. Not by a long mile. This year, well, how can I even put this into words without sharing all the pain in today? I simply can’t. I don’t do fake. I loathe bullshit phoniness, and I own what is happening. My mentor, my rock, the center of our family, My dad died of lung cancer in 2002. It was the quickest death in history. He went into treatment, chemo and radiation for stage 3 small cell carcinoma. It was inoperable. The studies proved only 15% can even survive. I remember him sharing, well, I don’t have a choice. I am 63 years old, I have a lot to live for. Fuck cancer. Fuck the cure they attempted to run thru his veins. He suffered the entire time, and 7 months to the day, he died. The cancer had spread into his liver, he was suffering, sick and failing. He was in such shock from the news. All that suffering, treatments. He died a month after his last chemo. His oncologist told my family, it was the most aggressive form of cancer he had ever seen or treated, he was sorry. Yeah….so were we Doc. From that day on, Father’s day was a painful day. For many many years, I would post or write about how it will “never be the same”. Well, I guess I was right. It isn’t. The beautiful part… oh, yes there is one! I have so many days, years, decades, of beautiful memories of my Father. I am now able to reflect and perhaps honor those memories, far more than the last 7 months of his life. That journey took years! I deeply miss him, and I still cry to him. I was blessingly left with infinite wisdom, love and sense of importance and worthiness. He is my hero. My rescue, my mentor, my daddy. Those things you get to keep forever.
The sadness today, it’s no surprise. I grieve for my brother Thomas. I truly am grieving for his children today. The shock and horror of his tragic death 5 months ago. I am sure they are all grieving today. I pray for all of them. I will reach out to each one and offer them a place to hang out if they want. My heart hurts, all 5 of his children were under 28. His choice to die will effect them forever. I am also grieving for my son. He became a father 6 months ago. He will not see his daughter, nor will we. The baby’s mother will not communicate or respond to us. For me, as of late, I almost feel like I am grieving another loss. This is terribly painful for me to even share or talk about. I have held all this in for months and months. It is time for me to work through this grief, this loss. Our family motto: “It just keeps coming”! Well, it rings true yet again. Today, I pray for my family, I write a lot, I busy myself with menial tasks, garden, plant, weed, read, cook, clean, organize. This is what I do, for now. I won’t sit and wallow in pity. I’ve done that far too many times in my life. For some odd reason, I choose to see brighter days, healing, and working towards a solution and if that means, legally going to court and obtaining Grandparent visitation, I will work towards that as my goal. Whew, that felt good. Just to say that. Anna Lisa my sweet angel. Nana loves you, each and every single day. One day, we will share it all, you and me, together <3. love & peace to you ~ leelee