a secret triumph

Good morning folks. Tis Friday, happy dance, well its like 4 degree’s. Hello February! We still have 3 feet of ice, and the high might be 20 today, but I have learned how to layer! Speaking of “layering”. One of the first things I noticed as I was dropping weight is your blood thins so fast and you suddenly discover what “cold” feels like. I spent most of my adult life, either too hot or overheated or not enough AC, fans blowing. I was all about air flow.  The heavier I got, the more hot, overheated I would get. It was hard to tolerate. Today, I decided to check my weight loss progress. I have reached a personal goal. 100 lbs lighter. Yep, it’s true, I secretly never thought I would get there. I mean, 100 lbs, I am not even sure I deemed myself worthy of that number! Imagine my joy when I stepped on the scale and saw that number. I stared at it for a second, peered closer, just to double check I wasn’t seeing it wrong. Then I wept. A secret goal I had set a year or so ago. At first, I stressed myself out about obtaining that within 12 months. I have learned to be really gentle on myself and let the process happen naturally. I giggled to myself afterwards, you don’t need a scale Leelee, you need to throw those size 18 jeans away!So I thought, when you write a post, you should title it, “she knows by her jeans” (Doesn’t every woman really??)Sometimes, “this” is  Unreal, I am in awe. Whose doing this? Not the old Leelee, that’s for sure! When you live in a fat girls body your entire life, this is all quite new. I still think, cook like I am marathon eating? Again, I am gentle on myself. That mindset is quite embedded.  I celebrate inwardly. I am so grateful and rejoice in thanking Jesus for guiding me. A journey, the process, you can’t rush it, just like anything in life, you chip away, you pray daily, you make the effort and put your nutrition and health first. A new concept perhaps, but no doubt, the right one. I know the scale doesn’t lie. Why is it so hard for me to say, YOU did this? This is Your moment? I am going to chalk that up to being a giver, a giver of life. I celebrate and rejoice in other people’s successes and triumphs. Then it dawned on me. I’ve never felt successful. Worthy. Perhaps because I had never truly had it….that is….Not until today.  #loveyourselfandtherestwillfollow. love & peace ~ leelee

Thoughts of love & Hope

Good Morning my friends.  I am feeling calm. Perhaps this is a first moment for me. I will be thankful and grateful to be in it, and to share it with you. It is 8 weeks today, he left us, briskly, tragically in the freezing cold. Today it is even colder, and I miss you beyond words Thomas….I continue praying and finding hope for all you love here and all who love you forever here on earth.  Sending my heart to heaven <3


sweet soul

I miss you <3 Tom

Hello! Frozen much?  laughs, yes, according to my weatherman, the husband,  it is the coldest day in 20 years! The husband always keep me apprised on the latest weather updates. I awoke this morning, and glanced out the front door.  An inch or two…that’s all. ( In my Meryl Streep voice) Seriously though,   I do chuckle when I think of the crazies on the roads yesterday. Darting, dashing, cutting you off, sheer panic. However, I just received a text from my sis in law in New Hampshire. HOLY whiteness. They literally are snowed up and in, the picture showed her bay front window. We are talking like 5 or 6 feet of fresh snow, on top of 3 or 4 feet of frozen snow….ummmm…. Yikes, she doesn’t seem too thrilled with that winter wonderland scene. (I thought it was so pretty and untouched) ANYWAY…..Old man winter is showing his shit. There ya go.

I blogged a little yesterday, and that shit swirled in my mind most of the day.  I know my kid reads this blog on occasion, she designed it for me and she has always encouraged and pushed me to write and blog. I just don’t want to hurt anyone. There is way too much drama and sadness in our family right now. So I unpacked the sweets he bought me, and displayed and decorated the table with all the cute things he bought and picked for me.  He made the effort, he cares, he tries, and I didn’t quite acknowledge that. In his own way, without any fancy words, he told me he loves me. Today, that is enough.  I cooked and made his favorites, slow cooked beef short ribs and banana cream pie and we went out and grabbed some excellent dim sum and saw the tax people, and in less than 20 minutes, we both realized, we aren’t getting a refund! But we as always, gave 25% to the government. Thank you very much! I prayed and thought and stared at the perfect snowfall. I wept for my brother, I miss him and I think about everyone who loves him and how they are hurting too.  I had ordered some healing crystals and stones and some Garnet charms, his birthstone. I received some yesterday. They are beautiful and bring me some comfort.  Today, I was browsing the net and I found this. For him, because I love and miss him so very much.


For Thomas


the moment you left me

Love, & other things….

sometimesGood morning to you. It has been a whirlwind week of crazy. I barely can stop any of it. This is life, this is hard. I’m trying to run faster than a freight train and in the midst of the madness! My laptop black screens. Shrugs, not a lot one can do. I did get it to reboot once and I will admit it was not running great for awhile. I believe I backed up a lot of my personal pictures and video’s. I did that a month or so ago when my niece asked me for a picture of her and her Dad. I started to search for one and I transferred a ton of photo’s onto a stick. I haven’t had the energy to deal with that yet. I am kinda glad I saved a bunch of stuff. When someone dies, stuff becomes very cherished and for me, it brings me great comfort.  I have a project in mind, it may take me a year to put it all together, it is something I look forward too, yet I am not ready to create just yet.  So, today is designated as V day, Love day, romance and all that fiasco. My husband is thoughtful, and he has always acknowledges every little holiday. He was sweet and bought me treats and a gift certificate to my favorite spa. Delightful, thoughtful.  I open his card, and I hesitated to share this intimate moment, thought. It reads… Sometimes I just don’t have the words to tell you what I’m feeling. Sometimes, I lose touch with what you need from me….

I wish it weren’t true. I have spent 36 Valentine’s with a man who doesn’t know the words or what I need….. I am sad.   The card continues inside to reaffirm he loves me and cares for me and then the last line reads …”.More than anything else, I want you to feel loved.” Ok?  thanks?

But, honestly, isn’t it a bit comical? Just based on the entire lame Epic Fail – husband card. I want to thank Hallmark, for putting it out there?  Again, I don’t write this blog to humiliate my husband, but obviously, I just did.  I apologize. I know he doesn’t read this, but he knows I write a blog. He is a good provider, a hard worker, a helper, a giver to his children, who are his entire world and life’s purpose. He has the same job for 30 years, he shows up and puts up and has never left my side. We both have had severe losses and tragic deaths in the last 3 years, it has taken it’s toll on us both. I’ve learned the harshest way that life is a gift. Each day is. Tomorrow is not for certain. We have been through hell and have had some really bad days recently. Communication is key for any relationship.  We are working on it, hanging tough. I planned a surprise vacation for his birthday in April, I hope he comes.   A little getaway to the tropics and stay at a beach house and let the sun and the waves and his divine glory heal us and renew us. See, I have the “words”…as he has often told me, I always have the words. Maybe he will follow his heart for once and join me. In the meanwhile, I take it all One Day At A Time.