Signs of spring, sprucing this up a notch!, slimming me down some

Hey! Its 8:33 p.m! Good Evening folks & Surprise! You normally wouldn’t see me blogging at this late hour. Ha ha, I know, I am certainly an early bird. And obviously, old and quite scheduled. <shudders>… Truth is,  I love to write in my quietness. My mornings are serene and my best times to share. My time to meditate, pray and reflect.  I was super excited to grab my busy computer graphic designer daughter and have her update a few things on this ever loving, merciful blog of mine. After all, she gifted this webpage to me, a few mother’s day’s ago, and designed my very first blog page. I am eternally grateful to her for her thoughtfulness and love. She supports me and encourages me to write, and create. We love to hang and design, create, cook, bake, spa, & shop. A girl after her Mother’s heart. She is truly a blessing and joy to my soul. I love you Danielle <3. 

I finally caved in and updated my picture and profile info and linked my Pinterest page. I am so behind the 8 ball lately, if you read me, I am sure you understand why. I am daily healing with God’s love, I am breathing and functioning better, slowly and lovingly. Believe it or not, for me, it is  still surreal seeing the “new” leelee. I feel good. I feel healthy, but, I don’t always visually see that. A lifetime of poor self image I suppose, I’m working on it. Today, I am gentle with myself, my body and my mind.

It is Palm Sunday. The church service was beautiful and uplifting. I attended with a good friend. The snow melted in clumps, sparkling and disintegrating into the soil. The sun rose and  itwas shining so bright. I needed to hear the sermon, the message. I needed to pray. I listened to the gospel, and how he bravely died for us. He died for me, so I could believe and live in him.   I lit candles for my loved ones. I spoke to our priest quietly outside in the bright sun. I shared my loss and asked for prayers and healing for my family. He anointed me, and prayed for my brother and family, then…. he hugged me. I felt blessed, renewed, protected for a moment. Thanks be to God.

I am blessed today. Grasping & desperate for an ounce, a droplet of gratitude and peace. This is healing in itself. Giving my sorrow to Jesus, and asking our Blessed Mother Mary to carry my burden and lighten my heart and protect my children and family. I am sending positive energies into my universe. I am opening my heart to God and praying he guides and protects us. My parish is having a beach service at sunrise on Easter Sunday.  I feel this will be my gift to myself this Easter. My heart can not bear the thought of not sharing it with my brother Thomas this year. That had been our tradition for the last 5 years and I miss him terribly. I feel closer to him when I connect with God. Therefore, I will.

I also had an interesting experience this weekend. I went to a fire department fundraiser. They had a psychic medium host for the evening. I was curious, and a friend asked if I would like join along.  I sat directly in front of this man. Hoping he would notice me, my family would channel him to me. He chose the guy behind me, who choked and said “pass”, so,  I grabbed the mic and I asked one question.  Who was there, when my brother crossed. He thought, smiled and answered.  He is surrounded now, by loved ones, they are all around and with him now. He is with his father. He closes his eyes and just says…”total peace”. My heart warmed. He comments that things are “Ok” now with your other brother, and  he listens and meditates and states, your brother doesn’t want to “talk”, he is quiet your brother. He closes his eyes again and then says…Nothing or no one could have ever changed his decision. That was powerful for me, I felt it. I certainly felt the message, whether it was channeled or made up. I figured out, for myself,  it really didn’t matter, because,  all I ever wanted to hear,  from the moment Tom died,  but more importantly, I needed to make peace in my heart, and believe in my soul, that Thomas had achieved “total peace”.  An hour later, I won a raffle. It was a beautiful angel bracelet and matching angel earrings. Handmade, of porcelain and crystals. Talk about a sign….Thank you Thomas <3. I love you eternally.

I spent the rest of today outside in the fresh, crisp, spring air, soaking up our beautiful world. Grateful to have a few hours to reflect and move around some rocks. What can I say, it’s the little things, for real.  I dug in the dirt and puttered around, noticing the tulips and iris budding and bursting through the snow. Renewal, Amen.  I felt a comfort, a peace within my heart, I believe it is the Grace of God. He has risen, again.


Blessings ~ leelee





Moments remembered

The morning comes. It is gentle and silent. I breathe and practice breathing softly.  I know what will come. I feel him all around me. I still feel so sad. I received a canvas print yesterday. Tom and his granddaughter Callie. He is on his new boat, at the prime of his weight loss, looking really healthy….August…this past summer. Some days, it feels like yesterday, still. It is still unfathomable, unthinkable to swallow and accept. I pray every single day for peace, clarity and the acceptance to love and move forward, a day at a time. The canvas is magnificent, it is a moment. It’s a memory of our day at the beach. I had many, not enough, never enough moments with him. I miss you Thomas…praying for you.

I had purchased a few Groupon deals for prints and a nifty camera last year. I have yet to explore and delve into that new contraption.  I think of it, I look forward to it, anything that brings me joy, I love photography. I follow quite a few on FB, photo’s soothe me and move me, like music. For many years,  I have my trusty old SONY digital camera and it works good and it’s compact.  What can I say? I’m old school with techy stuff. I’m glad. I like to stare into someone’s eyes not phone. Speaking of ole Blue eyes….Here’s a big ole can of worms and some whoop ass thrown in for ya… Ready?  SO…for 33.5 years,  I live with the “husband” who NOW/recently…. spends his entire down time on an IPAD. It’s oh 2 years now, and basically, it’s gotten bad, rock bottom bad. I’ve observed from now he is courting her, dating her, committed to her, dependent on her!, ummm..I’m not done, wait.  He carries her to the bathroom, he charges her EVERY single night, errrrrr bottom line. Ms. IPAD has got game. He is busy making “words” with “friends”, ummm, game of pool anyone? How bout some 7 card Poker! I mean, he is his own social media groupie! He reaches out to more strangers than my hand. So, I’m sure I am not “alone” in this…yet, I have never felt so lonely. I’m pretty direct,  I do not pretend to dance around the apparent fact. He’s addicted to her, it, the IPAD.  The kids and I bought it as a gift sooooo! guilty as charged. Oh…are there any 12 step meetings for wives who lose their man to social media and online gaming. Oh yeah…forgot, he is going to be 57 this coming month. Matured fast as you can tell. OK…I have shared my truth. Any comments?  Perhaps, you are thinking to yourself about now…well, leelee, ….at least he is HOME on the IPAD, he is not out getting hammered at a bar! True. 2) at least he isn’t viewing porno? stares….come on girls, we know better.  yeah right. 3) At least he’s not.. one of those obsessed sports fan fanatics that trucks all over the USA to see his favorite sport teams.  Uhhhh, no. I’m married for 133 years! He stopped bowling 10 years ago! He pays monthly for a Gym membership, but, coincidentally, hasn’t gone since he started dating Ms. IPAD! (2 years now)….Anyway…honest?  I would encourage! Cheer him! Go see a damn game! LIVE in the outdoor light! Plus, sporting events are fun, vigorous, they elevate the serotonin Trust me, Lord knows, he needs that! (cranky probably from staring at a 10″ screen a lot) oh and Vitamin D! (or lack thereof) By the way, that fancy  APP for Natural Sunlight on the IPAD, it really doesn’t work!  He is so so, pale these days! The man needs serious intervention, believe ME, I’ve tried!  I am starting to resent her, and I will confront her soon! There you have it.  #FedUpWife syndrome.  This STRESS, I’ll have you know, causes me to buy more cute summer shoes. Oh well, off I go to my retail therapy appointment. Thankful that I have real “emotional” support from MACYS* and such.   It is almost da weekend! Yippee.  I have my little sweet niece Callie coming for a town Spring festival. (Elsa will be there!)  She is my brother Tom’s granddaughter. The light of his heart. I miss him everyday. She will be 4 soon.

In closing, my friends.  We pray daily for peace and healing today.  I ask for prayers for my son and our family. May God and his angels watch and protect him. I ask this through Christ our Lord.  Thank you for being here, staying here. It’s almost the weekend, I hope you make time for you and have fun. Love & Peace ~leelee

His light

Good Morning. It has been peaceful this morning. I am feeling thankful, perhaps even grateful for the moments. It feels damn good to type that. I feel like I may be breathing almost normal again. It is like a gift. I have been loyal to my soul. I have been through more heartache than I can ever remember. My faith, my God has got to be driving. I can even say, he has lifted me and carried me. I was so afraid of that level of grief and fear. My biggest fear was I would not be able to sustain and recover. My family was not in the same place. My siblings, they seem to be quite rational and matter of fact about my brothers suicide. I was suspended. The pain was intense, the anguish was emotional torture.  I reached out, I got support. My church and a survivor group has helped me cope.  I researched support online. The Grief Toolbox, a website has been a daily healing and connection for me. I read 10 books about suicide. I yearned for my mind to wrap around this mental illness. I struggle. I understand somewhat, yet, I believe, for me, I will never understand his sudden choice. That only leaves me the choice of acceptance. To make peace with his choice, make peace with him leaving us. It is not an easy journey. I still yearn to speak to the experts, who can shed light on my inability to accept and understand.  My journey is mine. For the first 2 months, I craved love and comfort. I didn’t receive much of that, people shy away, they don’t speak about it (his death), they don’t speak about Tom.  They comment how they are truly “shocked” and can’t really “believe it”.  My family preaches and we talk a lot about Tom. Who he was, how he was, why he chose to die. Memories of childhood, still quite painful. I barely can look at his picture, still. I go to his home and sit with his wife. She is quiet, and does not dwell nor speak of his death. I stare outside, the snow and ice melted. I glance at his backyard. He just finished the most beautiful renovation. Hammered into one of the bar beams is “Y”. A metal, sturdy initial. My heart breaks instantly. The next day, I was browsing my favorite antique store and I came across a key chain  “Y”. A little sign perhaps? I sure hope so, it made me feel connected, close. 

I came across this passage today, a website that I LOVE, it is called Begin with Yes…and he is a wonderful writer.  Let me share his post with you:


Some paths we suddenly find ourselves walking are overwhelming and shake us to our very core. There is nothing we or anyone else can do to make it go away and we feel frightened, alone and powerless. But even then, in our darkest, most alone, moment there is a glimmer of light and somehow we keep moving. And the truth is that each one of us has faced or will face devastating loses and heartbreak when we wonder how will we ever go on. But we do the best we can, one small step, one tiny step at a time and we focus on that light and even though we may be shaking, we hold steady. And then one day, months, maybe even years later we realize that it was actually the “getting through” part that deepened us and gave us the capacity to be that glimmer of hope and light for others. And the circle it goes round and round.

I am in the circle, surrounding myself with healing and light and support. My journey is long, and emotional and life changing. I’m in it thick. So thick, I need some big rubber boots! But, I am strong enough now, to pull myself UP and look forward. Live just in today, and grasp any measure of gratitude and hope I can. I see the glimmer of hope and light and I will chase it, for you…for Tom.

Love & Blessings to you  ~leelee

In his memory….

Hello all. I welcome some Sunday serenity. If you are following, my brother Thomas’s benefit was yesterday. The pouring, drenching rain, swept across Long Island fierce.  We arrived at the restaurant and for me, it was surreal. I shared I felt that it was too soon to host any event.  Our grief is so new, we can barely find our old routines, function, remember or even feel like showing up for much. But we did it, me and my brother Anthony. He drove 5 hours to be there. He is quite amazing my baby brother. A PTSD surivivor of 9/11, a retired NYPD cop. He has attended many,  many fundraisers and memorials and benefits over the span of his 20 year career.  We held it together. For Thomas, for his wife and children.  Hundreds of friends attended. It was hard seeing them. The entire day, I kept looking at that front entrance…waiting…wishing…praying. You should be HERE, you should walk in this door. His friends shared many times yesterday, he would have LOVED this. Tom would have loved this party.  Perhaps, they are correct. I didn’t really have a response, perhaps it is because I haven’t fully accepted.  The moment I walked in, I kept playing the movie “Phenomenon” in my head!  I mean, honestly, it is in my top 5 of My all time favorites.  John Travolta stars in it, he has a rare brain tumor, Kyra Sedgwick one of my all time fav’s! At the end, they too host a George O’Malley celebration. Just like Tom’s. The irony, I guess, is that my brother chose to die, George didn’t.  The day for me was surreal, my grief, my sadness, it does not leave me. I asked the mean DJ to play one song. An hour later, I asked why he didn’t play it, he said he didn’t “have” it. Honest? With today’s technology, I was pissed that a simple download wasn’t even considered. So I pouted abit and bitched to my sis in law, and then I heard the first notes of Mike and the Mechanics…”in the living years”. Ahhhh, he relented and found it.  I love that song, it means a lot to me, several verses, they hit home for us. I listened and cried, I do that a lot nowadays. No big speeches, no words from his wife. Emotionally, I was spent, so I didn’t grab the mic. At the end of the day, a song plays and I see my brother Anthony and I collapse into his chest. It is too much ya know, for me anyway, the weight of his death. He held me close, he is all I got to hold me for now.  I love him so. The love in that restaurant, the energy, the amount of friendships and happiness my brother shared was enormous. I will never understand how he ever chose to die. Never.

I awoke this morning disturbed perhaps from a dream. The first thought was of George O’Malley.  He left a legacy, he left every ounce of his wisdom, thoughts, theories, revelations, inventions, everything! written down. He touched so many people while he was living and he rushed to “finish” everything he could, so he could leave it and pass it along on earth. The difference with Tom, he rushed to end a life of beauty and love and left a path of unfinished pieces and plans for his loved ones. I wept, so hard, for that is what my grief is about, a life cut short, purposely,  swiftly, in a blink. Devastating. Pray for him, for me today.

Truly, it was a successful, beautiful benefit. The generosity shows how much he was respected and loved. I noticed not one business partner showed. Not surprising, since they are hiding and avoiding his widow. His company/ partners have been a major disappointment to my family, perhaps they thought we would’nt notice? It’s about being human, compassionate, charitable. I am disappointed Tom’s partners and collegue’s  are none of those things.  It truly shows the people he chose to do business with never had his back and certainly were selfish and cold. They turned their back in an instant, focused on saving their own asses perhaps?. Oh well, again, not surprising, but I know one thing……what comes around goes around and they must live daily with  how they treated my brother, everyday. Business relationships can be toxic. I am proud that 100’s of people have shared their love and respect for Tom and how he conducted himself in business. He was well respected and admired by all his clients, I wish he would have truly known that. I console myself somewhat when his attorney and employees assure me that without Tom, they will crumble.  Who knows, all I know is what I lost…..him.

Life lately, is a rollercoaster. The ups and downs, more downs are harsh and exhausting. I was thinking to myself before, what will I feel in a year, or two years? What will I share here in this blog. I promise you hope, and love and inspirations. That is what leelee is about, I just NEED time to get back there again, a day at a time, a moment of clarity, a day of peace. I am crawling towards the light. I can feel the warmth of the sun. I hear the birds outside again, and I see this beautiful life waiting…..just hang in…I’ll get there. *peace ~leelee