One moment in time…

Good Morning to all. I awoke this morning knowing the rains were coming. The thought of no ice or snow is positive and hopeful. Today, however, is a more solemn day. A day I have prayed on, meditated, and supported.  Today, the friends of my beautiful brother Tom will host a benefit in his honor for his family.  I love that this blog gives my tongue muscles, and I often ponder and hesitate to pen anything offensive, or insulting. It is only 9 weeks since my brother died. He took his own life on a freezing cold morning in January. I am barely breathing. That is what happens you know, you can barely remember how to breathe.  You really don’t want to without them. It is just past 2 months, I needed time, our family needed time to breathe and accept and deal with the aftermath.   I was informed of this event, his wife mentioned it to me and they started  Go-Fund website, friends rallied from day one.   This loving family & closest friends to she and Tom, they all want to honor and help his family. They are beautiful people with good hearts and good intentions.  The difficult part of this is, we had no input, therefore, my brother’s children were hurt in the process.  I have learned and continue to learn that some things are completely out of your control. It almost makes it easier, just let things be.

So Today, we “celebrate” honor, remember, love together at a restaurant/bar. A huge event with many donations, supporters and the generosity of strangers, giving their time, love and money to help. I get all that, and I am grateful and thankful for the outpouring of love & respect for Tom and his family. My husband and children and one of my siblings will attend today. I will do anything to support and love Tom. I miss him beyond words, everyday is difficult, but I search and pray for his light to shine. I talk to the dead, it’s crazy, but they all were my support. The glue, the top of the mountain has been broken. Little by little it has disintegrated, leaving shattered bits of sorrow and sadness, death does that to a person. I believe we are never ever the same after the loss of someone we loved so very much. I also came to this beautiful spiritual revelation. The reason you feel that deep sorrow and grief, is simply because you loved and cherished a love so deep, for your whole entire life. So there is a sad beauty in grief, it is honoring the eternal bond and love you shared.

I have once again challenged my brain.  I scoured the library for every up to date bio, study, stats, progress, treatment, documented cases, you name it,  about Suicide.  I want, I crave, my soul begs to KNOW. But, seriously? I want to know the “WHY”.. and in actuality, most of the studies and books will straight up tell you, you may never truly find  “IT”, the “why”, I mean…because that is what the survivor here is left with.  There is the essence and the raw harsh reality and tragedy of suicide. THEY choose to end, and leave the entire universe questioning the act and the reason.  I would say, the best I can find and seek would be peace with it and understanding of the human psyche and the breakdown that happens in ending yourself. I am reading about the diagnosis of psyche ache. At first, I didn’t understand this newly developed term,  mental diagnosis, but I was instantly drawn into knowing more about this state of mind, what happens to a brilliant brain, down deep I felt this could very well be what my brother was in, fighting, battling, untreated,  right before his decision. I know, this is some  Deep shit, but I’m in for the long haul. Knowledge for me is power, and knowledge gives me clarity and reason and acceptance of what is and what we have no control or power to change. Clinically, I process things easier, from a clinical, medical, studied standpoint. My medical background and respect for  the mental health profession and science, gives me a glimmer of hope in understanding, maybe diagnosing the undiagnosed and the campaign of stopping the stigma and silence of suicide. We can relate to a sudden tragic suicide like Robin Williams, ponder it for awhile, but in the end does any living person truly know why that brilliant man hung himself? Why he made the choice that morning in his bedroom? I don’t believe anyone truly does, except himself.  Perhaps all I want is to understand as best I can, so I may go on living and making it beautiful again. The sorrow and grief, I allow it. I cry for him everyday. It never will go away, but I truly believe the pain will soften.

I,  as always, ask for continued prayers for my family. We are struggling, but we all our survivors, each one of us, all over this beautiful earth have survived something.  I ask Jesus to watch over my beautiful, amazing family and give us guidance and strength and peace in our hearts.  I want to be a loving child of God today, and share my profound respect and love for Thomas. Pray with me, that we all can hold on to each other and get through one more day.   Thank you for being here, these posts are not easy, but so very essential and necessary in my healing and grieving process.  Blessings*  to you and yours  ~leelee

I hear the dove….

Good Morning to you! The melting is underway. The ice masses are shrinking. I have seen GRASS people. Yes, the semi-errr green stuff that I have longed to rediscover! It’s true, New York is seriously melting down. The temps are climbing and 50 feels like 80…giggles*. We are silly and easily fooled.  I must warn you pre-springer’s that many an Easter Sunday, we would have a snow shower or a few inches when we awoke.  So, let’s not count our chickens just yet!  I have resumed my daily power walk. I have been longing to do so, my brain telling me to walk and pray and feel the sunlight again. I’ve been told by my doctor’s that I have lacked Vitamin D for awhile now. At first, I was hesitant in taking supplements, vitamins in any extra strength dose, but, I always try and expose myself to the light…in many ways it would appear.  A few months ago, I had blood testing, and again, my levels of Vitamin D are low. Today, I read another article stating there is a direct link to diabetes and low levels of vitamin D.  Interesting research and findings. In the meantime, I will continue eating supplements and walking in the sunlight. I also read another study that simple sitting on a park bench and absorbing 15 minutes of sunlight may not be effective enough.  It went on to state, we need to expose at least 25% of our skin to the sun, not just your face and arms! So…I will soon be stripping off some layers!  The sun, I feel its warmth and its vastness and it soothes me.

So what does a girl do when she is awoken at 4am? I don’t know! It wasn’t a personal choice, but once I opened my eyes, that was it.  So, I surf the net, grab my inspiration, read my blogs, follow their words, pray.  I get up and shower and feel lucky I have super hot water. Old house, cold pipes. I scorch myself and out of nowhere, my father’s favorite song by Gladys Knight plays in my head. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I weep, quietly, letting the hot water drown my tears and buffer my sobs. I miss them, it happens all the time. The longing and grief, it just washes over you, literally brings you to your knee’s.  I talk to them and tell them of my sorrow and grief and I have my moment of sadness and then that moment of LOVE washes through me.  That my friends, is what grief is. As painful as it is to read, the beauty must be found in it. For grief is the aftermath of loving someone so deeply and profoundly. There is beauty in that statement. Each and everyday, I strive to be better, more grounded, more present in the now. Please continue to pray for my family and my brother’s family too.

I am back at work, busy as a honeybee in a hive! I love my work, it fills me, and challenges me and I have really great managers that love what they do. I am hoping sales are up for the spring!  As I was packing to leave yesterday. My house so quiet and serene in the mornings now, I hear a lone dove outside my window. I stop jiggling my keys and listen for a moment. Yes, he is there. Cooing…and calling to me. I stop and listen. That sound is so calm, but I always found it sad, almost desperate & wounded and waiting for his mate.  I welcome the dove, I felt it was a sign from him.  I felt his sadness. I miss you Tom.

This weekend is my brother’s fundraising event. It will be a day time get together at a local restaurant/pub. I am weary, I am grieving, this is hard. I will support everyone, my family will be attending, but we are private people. We did not plan this event, nor were we consulted. It is for my brother’s wife and children and we will support her completely through it. If this can ease her burdens, so be it. I live each day as it comes now, some days are better than other’s. I’ve learned to go with what it is and knowing it doesn’t last forever or stay the same. Life is funny like that huh? A moment of charity, love, kindness goes such a long way when you are hurting.

I ask for prayers tomorrow for my son. He is going through a rough time and in court fighting for his newborn child.  Please pray for strength and clarity and that we all hold on and believe that God will protect us and guide us through this difficult time.  I can’t even pen what I feel inside. I will share, that Anna Lisa is the tiny drop of hope that we were blessed with at a very difficult time. I believe in love, therefore, we will see her again, soon. Please pray for our granddaughter.

One more day till Friday, and with the Grace and Love of God, I am getting through it.  Love & Peace to you xxxx ~ leeleemagic

March madness

Good Morning from snowed in New York. We got the most beautiful, pure, white snow Thursday. I watched it slowly fall, it lingered way past it’s time, and I loved every moment of it. I allowed myself to photograph it’s natural beauty and untouched perfection. The flakes were steady, from when I awoke and it magnificently remained that way until darkness. I for the first time alone in 2 months, stared into the snow for hours. I watched it quietly blanket my world and meditated and prayed for my loved ones.  I noticed I did not focus on the 2 month mark.  I was secretly proud of myself. No one else seem to speak about Thomas.  I am catapulted into the “living”, constantly. The first thing I took note of after my brother died was frightening to me. Everyone around us was still “living”. They didn’t appear to be in  “slow-mo”. They were laughing and joking and breathing. These last 2 months for me. It was like I took a deep breath and I couldn’t let it go. I secretly worried  about everyone around me. Please drive safe. Call me when you get home. Please slow down. Please eat something healthy. Please go to the doctor. I  worried enough for the entire nation. I’m a Mother; that’s just what we do.  In the interim, I secretly prayed for alone time. Just with me, with him, his spirit. My grief needed space. My heart needed to be held.  I was reading an article someone shared at church. It talked about how our brains kind of protect us during a sudden tragic loss. It went on to say, You will be driving and completely pass the exit. You might even forget where you were going.  The article reassured the reader that the initial shock often closes off our brain waves and the simplest of tasks are hard to remember! This is not my first rodeo, I’ve been here, many times, I know the “drill” sorta speak.  I admit my work keeps me occupied and distracted. I am grateful to have that. I have a toolbox of therapeutic remedies and I have my God. I’ve learned through the years, tears cleanse, they hurt, but so very important to allow. I’ve learned to pray and ask God to carry my grief with me. I pray everyday, that my whole family is together, in heaven, waiting for us. I picture my Mother, holding my brother and my heart breaks all over again. The process is hard. The love is eternal. I read scripture and I play my hymns, and I feel God around me and that miracle of faith comforts me.  Thanks be to God.

A week from today, March 14th, in Amityville, NY, friends of my brother and his wife will host a benefit held in honor of my brother Thomas. My brother has good friends, they are fundraising for his family. He was loved and admired and adored by many. I forever will adore him…. that is one thing that doesn’t change…. This week marked “2” months since he left the physical world.  I often share this thought; I would do anything to rewind 8 weeks ago, how in one second, one precious moment our lives change. Fragile, momentary. Don’t take today or any day for granted.  Make it matter, and most of all share your LOVE, your kindness, your charity with someone.  I leave this post with a heart felt thought

Cherish <3  today.

love & peace to you ~ leeleeFaith