snip it…Grey’s Anatomy fan

I can hardly digest the cliff hanger from last week on Grey’s Anatomy. I have been a fan for many years…first ER, & Private Practice, Grey’s. I like the energy the ER brings, the characters are deep and forever changing, I’m a huge fan. But last night, as I was fighting falling asleep during my DVR marathon, I caught the last episode. I admit, I was semi distracted, reading, half dozing, but I am always drawn into the story. First and foremost Meredith Grey. I can’t say it was “love” at first sight. But over the years, Meredith has changed my soul. How can I say anything but praise to her. Derrick, her neuro surgeon hot hubby isn’t too shabby either. I have grown to love them. So please..PLEASE do not write him off!  It ends with her standing after no contact from him for the entire day into dinner time. She hesitates to pick up the phone at “5” pm. Bailey made her promise to wait. As she reaches to make the call, she looks up and see’s flashing police lights. All around, flashing. She narrates, you never know when it happens, you never know how you will respond or not….and it cuts! WHATttttttttttttttttttt….Not my Derrick. Not Dr. Grey, I am not ready.  I will never be ready. I think that is part of my daily mantra these days…accepting…dealing…(how am I dealing?). Making peace with what IS, rather than what you thought….powerful

Love & peace to you today  ~



Beauty around me

Good day, Sunday.  Sunday was reserved for worship and family. For as long as I can remember, Sunday, as my parents reminded us, was a day of rest and relaxation. We didn’t attend Mass. My mother wasn’t very social, and preferred to be in her nest with all her little chicks. My father was quite content in his gardens, watching a big game, or playing a good board game with us. Sunday’s always revolved around family time. We could do a project, clean house or do massive yard work. It was a family effort. You had no say in that lol. My mom usually put on a big pot of simmering sauce and meats and meatballs. Some Sunday’s we would have a big roast with all the sides. We never lacked food, after all, us Italians can use a dozen eggs and some vegetables and feed everyone. Often my grandparents would come and spend a few days with us. They also loved to come and spoil us rotten, fill up our fridge and enjoy every moment with us. I have fond memories of my nanny and poppy, they would get a bottle of ammonia, some bleach and go to town. They would scrub the outside patio and hose it down. They would help and cook and do chores. We would all go shopping and pick up clothing and toys and snacks. We were their entire world. All 5 of us, loved and spoiled. My nanny would do 20 loads of wash. I had matching socks for a couple of weeks!  She, my grandmother, adored and spoiled me. We were blessed to be close and when they moved in with us, she was my rock, my mentor, my spiritual guide. I always say, I could never be who I am, the mother, wife, a friend, that I have become, if I didn’t have a Mother who loved me and  made me feel beautiful and special, every single day.  I feel the same about my Grandmother,  I feel fortunate, I feel blessed.

Yesterday, on Long Island was a spectacular, long anticipated, long  awaited spring day. The sky was as clear as crystal, blue as sapphire and a gentle warm breeze and the SUN…so warm. Early in the morning sunlight,  I wandered outside to my gardens and chatted with a friend. It was a beautiful moment of serenity, and peace. I have many statues from my Mom. She loved angels and fairies. I have them all around my yard. I was glancing at the little angel she painted a hideous orangey/gold/blue color! She has a broken wing. I thought, I should get some paint and spruce her up abit, she is looking alil tired.  Beautiful memories flood back into me. She is all around me, her beauty, her love.  A moment later, I look up and notice a butterfly, flutter over my fence. I am taken for a moment. I say to Susan, wait….A black and blue winged butterfly just came in my yard!  It’s APRIL??? I don’t recall them migrating or coming till summer/fall on Long Island?? My butterfly bush isn’t even budding yet? We rejoice and I said, maybe it escaped  from a butterfly exhibit! We laughed and it gently, softly, fluttered away.  When you are grieving, any sign from your loved one, from heaven, is huge. Objects, pictures, memories are all we are left with. All become very important and sacred. For me, I wear jewelry everyday from them, of them, remembering and honoring them. It gives me a sense of being as close as I can physically to them. I was wearing a butterfly pendant for Tom when the butterfly stopped by. Thanks bro. 

My day was beautiful. I spent the day with my daughter and we enjoyed a good long walk. She is full of life and laughter and happy. I am blessed. We decided to head to the ocean and the boardwalk. It was seriously “mint!”  We had a picnic, and walked some more! After a few hours, she tells me… Mom, I’m finally feeling totally “zen”. At that moment, I was feeling that  Zen too!  It was really good.  Ocean breeze, salty air, totally healing, totally holistic, God’s creation. We are realizing the perks in excercize  and fresh air.  This shit really does work!  She has no idea, how healing, how much she is helping me,  pushing me through my grief, lovingly and gently.  We share our heartache, our joy and sorrows. I love her spirit, her depth. A very perceptive child, quick on her feet, I  reminisced with her of how she just stood up one day. She was 10 1/2 months old.  She stood up from a sitting position. She got her balance and she just walked. She didn’t toddle or wobble. She just walked like she was doing it all her life. I was in awe. She will be 25 soon. Where does the time go?  I don’t want to miss a moment. You can never buy back time, you can only move forward and make more memories. My heart is filled with love, the love for a child you secretly wished and prayed for your entire life. I am blessed.

I think we are on to something really good. I live on an Island that is paradise almost 9 months a year. I moved here when I was 1 years old. I hope I can discover the beauty I never used to see, go to every park, ocean, I haven’t discovered.  We got a yearly park/beach pass to push us towards our goal. Find the simplicity. Find the magic. The journey starts within. I’m game, excited and grateful to be healthy enough to do it.


Love & Blessings to you~  Get some fresh air today!




Challenges, powerlessness

I awoke early, too early. The husband can be quite loud and abrupt at 4am. I know how important SLEEP is….it heals the brain, it heals the body. It allows us to escape the harsh realities, it is crucial for recovery and healing. Unfortunately, once I am awakened suddenly, the thoughts are rapid, they are instantaneous, Tom and Anna Lisa.  I often feel, that I am dreaming of them. My subconscious has to be working overtime. They are the first thought and the last thought everyday. I have adjusted to this. Loss, grief, the emptiness you feel inside daily. I describe it best by an overwhelming sadness. I am acutely aware, that the sadness is deep in my heart. I know the term…”heartbroken”, I have felt that pang a few times in my life. I guess what I am trying to describe is a physical pain. The heart yearns to love. It was installed inside us to accept love and most of all give love to others.  When you lose someone who you deeply love in your heart, it feels like a painful jagged piece is hurting. The heart is wounded.  It beats, but your sadness, grief makes it heavier. It is now scarred, bruised and wounded.  I pray and ask God, to please lift the burden, the sadness, the heartbreak.  I am striving daily to function more normally, gently and efficiently. The pressures of work, home and the custody battle of our granddaughter have taken it’s toll on all of us. The pain and loss so acute, I can barely allow myself to talk about it. I forced myself to emotionally detach. The mind can only process so much stress. I often think to myself…how was Thomas feeling?. My faith pulls me up, boosts my spirit and I rise, everyday.  I lean heavily on support groups and fellowships for healing and grace. I remember to thank God everyday. I pray to him everyday, to protect, guide and watch over my family. I still worry incessantly about everyone, fully knowing, I have little or no control over their choices and decisions. I can only focus on my journey and be supportive and present and hopefully, loving and kind.

The last few days have been tough. I received some news regarding my son’s custody battle. I hurt for my son. I feel defeated and I haven’t even begun to fight. I am disappointed and saddened by all of it. The hardest thing being, I have no control whatsoever.  I am too emotional to battle unstable people who we were nothing but kind and open too. I have no choice but to give this up to God and pray for the best outcome and support my son the best that I can.  I try and counsel my son, and guide him best I can, the rest will be up to him.  In the meantime, even though I don’t speak your name much, I can’t bear to look at your picture and I miss you every single day, Anna Lisa, you are loved & missed and prayed for daily. Nana adores every single ounce and inch of you, from the moment I held you, I melted. My beautiful, perfect, precious baby.

I strive and push myself everyday to be “ok”. I don’t ask or seek anything but inner peace and wholeness. Some days, are steeper, harder, rockier. I know, those are the days, I must push harder. I joined a grief study program last week. It is a pretty intense “grief class”. Work book and all. I have mixed emotions about committing to this 13 week course.  For one, I need it. Secondly, it is church based, good for the soul. Thirdly, Jesus is there, listening. Forth, Church ladies are nurturing, loving and gentle. I miss my Mom. I’m a foster daughter, I’ll take what I can get today. Lastly, I yearn to connect with people on a deeper level. I am gravitating in different circles of others grieving and that surrounds me with support and a deeper understanding of my faith. One day at a time. I am getting there. Lots of bumps and cliffs even, but I haven’t fallen yet. I have a big mountain to climb ya know.

I continually ask for prayers. I don’t know if someone, you, anyone is praying for us right now, I sure am. I pray for others daily too. It gets me through, makes me feel centered, loved. I will lift my troubles and woes up to God. He tells me to do so. Thank you for stopping by today.

Love & Peace  ~ leelee

In your garden…

Good Morning:

I stopped over your house. It looks exquisite as always. The snow has melted, the buds are up and you are not there. I walked around the yard with Ryan, he bought beautiful lilies and dahlia’s for your gardens. He dug the hole and we planted.  She, walked quietly behind us. I could sense her sadness and pain.  My mind was beginning to play a trick or two on me. I was abit afraid to step into the garage. I felt I would see something of yours. I looked at the big gates, and pictured you walking thru one, a rake or shovel in hand. It’s what you loved to do, garden, landscape, decorate. It shows, it’s breathtaking.  My heart sinks, I miss you so much. We sat on your porch and soaked up the sun for awhile. She doesn’t speak of you. They do not say your name. It must be too painful to go there. I glance at the wall and see a beautiful engraved stone, someone gave her. It reads…Gone by not forgotten. It is surreal Tom. My heart wishes, pleads within me, I wish you stayed. It shakes me, every time I go to your home.  I imagine you there, then not there, the heart breaks often, it is something I must learn to accept and grieve. Perhaps, 3 months isn’t enough time to accept your death. She told me that day. He is gone, he is not coming back. She is struggling, facing reality, she is now alone, without you. We both know, her & I, that life did not stop for you. That everyone, everything, still moves forward. It catapults us into the future, even when we want to dwell and grieve in the past.  For survivors of suicide loss, the feeling that we can still grow, love, discover, make memories, it consumes our mind.  That broken piece missing, how can this be? The harsh realities of death. The never ending questions in my mind, how did you not see this beautiful existence? This beautiful life and how the world adored you? The moment we see a second of beautiful, we remember you. The moment I hear your granddaughter speak, giggle and run, I think of you. The moment I pull up to your beautiful home, my heart pains me. I want you back. I want you to be at peace, I want what our lives were 3 months ago. The reality is, you are gone and I feel so much alone.

I force myself to breathe, to move forward. I honor you daily, pray daily and in my own little way, keep you alive in my heart, daily. I walked the boardwalk yesterday with my daughter. It was the most beautiful day. I noticed everyone was spending family time on the beach, together. I was moved by all the couples, happily holding hands and strolling. The children thrilled to be out in the fresh air, running and laughing.  Sons, daughters, parents, grandparents, all together, sharing the beautiful day.  There now is a dark hole, deep in my soul. There is no repairing it, filling it. The day you died, I knew, it would be there, that hole, forever. Today, I secretly pray you hear me. You can sense my love & grief and comfort me in some way. I strive just to see a moment of beauty and be present and aware of it.

By chance, Tom, if you can hear me, read me. Please pray for my son today. He has been through so much, struggling, and trying to stay afloat.  If you can pray for his daughter, for us, we need the love & prayers today. In the meantime, remember I love you always, to the moon & back again.


~ leelee