The steep climb

Good Morning!  I know, I’ve been MIA….lots of reasons. Lots of private journaling. I read somewhere to beware of exposing, penning your private thoughts, your private life in your blog. Really? This could be a slight problem. Wait, I have problems! Don’t tell me not to write about them. Perhaps, down the line, I won’t blog about them. Today…like everyday,  I write from the gut, the waning soul and what she feels. I write to release, to convey my deepest emotions. I don’t write about my peony’s, and organic kale. I’m sorry. I’m in the middle of shit, and yeah, shit happens. I also feel that part of being authentic is to be gut wrenching honest, it’s exposing your weakness, your challenges and your heart. Many of you know, I have had heartbreak. I am heartbroken. It’s happened to me multiple times in my life. I also know, the heart heals. In time. Slowly, gently, allowing the heart to mend.  My journey is intimately personal. I am on it, full force, steady now, no holes barred, no stopping me. This is me, raw & uncensored. At times, unleashed.  Here’s a truth. When I sit and blog, I blog like no one reads this. I have no followers, sponsors, blogging friends/community. I don’t get paid, get freebies, or even offers. I’m a guppie in a massive ocean of bloggers. I read a lot of blogs and have followed them for many years. This is part of leelee, the parts I chose to share with you. I am a tiny seed in a vast field of bloggers and journalists. I own this domain and over the last couple of years, allowed myself to publically post my words, my life, my moments. The writer inside is fierce and capable. I didn’t study journalism or writing, I dreamed about doing that. I didn’t take any special computer classes, creative writing classes. I just have always journaled privately. I started as a young teen and I never stopped.  It centers me, deepens me, and in some odd way, comforts me when I share here.

The last six months, you have come to know a different leelee.  You, if you read me,  know  of my pain and deep grief. It isn’t just my brother’s suicide. As odd as that sounds, it isn’t.  It is multiple heartbreaking realities and life. I often sit and think about the last 6 months. This was NOT supposed to be “my” life! Whose life is this anyways? That is truly how I look back and feel. I know I am a survivor. Therefore,  I am surviving, daily rising above and finding the peace again. My road is very long, I can’t even see any end. I just know you wake up everyday and you do the best you can. I also know, there will be sad days, always, and there will be better ones. I figured out you see, LIFE is still here and therefore so am I. Lately, I am feeling a little churn in my belly. It’s telling me to give back, pay it forward…I am anxious to see where this leads me.  I truly believe part of healing, recovery is in the giving back.  Oh & ummm….  Hello Menopause! UGH! I’ll save that for another post! (fans myself).

Lastly, my beautiful son. I continue to send you love, unending deep love and good energy on your journey to wellness. I have prayed every single day for you. I have given your recovery and pain to our Lord, God. Constantly asking for him to lift your pain and anguish and worries.  I am taking this, like everything else. One day at a time. That is all you have to do. My prayers are being answered right now, I love you to the moon & back always xxx

Love & Blessings to all ~ leelee