We, us, survivors

Good Morning Lovely Blogland.

I hope life has been treating you well. I hope you are smiling when you read this blog today. I got an email from my sweet daughter…it said  “Mom, do you want to renew your blog domain”???  & so here I am. I feel a tad guilty that I neglect you…(the blog) not my child. I was gifted this blog from her, and, she supported my interest in penning my thoughts, ideas, loses, triumphs and cockamamie analogies. She even mentioned she liked my style of writing.  It’s funny though, I never exposed this blog publically to my family. A few, very few don’t even know I write. A couple of people, maybe,  have read a post or two, most no nothing about it.  I didn’t start out to discover notoriety or fame. I admire the women bloggers, who seem to even earn a decent living doing this! Brilliant and talented women, who have a purpose.  I have a purpose, a thought, an  experience, everyday even.  I manage a full time job, so perhaps my dreams of being a “serious, badass, blogger are on hold…for now at least.

So, just this morning, I am  so, totally, avoiding taking some online quizzes for my job. I have like 6 of them to complete. I put it off to the last minute, being totally overly stressed and pressured at work. I’m in sales, so it’s all about sell, sell, sell.  I try my best and it really takes a lot of focus and time and effort to close deals.  Honestly, my mind and heart are in a different space. I am grateful to have a job. I am grateful to wake up and breathe and see the sun rise. I am amazed that I still wake up and I am able to function. Self realizations, lots of self care has gotten me where I am for today.  Life, and the realities of living with addiction and being a survivor of a suicide loss, well, it changes you….in many ways.

So, this morning, I read a few blogs and was making a Egg frittata/soufflé and it dawned on me. See, LeeLee, your amazing secret talent..like.. you can take 5 ingredients in your fridge, leftovers, veggies, whatever,  and turn it into something awesome. WHY don’t you blog about this recipe? Take a pic or two?  Ahhhhh, how good am I at avoiding the quizzes today!  It’s in the oven, it smells good, I’m feeling accomplished here.

I have been sleeping extra long lately. I read many moons ago, how imperative, important, SLEEP and rest are for grieving and healing. I sacrifice an old movie re run, or reading some articles and dive into my warm bed. Sleep comes easy and I feel better when I sleep soundly.  I don’t recall many dreams, so I am sleeping deeply and restfully. That is a huge part of healing. I always feel for people who have insomnia.

I also try daily to meditate. Practicing breathing is the key to relieving stress.  Same with Yoga. I try and squeeze time every morning to practice both. It centers me, and reminds me to set a daily intention. All of this helps with grief, with moving forward, with acceptance and self awareness. It keeps you mindful, and honest. I seek out women who are gifted and crafted in their practices and dedicated in finding your true self, your inner voice, inner peace, your center.  Women, who care and show me how to self love and self care for my body and mind. I am grateful for my coach, Tina, she has helped me the last year with severe stress and anxiety and healing my broken heart. Her technique in massage, and hypnotherapy and meditation have literally been my life boat. She is now a certified life coach.  My daughter gifted me a couple of sessions for Mother’s day, and I met this angel of light and mercy.  I can’t ask for much more today than that.  I do have a wish list, I do have secret hopes and prayers.  I am seeking answers and along my journey, I am learning to let go. For me, it is the most challenging and most painful process.

I also attended the National AFSP survivors day luncheon. A beautiful, warmish, autumn day on the Island.  This event is held nationwide, on 11/19, across our country. It is a day for survivors to gather and connect. They share an educational video, a video montage of our loved ones lost to suicide and then organized  break out groups for survivors to share their story, grief, listen, learn and find love and strength and hope with each other. A powerful lunch, given by AFSP, it is an emotional day, filled with a mix of emotions, but the message that AFSP sends is Hope.  There is hope after a suicide. The complicated grief and traumatic death of suicide is like no other. These support groups and organizations are crucial for survivors. I like to volunteer and take part in the walk and events, it keeps me humble, it honors my brother’s death. & umm…oh, and yeah, it still hurts like hell. Yesterday, the facilitator asked us to close the group with saying our loved ones name,  and if we liked, to send them a message.

My message to him yesterday was:

My brothers name is Thomas, he died 1/7/15 from a gunshot.


Love surpasses Death


love you, always missing YOU, till me meet again…


Peace to all of you