hope & miracles

It was most unexpected. It was like a dream. You see, after battling in court for almost a year, standing next to her in silence and dealing with tremendous grief, a tiny miracle happened.
I don’t care to explain every sad detail. I don’t want to berate, accuse or dissect every word. It was hell, the stress and anxiety, enormous. Today, however, I just want to share abit of goodness. A moment of pure love, joy and a tiny bit of hope. I shared in previous posts about petitioning for visitation of my late son Michael’s daughter. She was just 2 months old when she exited our lives. They, the mother and daughter, left abruptly one day and never returned. She moved and blocked any and all contact with our family. This was shortly after the sudden and tragic loss of my brother to suicide. The next 2 1/2 years are a blur of grieving, discovering a hidden addiction, sadness and tragically another loss. I can’t begin to tell you the sleepless nights, the tears, the searing pain, the accusations and hatred that flowed. All of it unhealthy and unproductive. There were some days when I questioned if I had enough strength to endure another court date, another kick in the gut. I just kept praying. I would write and cry. I would plead with God and my son to guide me on this journey. I lay awake some nights alone, feeling so abused and punished. I desperately fought to be a part of this child’s life, my beloved son’s baby girl. He never got to enjoy her or father her. He lost his own life to an overdose. He lived in addiction, pain and suffered everyday without her. I…her Nana, desire to just… love her. She is the most precious, adorable little girl. She resembles him so very much, I still am in shock and in awe of that.
This past Sunday, out of the blue, her mother contacted us to meet our granddaughter. We were reunited with our precious little girl! I still feel shocked. It was like a dream really. I still can see her smile and her sweet disposition. She literally smiled the entire visit and warmed to us almost immediately. Praise be to God. I’ve had a whole congregation praying for us. I wrote volumes of letters to this little girl. I vowed to myself, my family, and mainly to and for my son. I would do everything I could to bring her back to us. To make her part of our family. I vowed to do what my son could not. Just when I was beginning to lose hope. Almost a year of being ignored, and battling the mother just for visits. I was repeatedly humiliated, accused, disrespected. It felt like a Springer episode in family court. It drained me each time. I was so sad and confused. Then…a miracle happened. I hope we have more visits. I hope she meets our extended family and wiggles that absolutely adorable wiggle dance she does when she gets excited. I hope she feels an abundance of love and safe and spoiled and special. Because she is. I once called her, our little drop of hope. I remember rocking her in her nursery. Listening to her sweet sighs and caressing her perfect, silky skin. She was perfect and precious. We had just suffered a horrible tragedy, losing my brother Tom, and she was this little ray of sunshine and hope. Anna Lisa, I prayed for you. I longed for you. I grieved for you. Now you are here! …hopefully, to stay and play and rejoice in the miracle of love & family. I long to see you again, and stare at you in awe. I hope to laugh and play and love you all over again.
~love, your Nana <3

Tiny drop of Hope <3

Fair, pale skin. Golden wispy curls
Big Eyes like saucers, just like he
Vibrant and happy, sparkling & giddy
God, so very much like you
She shines and she wiggles ever so cute
She is tender, gentle, sweet, like you
Wrapping her little chubby fingers around mine
My heart melted, just like the day I held you for the first time
& I smile inside, for the first time in awhile
That part of her that is you, is so very precious
I can feel you around her, around us. Thank you God.
I promised and vow to love her. For you, for me
forever my son. Thankful.
I look up to the heavens and hope you can see
That love is truly eternal, tis how I will honor thee