A sabbatical & some healing

Hello world!  Thought I checked out? Naaah, just a little sabbatical, and a get a way to a quiet, peaceful place. I planned this trip about 4 months ago. I was in a great state of grief. I was determined to unite my husband with his younger brother.  We both lost our brothers, his 3 years ago, mine 4 months ago. It was important for a myriad of reasons. For me, it was to see my soul sister in Florida and be able to connect and heal my brain, my broken heart, my soul on that beach.  I also knew, the husband had a slight plane phobia. I took the chance he would get over it.  He did.

The flight went smooth. The weather was beyond heavenly. When I entered my suite on the beach, I felt peace instantly. My friend, blinged out that apartment like a 5 star penthouse. She thought of absolutely everything. Even toothpicks! I texted her a message.  I have never had someone do something so special and beautiful for me, in my entire life.  I felt very loved and cared for. We spent 3 glorious days and nights on the island. Each day, more beautiful than the last. Could this be real? I awoke at dawn, and found my serenity and my God. I walked for miles, alone, because I wanted too. I photographed everything, and prayed a lot. I cried and prayed and pleaded with God to hear my cries. To protect my family, who I worry about constant. I asked for God to cleanse me, and heal my grieving soul. It was good. It was exactly what I envisioned for the last 4 months. We travelled up the coast and met my husband’s family and spent a few days at a beautiful resort on the beach.  Again, each day, was picture perfect. We enjoyed all the amentities, laughed a lot, again, it was so good. I tried several times to speak about my brother’s suicide.  How this journey, my grief had encompassed my brain, my soul. What flawed me, stunned me, is that not one person could speak a word. Well, actually, my friend’s boyfriend said these words “these things happen ya know”. Do I know?  He must be at a loss for a word. Yeah, I know, it happened to our family. I remained in a state of shock and realized he had no clue. Nobody has a clue, until you suffer a loss from suicide. Not one person could comment. Awkward silence, head looking down. I’m getting this now, this is the “stigma”, and I am now part of the survivor clan. Perhaps me seeking support groups and spiritual guidance was a good move.  I am grateful that I have those meetings,  & survivors of  a loss from suicide support groups. I can freely talk and speak about my brother Thomas. It’s important for me, for his memory, for our family to heal. I am trying to let go of my frustration about how people react. Simply, they freeze and can’t react. It’s too weird. My new world isn’t so defined anymore. Once you suffer a tragic death, it forever effects you. It effects the relationships you have and the one you sadly lost. It hurts, all we need is a warm, soft hand. A gentle, yet strong heart that allows me to scream, to question, & to cry. We just need to hear, I am so sorry, and I am here for you.  I never get that. Yet, I crave it every single day.  It isn’t easy to swallow. For now, I seek it in strangers. Yet, they aren’t strangers, they are part of the “clan” too.  People who walk the journey before you, are the best guides, the softest souls, because they once were in that identical darkness, grief.  You can’t help but have flashbacks, memories do flood back. Each day on the beach, I felt his spirit with me. I thought, how fucked up is this Tom??  We should be here together, planning a boating trip or bbq, but instead,  I am designing your headstone. Talk about a reality check! There it is.  SO live in today, and enjoy every drop, every moment you can grasp.  This life, offers no promises. But it does allow us to heal, to dream and to move forward, if we want too. Your journey  is taking your first step.  Love & Peace xxx ~ leeleeDSC05507

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