a tiny drop, our hope

This post, I thought long and hard about writing today. Honestly, the whirlwind of emotions, the chaotic and at times painful process I was involved in, was very stressful & difficult to navigate. I even questioned myself, my decision to pursue a petition in court to seek visitation of our estranged granddaughter. You see, along with the pain and trauma and anguish of losing our son Michael to addiction, I was also dealing with him losing custody of his baby girl. Without getting into major detail, due to his drug use, the court had ruled for the mother to have full custody. Sadly, tragically, he never would gain that back. She, the mother of his child, fled and severed all contact with our family. I often described it as another loss. We bonded and drooled over this perfect tiny girl for 2 months in our home. In a blink, she was gone. She nor the mother, ever returned. I was forced to pursue the battle in court. Ironically, I filed a petition the day before my son overdosed. I was ordered to appear just a couple of weeks after that. I honestly, do not know how I mustered the courage or strength, perhaps LOVE does conquer all.
It was not easy. None of it ever is. The mother did not want us to bother her, to become part of this baby’s life. She has her reasons, I am sure, but, so do we. One day, I was leaving court. She would not speak or acknowledge me. She didn’t even offer her condolences. I left heartbroken and I was in deep grief. I drove out of the parking lot and looked up to the skies and at that moment, perhaps a leelee moment, I felt a shift inside my heart. I vowed to my son. I will do what you so badly wanted, but could not conquer here. I will find a way to your baby. I will teach her, love her and tell her all about her Daddy who loved her. No matter what it takes, that is what I would focus on. She would know you existed. She would learn how much you loved her, held her and was in awe of her. I never looked back after that. I just stood strong and proud and kept showing up.
Five months later, we are due to start a trial for visitation. Simply due to the fact that she would not budge, speak, or negotiate. I obtained a lawyer and was ready to plead my case. I showed up with my Army of strong, loving women. My sister, sister in law and daughter. We were determined. I was told to remain calm, keep my composure and call in my angels and spirit guides. After all, I wasn’t running the show! I wasn’t the one making the decision. God already had his plan. I just had to have faith in him. I tried my best to believe.
There was some drama, some accusations, my lawyer even told me at one point she had fled, left the courthouse? My nerves, adrenaline…well, you can imagine. I feared the worst. I mostly feared for my Granddaughter. It turns out, she didn’t “flee”, she was clean and finally her lawyer negotiated a starting point for visitation. She decided to allow me and my husband to see the child. A couple of hours, at a park, beginning on Father’s Day, no less. I stood there in shock. We did not have to sit and give testimony. We did not have to rip each other apart. We did not have to suffer and relive the nightmare of losing my Son and his baby? I had to pinch myself a few times. Life is not easy. In fact, it has been a whirlwind of disappointment and loss. This baby is our little drop of hope. This child is a part of my beloved, beautiful child. Perhaps, this is the start of something beautiful and rewarding. I vow to remain civil and focus on the truth here. We only wish to love, to spoil, to enjoy this child. She is the most precious gift we could have of my son. I realize, she is left here without her Father. I plan on loving her as much as she allows me too. I can only hope he is watching us, every step of the way. I pray he continues to guide me, as I have asked him each day. God, I miss him here, beyond what words can express. I am grateful today for enduring this battle. Only good came come of it now.

Love & Light~
Hope Remains….<3 in honor of my son Michael Anthony.

love you to the moon & back

Mamabear <3 xxx

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