I awoke early, too early. The husband can be quite loud and abrupt at 4am. I know how important SLEEP is….it heals the brain, it heals the body. It allows us to escape the harsh realities, it is crucial for recovery and healing. Unfortunately, once I am awakened suddenly, the thoughts are rapid, they are instantaneous, Tom and Anna Lisa. I often feel, that I am dreaming of them. My subconscious has to be working overtime. They are the first thought and the last thought everyday. I have adjusted to this. Loss, grief, the emptiness you feel inside daily. I describe it best by an overwhelming sadness. I am acutely aware, that the sadness is deep in my heart. I know the term…”heartbroken”, I have felt that pang a few times in my life. I guess what I am trying to describe is a physical pain. The heart yearns to love. It was installed inside us to accept love and most of all give love to others. When you lose someone who you deeply love in your heart, it feels like a painful jagged piece is hurting. The heart is wounded. It beats, but your sadness, grief makes it heavier. It is now scarred, bruised and wounded. I pray and ask God, to please lift the burden, the sadness, the heartbreak. I am striving daily to function more normally, gently and efficiently. The pressures of work, home and the custody battle of our granddaughter have taken it’s toll on all of us. The pain and loss so acute, I can barely allow myself to talk about it. I forced myself to emotionally detach. The mind can only process so much stress. I often think to myself…how was Thomas feeling?. My faith pulls me up, boosts my spirit and I rise, everyday. I lean heavily on support groups and fellowships for healing and grace. I remember to thank God everyday. I pray to him everyday, to protect, guide and watch over my family. I still worry incessantly about everyone, fully knowing, I have little or no control over their choices and decisions. I can only focus on my journey and be supportive and present and hopefully, loving and kind.
The last few days have been tough. I received some news regarding my son’s custody battle. I hurt for my son. I feel defeated and I haven’t even begun to fight. I am disappointed and saddened by all of it. The hardest thing being, I have no control whatsoever. I am too emotional to battle unstable people who we were nothing but kind and open too. I have no choice but to give this up to God and pray for the best outcome and support my son the best that I can. I try and counsel my son, and guide him best I can, the rest will be up to him. In the meantime, even though I don’t speak your name much, I can’t bear to look at your picture and I miss you every single day, Anna Lisa, you are loved & missed and prayed for daily. Nana adores every single ounce and inch of you, from the moment I held you, I melted. My beautiful, perfect, precious baby.
I strive and push myself everyday to be “ok”. I don’t ask or seek anything but inner peace and wholeness. Some days, are steeper, harder, rockier. I know, those are the days, I must push harder. I joined a grief study program last week. It is a pretty intense “grief class”. Work book and all. I have mixed emotions about committing to this 13 week course. For one, I need it. Secondly, it is church based, good for the soul. Thirdly, Jesus is there, listening. Forth, Church ladies are nurturing, loving and gentle. I miss my Mom. I’m a foster daughter, I’ll take what I can get today. Lastly, I yearn to connect with people on a deeper level. I am gravitating in different circles of others grieving and that surrounds me with support and a deeper understanding of my faith. One day at a time. I am getting there. Lots of bumps and cliffs even, but I haven’t fallen yet. I have a big mountain to climb ya know.
I continually ask for prayers. I don’t know if someone, you, anyone is praying for us right now, I sure am. I pray for others daily too. It gets me through, makes me feel centered, loved. I will lift my troubles and woes up to God. He tells me to do so. Thank you for stopping by today.
Love & Peace ~ leelee