His light

Good Morning. It has been peaceful this morning. I am feeling thankful, perhaps even grateful for the moments. It feels damn good to type that. I feel like I may be breathing almost normal again. It is like a gift. I have been loyal to my soul. I have been through more heartache than I can ever remember. My faith, my God has got to be driving. I can even say, he has lifted me and carried me. I was so afraid of that level of grief and fear. My biggest fear was I would not be able to sustain and recover. My family was not in the same place. My siblings, they seem to be quite rational and matter of fact about my brothers suicide. I was suspended. The pain was intense, the anguish was emotional torture.  I reached out, I got support. My church and a survivor group has helped me cope.  I researched support online. The Grief Toolbox, a website has been a daily healing and connection for me. I read 10 books about suicide. I yearned for my mind to wrap around this mental illness. I struggle. I understand somewhat, yet, I believe, for me, I will never understand his sudden choice. That only leaves me the choice of acceptance. To make peace with his choice, make peace with him leaving us. It is not an easy journey. I still yearn to speak to the experts, who can shed light on my inability to accept and understand.  My journey is mine. For the first 2 months, I craved love and comfort. I didn’t receive much of that, people shy away, they don’t speak about it (his death), they don’t speak about Tom.  They comment how they are truly “shocked” and can’t really “believe it”.  My family preaches and we talk a lot about Tom. Who he was, how he was, why he chose to die. Memories of childhood, still quite painful. I barely can look at his picture, still. I go to his home and sit with his wife. She is quiet, and does not dwell nor speak of his death. I stare outside, the snow and ice melted. I glance at his backyard. He just finished the most beautiful renovation. Hammered into one of the bar beams is “Y”. A metal, sturdy initial. My heart breaks instantly. The next day, I was browsing my favorite antique store and I came across a key chain  “Y”. A little sign perhaps? I sure hope so, it made me feel connected, close. 

I came across this passage today, a website that I LOVE, it is called Begin with Yes…and he is a wonderful writer.  Let me share his post with you:


Some paths we suddenly find ourselves walking are overwhelming and shake us to our very core. There is nothing we or anyone else can do to make it go away and we feel frightened, alone and powerless. But even then, in our darkest, most alone, moment there is a glimmer of light and somehow we keep moving. And the truth is that each one of us has faced or will face devastating loses and heartbreak when we wonder how will we ever go on. But we do the best we can, one small step, one tiny step at a time and we focus on that light and even though we may be shaking, we hold steady. And then one day, months, maybe even years later we realize that it was actually the “getting through” part that deepened us and gave us the capacity to be that glimmer of hope and light for others. And the circle it goes round and round.

I am in the circle, surrounding myself with healing and light and support. My journey is long, and emotional and life changing. I’m in it thick. So thick, I need some big rubber boots! But, I am strong enough now, to pull myself UP and look forward. Live just in today, and grasp any measure of gratitude and hope I can. I see the glimmer of hope and light and I will chase it, for you…for Tom.

Love & Blessings to you  ~leelee

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