In your garden…

Good Morning:

I stopped over your house. It looks exquisite as always. The snow has melted, the buds are up and you are not there. I walked around the yard with Ryan, he bought beautiful lilies and dahlia’s for your gardens. He dug the hole and we planted.  She, walked quietly behind us. I could sense her sadness and pain.  My mind was beginning to play a trick or two on me. I was abit afraid to step into the garage. I felt I would see something of yours. I looked at the big gates, and pictured you walking thru one, a rake or shovel in hand. It’s what you loved to do, garden, landscape, decorate. It shows, it’s breathtaking.  My heart sinks, I miss you so much. We sat on your porch and soaked up the sun for awhile. She doesn’t speak of you. They do not say your name. It must be too painful to go there. I glance at the wall and see a beautiful engraved stone, someone gave her. It reads…Gone by not forgotten. It is surreal Tom. My heart wishes, pleads within me, I wish you stayed. It shakes me, every time I go to your home.  I imagine you there, then not there, the heart breaks often, it is something I must learn to accept and grieve. Perhaps, 3 months isn’t enough time to accept your death. She told me that day. He is gone, he is not coming back. She is struggling, facing reality, she is now alone, without you. We both know, her & I, that life did not stop for you. That everyone, everything, still moves forward. It catapults us into the future, even when we want to dwell and grieve in the past.  For survivors of suicide loss, the feeling that we can still grow, love, discover, make memories, it consumes our mind.  That broken piece missing, how can this be? The harsh realities of death. The never ending questions in my mind, how did you not see this beautiful existence? This beautiful life and how the world adored you? The moment we see a second of beautiful, we remember you. The moment I hear your granddaughter speak, giggle and run, I think of you. The moment I pull up to your beautiful home, my heart pains me. I want you back. I want you to be at peace, I want what our lives were 3 months ago. The reality is, you are gone and I feel so much alone.

I force myself to breathe, to move forward. I honor you daily, pray daily and in my own little way, keep you alive in my heart, daily. I walked the boardwalk yesterday with my daughter. It was the most beautiful day. I noticed everyone was spending family time on the beach, together. I was moved by all the couples, happily holding hands and strolling. The children thrilled to be out in the fresh air, running and laughing.  Sons, daughters, parents, grandparents, all together, sharing the beautiful day.  There now is a dark hole, deep in my soul. There is no repairing it, filling it. The day you died, I knew, it would be there, that hole, forever. Today, I secretly pray you hear me. You can sense my love & grief and comfort me in some way. I strive just to see a moment of beauty and be present and aware of it.

By chance, Tom, if you can hear me, read me. Please pray for my son today. He has been through so much, struggling, and trying to stay afloat.  If you can pray for his daughter, for us, we need the love & prayers today. In the meantime, remember I love you always, to the moon & back again.


~ leelee

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