It’s been awhile…huh
Good Morning, beautiful day. I thought it might be nice to check in, check out. My last post was in July. It feels like I haven’t blogged in a year. Some days, I wake up and my mind rewinds and then it stops. Some days, mostly this last year is a blur. A hazy, fuzzy, mish mosh of moments that turn into days, that turn into months. For those who read, you are well aware. I spent the last 7 months drowning in deep grief. I certainly prayed for it to be lifted. Part of it certainly has. I spent the last 7 months in prayer. Sometimes, several times a day. I spent the last months in support groups, counseling,researching, reading, writing, journaling, sharing and grasping every ounce of support I could find. It has helped. Prayer has been my healer and guidance. God continues to comfort and heal. I have learned so much through this journey. I have learned so much about Lee Lee. The hardest lesson by far has been, we can only control ourselves. We can control how we react, or how we don’t react. We can control what we say and what we do. The rest my friends, is out of our control. This in itself is a daily challenge. It is like reprogramming your brain to react differently. I may not do it perfectly, but self awareness, acceptance of what you can not control or change is a work in progress. Because I am a mother, I assumed responsibilities. I was accountable for another human beings welfare, care, nurturing. I take my role, my mothering very seriously. It’s instinctual as a Mother to protect. We are also the first one to know when something is amiss. I shared some of these challenges in previous posts. I was never so terrified and distraught in my life. The devastating part, my instincts were right. I swear, I have never wanted to be so wrong.
I would be lying if I didn’t admit I wish I could erase, rewind the last year of my life. Like a do over, a remix, a magic eraser that would restore the life, the girl, the leelee I was before. Cher sang a catchy tune a few years back….”If I could turn back time”…yeah, I get it, I just can’t. We can’t. The lessons we learn over and over again. Life is not a dress rehearsal, you don’t get a retake or a rewind. The thing is…Life goes on. No matter what. With or without you. Perhaps, for awhile, I did not want that to happen. I realize now, it was too painful, too tragic to look ahead. It was disloyal to plan a future, to dream about good things. The main reason was my brothers death. It was simply too painful to picture any future without him next to me, with us, near us. Life without him seemed unbearably painful and sad. It takes time to allow the grief to lift, to soften, to heal us. In many ways, it still hurts, daily even, but it will and does lessen. Acceptance of his suicide took time to even process. The steps in grief are not easy. They are hurdles, each one we overcome in our time, in our own way and place. I have been seeking refuge, peace, serenity and some sort of clarity. A journey within. I do it alone. I slowly started to reach out, find support where I was comfortable sharing my grief. I booked excursions to every beautiful beach I love. I visited friends and family and collected shells and stones. All the while, deepening my faith. Spending that time alone, long walks on the beach. Many sunrises and sunsets that made me cry, weep and miss him so much. I allowed the tears to fall. Tears are cleansing, it is ok to cry. I sought waterfalls and nature and simple walks with my daughter or a friend. They heal me daily, they lift me and hug me. Softly, they remind me of this beautiful life, this gift of today. Support and friendship and fellowship is so very important during this journey. Seek it whenever you can. It helps. My point is simply this. Even if your life right now feels like a movie (maybe with a bad ending) or, even if you are feeling overwhelmed and sad. There is a purpose. There is a beginning and a middle and hopefully the end will be your growth and acceptance. We are constantly changing. The secret is to be open to it, to look for the lesson, the purpose, the message and move forward to it. I shared about leaning into the grief, the pain. It was more about not dancing around it, or medicating it, or denying it. I consider myself quite direct. Perhaps that is how I tackle things. I’m ok with it. It is part of who I am. The same lesson applies to life. We are only promised one. We don’t know what our fate is. Our health, our duration here on earth. None of that is a given. It simply is a gift of today. When you wake up and pray and find the simple abundance in this day, you find gratitude. Gratitude lifts you to another dimension. You rise above the pain, you are no longer stuck in yesterday’s or the past. It is a very steep climb. Sometimes life is steep. Climb. You will not regret that you tried. You will only regret if you don’t.
My goal eventually is to transform this blog into my little sanctuary of hope and gratitude. To get to a place of teaching and sharing the things leelee loves. I am blessed to have so much to share. I am slowly getting there. I am in no rush, but my goal is to premier the beauty and love surrounding me. The moments that simply fill me, interest me, inspire me. “Lee Lee Moments” of course! I am excited to share them all with you. One day at a time please. Love & Blessings to all <3 xxx