March madness

Good Morning from snowed in New York. We got the most beautiful, pure, white snow Thursday. I watched it slowly fall, it lingered way past it’s time, and I loved every moment of it. I allowed myself to photograph it’s natural beauty and untouched perfection. The flakes were steady, from when I awoke and it magnificently remained that way until darkness. I for the first time alone in 2 months, stared into the snow for hours. I watched it quietly blanket my world and meditated and prayed for my loved ones.  I noticed I did not focus on the 2 month mark.  I was secretly proud of myself. No one else seem to speak about Thomas.  I am catapulted into the “living”, constantly. The first thing I took note of after my brother died was frightening to me. Everyone around us was still “living”. They didn’t appear to be in  “slow-mo”. They were laughing and joking and breathing. These last 2 months for me. It was like I took a deep breath and I couldn’t let it go. I secretly worried  about everyone around me. Please drive safe. Call me when you get home. Please slow down. Please eat something healthy. Please go to the doctor. I  worried enough for the entire nation. I’m a Mother; that’s just what we do.  In the interim, I secretly prayed for alone time. Just with me, with him, his spirit. My grief needed space. My heart needed to be held.  I was reading an article someone shared at church. It talked about how our brains kind of protect us during a sudden tragic loss. It went on to say, You will be driving and completely pass the exit. You might even forget where you were going.  The article reassured the reader that the initial shock often closes off our brain waves and the simplest of tasks are hard to remember! This is not my first rodeo, I’ve been here, many times, I know the “drill” sorta speak.  I admit my work keeps me occupied and distracted. I am grateful to have that. I have a toolbox of therapeutic remedies and I have my God. I’ve learned through the years, tears cleanse, they hurt, but so very important to allow. I’ve learned to pray and ask God to carry my grief with me. I pray everyday, that my whole family is together, in heaven, waiting for us. I picture my Mother, holding my brother and my heart breaks all over again. The process is hard. The love is eternal. I read scripture and I play my hymns, and I feel God around me and that miracle of faith comforts me.  Thanks be to God.

A week from today, March 14th, in Amityville, NY, friends of my brother and his wife will host a benefit held in honor of my brother Thomas. My brother has good friends, they are fundraising for his family. He was loved and admired and adored by many. I forever will adore him…. that is one thing that doesn’t change…. This week marked “2” months since he left the physical world.  I often share this thought; I would do anything to rewind 8 weeks ago, how in one second, one precious moment our lives change. Fragile, momentary. Don’t take today or any day for granted.  Make it matter, and most of all share your LOVE, your kindness, your charity with someone.  I leave this post with a heart felt thought

Cherish <3  today.

love & peace to you ~ leeleeFaith


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