moments & making memories without you

Good Morning. I awoke with a purpose today. After a very long, and often lonely few months, my family will be joining us all here on Long Island for Tom’s granddaughter’s 4th birthday party.  We all made a special effort to be there for Callie and Tom’s daughter. The party will be hosted at my brother’s home. My siblings have not been there since he died. Tomorrow marks 5 months since he took his life. Five fucking grueling months of deep grief, sadness, confusion, worry and all the other emotions that suffocate you after a suicide. I work through them daily. I am aware of my anxiety today. I am anxious, excited, scared, and reflective all in one. I miss my brother’s and sister. They do not live near me anymore. We talk daily, and they have all been working through the grief,  dealing with their own issues and their family issues…it is fair to say, our family has issues. They all have been a good support, loving and we are all privately hurting and slowly dealing. Mostly, I miss my brother Thomas. The thoughts in my head  all week, semi dreading, grateful to see my family, how can we do this without him? All of that jazz, running around in my head. I grieve his choice, that split second insane decision to die. It has changed us all, forever. All week, knowing that he won’t be hosting today, it is painful, surreal, vacant. I am thrown into this wall, day after day…The stage of acceptance. It’s accepting he is not here anymore. That beautiful soul, missing. The journey of letting someone go in your mind, in the physical world, working towards building a life without him in it with me. I can’t run to him, call him, laugh or be with him physically. I talk to him, pray to him every single day, I tell him how much I love him & miss him. I do. It hurts. That grief does not ever leave my heart, gone way too soon it whispers constant.  I feel this part of grief is the hardest climb. The steepest hurdle. The reality appears daily and you busy yourself to the point of exhaustion, just not to think about him too much. As each milestone, occasion unfolds, he is in my thoughts. When I go to his home, the anxiety and sadness increase. The tape plays…in my head. You should Be HERE, not there. That feeling increases when I am around his wife and kids. I deal with it, I love them and they are all hurting too.

His beautiful granddaughter will have a fun filled 4th birthday today. Balloons, cake, friends, games, toys, presents and everyone who adores and loves her will celebrate our great niece. She was Thomas’s sunshine. She followed him everywhere. They had a morning routine. Her mom would drop her off and Pop and Callie would pick out the outfit for pre school. He would dress her and get her ready for her big day. She told me one day. I was laying in bed with Poppy and he was singing the Frozen song! He sang the wrong words! He was so funny. When Tom died, she recited. Pop is up in the sky, he is in heaven.  I cried. The other day she told me. Poppy died. I was shocked. Then she said, I miss him a lot. So do I….I told her. 3 years old, we often wonder how much she will remember of him. We all realized that the world of social media, videos, pictures is how she will remember him,  they are now her memories. I will forever wish, and then grieve, that as we continue to make memories, he is absent from us, a piece of our unity and center is shattered. That is what suicide does ya know, it shatters the survivors. It is a painful journey to recover from. He is for me…. Forever loved, forever missed, especially today.  Later tonight, I plan on igniting Chinese lanterns, with messages written on them and sending them “up in the sky” to heaven, to Thomas.   Peace* to all



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