Moving towards hope & love

Hello world! I know you’re smiling, tis Friday people. A very good day for leelee. The week has had it’s challenges, story of leelee moments & as of late, my new life.  I say “new” because people would assume, new is a positive, bright future. I can’t claim that today. I can only say for certain, a mother’s intuition, my gut, the one thing that has sustained, guided, and has continually confirmed or clarified so many things in my life. I can recall having this feeling even as a young kid. At first, I did not pay much attention to this churning, persistent feeling.  It is subtle, this intuition, sixth sense, psychic connections if you will.  I tell a story of how I inherited it from my Mother.  I feel like I was born with it. I’ve learned to listen and hone in on the signs of my deep intuition. A pull down deep in my belly. A haunting of sorts that tugs at my heart strings, and makes me re focus on subtle signs and feelings.  My mind receives signs, confirming my initial inner turmoil. I have learned and prayed to allow myself to accept and listen to my body and mind.  In all honesty, it has never steered me wrong. My Mom told me her Grandmother had it also. I don’t predict futures or speak to the dead. I just rely on what my gut is whispering.  Sometimes, it isn’t pretty or sunny or positive. Sometimes, it’s down right heart wrenching.

My intuition, gut, spirit guide, whatever the hell it is… has been poking me hard as of late. The grief and suffering have been heavy. I reflect now about my brothers suicide. I saw and felt many signs from my brother Thomas. I actually can recall the physical changes in him, a few days before his suicide. Subtle, perhaps, but prevalent for sure. Now they appear and I feel it to be haunting and chilling. His color, his vacant eyes and demeanor were upsetting.  I picked up on it weeks before at Christmas dinner. We didn’t chat or spend time alone that evening. I had a strong pull when I left that evening. I did not feel he was suicidal. I was concerned that he looked ill. He became silent, quieter, I did notice that. Then again, so did I.  I was feeling the disconnect. I attributed it to my son’s recent departure from his company. I let it go. The last time I saw my brother Thomas, he looked even paler, grey in pallor. He didn’t speak. He didn’t acknowledge my Granddaughters photo, he just stared and smiled. I now can look back and recall. My belly was churning, flip flopping, my mind racing with thoughts. Something was just not right. We didn’t get any time alone that evening either. When I left his home early, I was alittle perturbed,  I was alittle insulted, put off even! I remember thinking…Man, he really looks like shit and now he looks “shot”. Another pang, pull, deep churning, I ignored it again.  Three days later, he shot himself.  That is how blunt, how final and quick he ended. That choice silences me. That one moment of insanity, changed me, forever. We will never be the same person we once were. Once a loved one chooses death, plans death and succeeds, it changes who we are forever. With God’s grace and support, I am slowly surfacing. I am slowly awakening and feeling the sunlight and the soft breeze. I allow the grief to come. I acknowledge it and cry for him, to him. Then…I let it go. I write a lot. The sparks fly like a bonfire, my heart pouring, my truest of pain and suffering, I splatter the words on my pages and I cry. I feel like I am on a continuous ferris wheel. The truth is…I LOATHE rides, high velocity, spinning, ugh! What I have learned is to dig in deep. Reach out, grasp support and steal every moment of peace and serenity I can.  I have learned to live in a moment again. This blog, my little secret. “leelee Moments” was created because I treasure and cherish this beautiful world, planet, life.  I wanted to share those special moments, memories, milestones and inspirations with all of you. This journey has taken many twisting turns as of late. Real shit, how whack it all got in a blink.

Five months ago….I celebrated the birth of our first grandchild Anna Lisa. It has been 4.5 months since we have had any contact with the our little granddaughter or the mother. We grieve everyday. Perhaps, one day this will change.  Five months ago, my brother Thomas took his life. The world remained dark and sad everyday. I miss him, love him everyday. Five months ago, I reached a milestone of 100 lb weight loss. I am still losing and feeling really good.  Five months ago, I found out my son was a drug abuser/addict. No one else believed me at the time. My gut told me different. Five months later, he has struggled, and now seems to want help. I am curious to see what I write about five months from now…the hope and faith inside me, that little pull…tug…is saying. It’s going to be good leelee. So, for today, I will go with that.  I remind myself…One Day At A Time leelee. That’s all we can do today.   Love & peace to you~


~ leeleegut instincts

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