One moment in time…

Good Morning to all. I awoke this morning knowing the rains were coming. The thought of no ice or snow is positive and hopeful. Today, however, is a more solemn day. A day I have prayed on, meditated, and supported.  Today, the friends of my beautiful brother Tom will host a benefit in his honor for his family.  I love that this blog gives my tongue muscles, and I often ponder and hesitate to pen anything offensive, or insulting. It is only 9 weeks since my brother died. He took his own life on a freezing cold morning in January. I am barely breathing. That is what happens you know, you can barely remember how to breathe.  You really don’t want to without them. It is just past 2 months, I needed time, our family needed time to breathe and accept and deal with the aftermath.   I was informed of this event, his wife mentioned it to me and they started  Go-Fund website, friends rallied from day one.   This loving family & closest friends to she and Tom, they all want to honor and help his family. They are beautiful people with good hearts and good intentions.  The difficult part of this is, we had no input, therefore, my brother’s children were hurt in the process.  I have learned and continue to learn that some things are completely out of your control. It almost makes it easier, just let things be.

So Today, we “celebrate” honor, remember, love together at a restaurant/bar. A huge event with many donations, supporters and the generosity of strangers, giving their time, love and money to help. I get all that, and I am grateful and thankful for the outpouring of love & respect for Tom and his family. My husband and children and one of my siblings will attend today. I will do anything to support and love Tom. I miss him beyond words, everyday is difficult, but I search and pray for his light to shine. I talk to the dead, it’s crazy, but they all were my support. The glue, the top of the mountain has been broken. Little by little it has disintegrated, leaving shattered bits of sorrow and sadness, death does that to a person. I believe we are never ever the same after the loss of someone we loved so very much. I also came to this beautiful spiritual revelation. The reason you feel that deep sorrow and grief, is simply because you loved and cherished a love so deep, for your whole entire life. So there is a sad beauty in grief, it is honoring the eternal bond and love you shared.

I have once again challenged my brain.  I scoured the library for every up to date bio, study, stats, progress, treatment, documented cases, you name it,  about Suicide.  I want, I crave, my soul begs to KNOW. But, seriously? I want to know the “WHY”.. and in actuality, most of the studies and books will straight up tell you, you may never truly find  “IT”, the “why”, I mean…because that is what the survivor here is left with.  There is the essence and the raw harsh reality and tragedy of suicide. THEY choose to end, and leave the entire universe questioning the act and the reason.  I would say, the best I can find and seek would be peace with it and understanding of the human psyche and the breakdown that happens in ending yourself. I am reading about the diagnosis of psyche ache. At first, I didn’t understand this newly developed term,  mental diagnosis, but I was instantly drawn into knowing more about this state of mind, what happens to a brilliant brain, down deep I felt this could very well be what my brother was in, fighting, battling, untreated,  right before his decision. I know, this is some  Deep shit, but I’m in for the long haul. Knowledge for me is power, and knowledge gives me clarity and reason and acceptance of what is and what we have no control or power to change. Clinically, I process things easier, from a clinical, medical, studied standpoint. My medical background and respect for  the mental health profession and science, gives me a glimmer of hope in understanding, maybe diagnosing the undiagnosed and the campaign of stopping the stigma and silence of suicide. We can relate to a sudden tragic suicide like Robin Williams, ponder it for awhile, but in the end does any living person truly know why that brilliant man hung himself? Why he made the choice that morning in his bedroom? I don’t believe anyone truly does, except himself.  Perhaps all I want is to understand as best I can, so I may go on living and making it beautiful again. The sorrow and grief, I allow it. I cry for him everyday. It never will go away, but I truly believe the pain will soften.

I,  as always, ask for continued prayers for my family. We are struggling, but we all our survivors, each one of us, all over this beautiful earth have survived something.  I ask Jesus to watch over my beautiful, amazing family and give us guidance and strength and peace in our hearts.  I want to be a loving child of God today, and share my profound respect and love for Thomas. Pray with me, that we all can hold on to each other and get through one more day.   Thank you for being here, these posts are not easy, but so very essential and necessary in my healing and grieving process.  Blessings*  to you and yours  ~leelee

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