Return to sender….

Where do I begin? Easy and gently. That is where I’ve lived for the past 6 months. Inside my head, at least. I focus on being soft, loving, self compassionate, centering, meditative state of mind. Working through grief takes time. As much time that you need to process and accept. So, my unplanned sabbatical from blogging just happened. My journey, my shift, my new life needed time to root and I needed to sit in my new place for awhile and figure it out. Rolling with the punches as they say. Btw, it’s totally OK to get off the roller coaster for awhile. It’s ok to check out and heal the heart and find what is good for your soul. It’s ok to take time away from everything and everyone and figure it out. I’m so glad I did. I passionately threw myself into volunteer work, support groups, grief and wellness therapy, salt caves & meditations. Church and finding peace and gratitude. All good stuff. All deeply needed to heal a grieving heart and to learn how to again light up my soul. During this “shift”, a few things happened. I lost my job a few months back in sales. It stung for a short time and I let it go. It was my most successful year in sales history for me. (shakes pompom), and I was riding that high from chasing money. We learn that money is just what it is; a means to survive and prosper. I remember that I skipped to my car, shocked and elated at the same time. I dreamed of the next year jobless! How dare I? How could I? It’s a fortune to live on this island! Who do I think I am??? But, I immediately noticed a peaceful, grateful heart lay beneath the almighty dollar. I felt, that maybe I could do things that I pushed aside. Reading, Netflix!, painting furniture!, Oh, AND organzing (Thanks be to Marie Kondo) you helped me burn off major anxiety for weeks! Oh gosh, my love for organization! New Books, podcasts!, documentaries.. the list is endless. THe most important one on the list is…. time… time for me. Me,! Leelee! seriously, what is that? Free to Travel, dream, cry, lay out, walk the shore, hike the woods! Most importantly, me and my writing. I had a list of 1000 things I dreamed of doing! #1 was, Writing my book. Telling my story. I stared at the blank page. I gave myself permission to write. To stand up and share my journey through grief. To be raw and honest about surviving a death by suicide and losing my child to Opiod addiction. I was told by everyone I met, write your book. Tell your very real, powerful, healing & very honest story of substance abuse and suicide. You can help others. I had volumes written in my head. I have dozens of journals that held my deepest grief and secrets. My journaling was my safe place to pour out my pain. It always has been my saving grace. So, I am gifting myself this time to write it. I am 500 pages or so in.. it’s coming, its happening. The most incredible gift is by me writing, my words, my truth, my journey and my spiritual growth.. sharing me with you.. I began to witness that my soul is healing with each page I pen. So painful at first… then the healing begins and transforms you and I slowly find my peace and my center again. I keep reminding myself this one thing. If your book helps 1 survivor, you win. You make a difference. You live another day. So there is my legit excuse for not blogging or writing here.

A few other things happened…

So, like, my daughter fell in love & then they moved to Madrid! Yup, I know! She will Soon have a big church wedding to a lovely man in Italy. So, THATS Happening!! My bucket list & dream of visiting Italy has arrived! I credit my beautiful daughter for having the courage to fall in love. for taking a chance, for moving across the world and creating a loving, safe relationship and life with a kind sweet loving man. They will marry in his hometown, near Rome and we will join them there and celebrate them & their love with
JOY in our hearts. Love does heal. Our baby girl always, She is hope in a twinkly jar. She is my childhood dream, having a daughter to love & cherish. Her happiness and new life reminds me everyday that Love evolves and moves us forward. I genuinely look forward to celebrating her love & wedding.

reflections of you ~

Time moves us forward
life continues to march on
I sit and think of you above us
asking you to watch over her.

Our Love is present
even though you are not
Silent tears run softly
my heart whispers I miss you A lot
My soul knows you hear me


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