Self reflections, counting blessings….

It’s 10:am, this week has been a whirlwind. I am filled with thoughts today, tears flow easily. This happens time to time for me. I start to miss my parents. When stresses build and big decisions need to be made, I had always turned to them.  For support or good advice, a helping hand, a reassurance that I was making good choices, reaffirming that I was strong enough to handle whatever life is giving or taking from me. It truly was a lifeline, the closeness and trust me & my parents built. They afterall, raised 5 kids, took care of their parents and a lifetime of experiences, heartache, stress, yet they both stuck together and toughed it out. I would lean on my Dad to guide me and encourage me. I would lean on my Mom to comfort me and listen to my heart. They never waivered, their love was always stronger than anyone or anything. Trust is something that bonds your souls together. I knew 100%, they would never steer me wrong. I trusted their instincts and in turn, it made me trust my own.  It taught me how to express myself, to communicate and to listen. I try to instill this in my own children. Somehow, I feel like I haven’t accomplished that.  I can still hear my father consoling me, encouraging me…saying “you know what to do, just do it”. My mom had a softness about her. I just knew she always wanted the best for me. She would constantly tell me, how gifted and loving and intuitive I was. She was certainly my biggest “Fan”. She would quietly tell me how proud she was of me, how inspired she was BY me. She would reflect and tell me, Lisa Marie,  I didn’t do half the things you do on a daily basis. You work, take care of your family, you go to college, you write, & you drive all over! (she had a great fear of driving, although she white knuckled it for years). They built me up, adored me, spoiled me, and most of all they believed in ME.  Somedays, when I am driving, I meditate and memories and flashbacks come to me. Gone are the days I could escape and fly over to their house and sit and drink coffee and talk about really deep, important stuff. I respected their opinions, I felt protected and cherished. My safe haven, it centered me. Now, it will soon be 4 years since my mom died, I am forced to make big decisions all on my own. My journey is long. I spent years grieving my father. It cut me deeply, it still does I suppose. When my mom died suddenly, I was forced to deal with family estate issues. It tore us apart, it changed everything I knew. Now I realize, it will never be the same. It severed relationships, and took its toll on all of us.  I constantly see a vast hole in the middle of our family. They appear “missing” and my siblings are separated and our relationships changed and most of all, my relationship with my sister is non existent. I think about her all the time. I am ashamed to admit this, but I can’t get past what she became over the years, someone I couldn’t trust. I trusted her with my life. The pain is still there. I have never even gotten an apology. I don’t think the apology would heal us. Again, I am torn and ripped apart with emotion and sadness. I have not changed, I took care of my mother for 7 years in my home, my priorities are different, perhaps they always were. I am grateful they raised me to be strong and loving. Forgiveness is not something my parents did easily. I am trying to be better than that.  I focus on being a better mom, wife, co worker, friend. I don’t compare myself to others, I simply am blessed to have all that I have and love. Keeping it simple, knowing full well, the grass is NOT greener on the other side…although sometimes it does look pretty damn green & plush. I am no fool. I want to live and show my children how to live “real”, mostly to be true to yourself first, be kind, be a giver, to enjoy the very simple things and be healthy .I preach constantly that no amount of money will ever bring you the happiness that dwells inside you. I hope they listen and hear me. I will always support them, and encourage them to be independent and to strive to be more…not have more.  I just quoted my father again, perhaps he still dwells and lives within me. If only I could sit and have a cup of coffee and shoot the breeze with him today…If only.  ~love & peace  leelee

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