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In memory of Thomas

Good Morning from chilly New York.   Sunday morning and all is quiet and solemn. I sit and reflect on the last  couple of months and I am achy and mentally exhausted. I attempted to listen to a spiritual message and sip some strong brew to get my brain function going. I say attempted, because honestly, I listened for 30 minutes and I do not recall hearing one word. My mind was elsewhere, as often now, I drift and relive the tragic and horror of my brother’s death. I am aware when I visit his wife and family, that I develop some anxiety. As I make the drive to his home, memories flood my mind, reality hits me instantly. I know he will not be there.  I come loaded with groceries and raviolis. This is what I do. This is where I feel somewhat useful. I try and give and be present. My brother left swiftly. He left abruptly and he certainly did not have his affairs in any sort of order. He left a mess, a trail, a tragic web of financial burdens and loose ends.  It makes me sick when I see the aftermath. I knew there would be one for a long time.  When tragedy strikes, you have no other choice but to deal. What I have learned in my 1/2 century on earth.. IS…..it is How you Deal. My brother’s death just reaffirmed what I already knew. We all deal with various types of struggles. Life presents all of these things to us.  They come in so many forms. Personal, financial, marital, kids, career, family. When I analyze (and Lord knows I do this a lot)  I am meditating and praying and talking to God. I ask my brother every day, why did you choose to leave? To end it? I haven’t come up with a definitive answer. I say, I’m working on it, like solving a puzzle or a mysterious crime. I know in my heart, I will never get “THE” answer. He is unable to provide that for me. I am coming to terms in my heart. I am accepting that survivors of a loved one who takes their own life, are left with the ever burning, baffling question.  I go over and over the reasons. The reasons don’t add up and make sense of his choice.  The grief and sadness smother your heart. The reality is, he is gone from here and missed. Suicide leaves a wrath of darkness and unanswered questions. I console myself  repeating these words.  I can’t imagine how HE FELT at that moment.  Devastating and painful still.

In memory of my brother Thomas, his friends have come together to support his wife and 5 children. They set up a memorial fund in honor of Tom and are planning a fundraiser in March for his children in college and to help his wife. He left so abruptly, just shy of 56 years, his passing has left them all wounded and scared. Yes, they considered him the “GLUE” that held them together. Tragic and surreal, here we are. If you are able to donate, please click on the link and Thank you all for your love & support. Please keep the prayers coming.  Peace and love to you all.


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