Tag Archives: surreal but real

In his memory….

Hello all. I welcome some Sunday serenity. If you are following, my brother Thomas’s benefit was yesterday. The pouring, drenching rain, swept across Long Island fierce.  We arrived at the restaurant and for me, it was surreal. I shared I felt that it was too soon to host any event.  Our grief is so new, we can barely find our old routines, function, remember or even feel like showing up for much. But we did it, me and my brother Anthony. He drove 5 hours to be there. He is quite amazing my baby brother. A PTSD surivivor of 9/11, a retired NYPD cop. He has attended many,  many fundraisers and memorials and benefits over the span of his 20 year career.  We held it together. For Thomas, for his wife and children.  Hundreds of friends attended. It was hard seeing them. The entire day, I kept looking at that front entrance…waiting…wishing…praying. You should be HERE, you should walk in this door. His friends shared many times yesterday, he would have LOVED this. Tom would have loved this party.  Perhaps, they are correct. I didn’t really have a response, perhaps it is because I haven’t fully accepted.  The moment I walked in, I kept playing the movie “Phenomenon” in my head!  I mean, honestly, it is in my top 5 of My all time favorites.  John Travolta stars in it, he has a rare brain tumor, Kyra Sedgwick one of my all time fav’s! At the end, they too host a George O’Malley celebration. Just like Tom’s. The irony, I guess, is that my brother chose to die, George didn’t.  The day for me was surreal, my grief, my sadness, it does not leave me. I asked the mean DJ to play one song. An hour later, I asked why he didn’t play it, he said he didn’t “have” it. Honest? With today’s technology, I was pissed that a simple download wasn’t even considered. So I pouted abit and bitched to my sis in law, and then I heard the first notes of Mike and the Mechanics…”in the living years”. Ahhhh, he relented and found it.  I love that song, it means a lot to me, several verses, they hit home for us. I listened and cried, I do that a lot nowadays. No big speeches, no words from his wife. Emotionally, I was spent, so I didn’t grab the mic. At the end of the day, a song plays and I see my brother Anthony and I collapse into his chest. It is too much ya know, for me anyway, the weight of his death. He held me close, he is all I got to hold me for now.  I love him so. The love in that restaurant, the energy, the amount of friendships and happiness my brother shared was enormous. I will never understand how he ever chose to die. Never.

I awoke this morning disturbed perhaps from a dream. The first thought was of George O’Malley.  He left a legacy, he left every ounce of his wisdom, thoughts, theories, revelations, inventions, everything! written down. He touched so many people while he was living and he rushed to “finish” everything he could, so he could leave it and pass it along on earth. The difference with Tom, he rushed to end a life of beauty and love and left a path of unfinished pieces and plans for his loved ones. I wept, so hard, for that is what my grief is about, a life cut short, purposely,  swiftly, in a blink. Devastating. Pray for him, for me today.

Truly, it was a successful, beautiful benefit. The generosity shows how much he was respected and loved. I noticed not one business partner showed. Not surprising, since they are hiding and avoiding his widow. His company/ partners have been a major disappointment to my family, perhaps they thought we would’nt notice? It’s about being human, compassionate, charitable. I am disappointed Tom’s partners and collegue’s  are none of those things.  It truly shows the people he chose to do business with never had his back and certainly were selfish and cold. They turned their back in an instant, focused on saving their own asses perhaps?. Oh well, again, not surprising, but I know one thing……what comes around goes around and they must live daily with  how they treated my brother, everyday. Business relationships can be toxic. I am proud that 100’s of people have shared their love and respect for Tom and how he conducted himself in business. He was well respected and admired by all his clients, I wish he would have truly known that. I console myself somewhat when his attorney and employees assure me that without Tom, they will crumble.  Who knows, all I know is what I lost…..him.

Life lately, is a rollercoaster. The ups and downs, more downs are harsh and exhausting. I was thinking to myself before, what will I feel in a year, or two years? What will I share here in this blog. I promise you hope, and love and inspirations. That is what leelee is about, I just NEED time to get back there again, a day at a time, a moment of clarity, a day of peace. I am crawling towards the light. I can feel the warmth of the sun. I hear the birds outside again, and I see this beautiful life waiting…..just hang in…I’ll get there. *peace ~leelee