a new day, a new year
Good Morning from unseasonably warm New York. Today, January 1st, it is supposed to feel a tiny bit like “winter”. I’m ok with all of it, warm, cold, snow. I love the sunshine a lot, I feel the rays radiate and heal me. I love the peace that engulfs me when I walk in the woods, nature unselfishly gives that to me. I inhale every “moment”, for that is all we truly have right? So, I read countless blogs about the “year in review” my top “moments of 2015”, all that good shit. I had a hard time conjuring up what I would contribute. What Epic moments could I share here with you? I struggled, felt uncomfortable, defeated in a sense. Yet, my words, my gratitude, my hearts desire pushed me here. I acknowledge that my heart is still beating although, this year, I felt it shatter, more than once or twice. I sit here this morning, in my warm kitchen, sipping a hot, strong cup of coffee, reflecting, meditating on thoughts and words that I struggle to put together and share here. I best express it all today with my “new life”. It is not one I ever even fathomed or would have chosen. It is the hand that I was dealt, still surreal to me. I have shared here before, that was the by far the most painful, heartbreaking year of my entire life. A huge part of me wants to celebrate and scream…well, IT”S OVER NOW, and the other grieving, broken part of me wants to scream…take it all back, rewind, redo, please? The crossroad, we all come to this, many times and in many ways in our lives. Clearly, each day, we wake up with a choice. To keep on living or to just exist. I wake up everyday, choosing to live. I meditate. I set a daily intention and I pray. I stretch and do my morning wake up Yoga and meditate for the day. I’ve shared this here before. I am astonished, shocked, this shit really works? Apparently, that whole mind, body, soul thing…it’s for reals.
I thought a lot about my mental lists. I could write a long list of what I lost, what I don’t have, what I lack, what I need to change, my fears or failures or what I have not accomplished, “yet”. The flipside, the real leelee, well she, now, is a bit kinder, gentler now. She doesn’t dwell on all that she lacks. She triumphs over tragedy and loss. She gains faith and strength and hope, every single day, simply because I choose that today. She is acutely aware of how tender a tiny rose bud is. How soft her sweet cat feels and softly purrs, content. She learned that by loving herself, nurturing her bruised heart, sharing her experience, strength and hope with others. It’s a daily process, finding your peace. The reality of life is, we all hurt, and the beautiful part of living is, we all can heal. There is no need to race to the finish line. There is no rush to be “cured” or over it. Each day, & yes, some are certainly better than others, we heal. The process and journey is a very difficult, a deep, steep, a very painful road. I learned to embrace it. The good, the bad and the ugly. I continually learn this reality…We really have no control over any of it. The hardest lesson of all by far. Letting go. So very hard. Time lessens the grief and sadness, but it truly never completely goes away. What does push and prod constant inside me is, …Life, simply goes on. My faith and my desire to love and laugh and pursue goals and bucket lists and to deepen my understanding and chase my dreams, that is always there, within me. It waits for me, so very patiently it waits…for me again, to tap into it, to explore and find that sunset, hike that path, photograph that butterfly or flower, hug someone tightly. That lives and reigns inside me today. That beauty is steps away, and love is endless and enduring. I’ve learned, that love transcends death. That is the healing I have prayed for. That is the long road and journey I have sought. I still have away to go. I still have moments of sadness and grief. My parents taught me to find the rainbow. They taught me to never give up, to be the best I can be. They taught me to love myself and the rest will fall into place. Many days, I just wish they were here to share it with me.
Wishing all of you love & peace, today and always