Hello God, it’s me leelee
Good morning, quiet Saturday. I dread writing this post. I avoided it all week. The truth is, who wants to share tragedy and trauma. No one I know, but I deeply understand it, and relate to it. I tried to envision my blog, years ago. In my head, it was full of love, laughter, comedy, recipes, traditions, milestones. It was a canvas, a portrait, insta snap of my life as I see it and live it. I started blogging casually. I never had a concrete plan. I was never published, but, I had written my moments since I was very young. Poetry and stories and journals upon journals of me. I never saved them. My writing, journaling has been my private therapy. I penned my innermost feelings and thoughts. I respected my loved ones enough and I never wanted to hurt or crush anyone I love. I have memory boxes of beautiful writings, eulogies, poems, cards, letters. I recognize that is what I want my children to find or read. They don’t need to see my dark thoughts, my pain or struggles. I was acutely aware of sparing and protecting them. I remember going to the movies and seeing Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep in Bridges of Madison County. I remember the reaction of Francesca’s children, when they found her diaries. I never forgot that. Then the blog world exploded. You publish your words, your feelings all over the net. It’s public, it’s raw and uncensored, it is for reals. I still protect my children, Mother’s do that, it is our instinct and duty.
I avoided sharing this story. It is tragic. Today, my beautiful son turns 30. I sit and reflect on 30! There is truth to the old saying….You blink and they are all grown up. He has had many struggles, this year being the most challenging for him. It has taken it’s toll on our family, but, I am committed to my children and guiding them on the right path. I do my best to support them, and cry along with them. I wish today, would be a happy, care free celebration. Reality is, my son suffered a loss this week. A dear friend, was murdered in their place of business. He died from multiple stab wounds at 3am, alone, working at a transport company. My son, who also works there, returned his car at 6:30 am and discovered his friend dead. He called the police and then dialed me. As a mother, when you hear your child’s voice pleading, crying, in anguish, all you want to do is hold them, comfort them, protect them. My son’s friend, I believe is an innocent victim. There was a violent struggle, and he succumbed to a horrible death. I pray for his family. Billy, the victim of a violent crime, is well loved and known in our little town. He had many friends, a brother, sister, mom. They are devastated, in shock and grieving.
I am no stranger to death or loss. No one is. But knowing this gentle man, his simple life, young and in his 20’s, healthy, loved. It is devastating to absorb and understand murder. It makes no sense. Billy is described by everyone as a good friend, a gentle soul, quiet and reserved. WHY? we plead and pray and ask God. Why do good people suffer? We find no answer. We pray they find the killer. My son, suffered a trauma. He truly was in shock. I think he still is. I worry. I am his mother. I want to make it better. I want to soften his nightmares and flashbacks. The truth is, I can’t. But, he is surrounded by his childhood friends. The support has been very solid for him. I am thankful the group of friends are taking care of one another. My son said, Billy would have done that for anyone Mom. My heart hurts for his lovely mother. They are all deeply grieving this loss. Billy is loved & missed and we are praying for his family, please, say a prayer for them too. Please let justice be served this time. Amen.
I baked a birthday cake this morning. I prepared my son’s favorite foods. My heart is heavy. My head is full of worry. I celebrate and I secretly thank God. My son is alive, and he was spared. I realize, he must be watched over and protected by his angel, my Mother. I am grateful eternally. My children are part of my soul. Embedded and woven into our hearts, our lives, forever & beyond. Today, I celebrate my first born. 30 Years ago, he made my dream come true. He probably doesn’t even know how much I adore and love him. He certainly is told that everyday, he is loved, cherished, especially today. I am reminded of how blessed, loved, and lucky I am to be surrounded by my beautiful kids.
Enjoy the moments….all